Page 164 of The Comedown

“Because you’d know. I carved his face up like a jack-o-lantern.”

“Shit. Is that why you carry a knife now?”

“Yeah,” I say, watching as the waitress reappears, dropping off our plates before disappearing back into the kitchen area just as quickly.

Eyes on his crepe, Julian asks, “Was there ever a situation where you thought you’d need to use it on Slade?”

“Slade?”

He rotates his head to look at me. “You said Jack’s like Slade without all the NDAs… Why? What’d Slade do to you?”

“Did I say that?” I hurry to shove a giant piece of the too-hot crepe in my drunken mouth. Who did I say that to? Certainly not Julian. I’m forbidden from saying anything about those to him.

“That’s what your boy told me.”

I know for a fact I didn’t say that directly to Holter. Most likely he overheard me saying it to Irelynn because even though Irelynn doesn’t know what Jack did, she knows enough to understand what him being like Slade means. Holter’s the only person that didn’t have to sign an NDA, so I shouldn’t be surprised he’s the one who spilled the beans about them. Before I even met Slade, I went to war with him about it and almost didn’t agree to tour with Julian at all. Holter’s been a part of this life longer than Slade. My son’s never spilled any behind-the-scenes tea…until now.

I avoid Julian’s questioning stare, taking another bite of melty cheese while trying to ignore the way air rushes into my lungs as I gasp for oxygen. Just thinking about Holter hurts. It’s only been a matter of hours and I already miss him like a bird misses the sky.

“Are you angry?”

He shrugs, finally breaking his laser focus to get his own bite scooped on to his fork. “About John? Fuck yeah. About Bodee? Abso-fuckin’-lutely. About Slade? Depends on what he did to deserve being compared to a rapist.”

“I did threaten him with my knife once when he grabbed my arm, but that was when we first met, and you and I weren’t…” I motion between us. “Luckily, that was enough. I never came close to actually using it on him. But the reason why I dislike Slade has less to do with me and more to do with you.”

“Why?”

I widen my eyes, telling him, “You already said it yourself.”

“Oh. You mean the NDAs being kept from me?”

My head kind of wobbles from side to side, making me dizzier than I already was. The NDAs are part of it. Mostly it’s because Slade doesn’t have Julian’s best interests at heart, only what’ll put money in his pocket and keep money in his pocket. I doubt Julian’s own pockets even factor into it.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” The question comes out like an accusation but flimsier. He really doesn’t understand, but he’s hurt and wants someone to blame.

Wrong person.

I consider my options, which admittedly aren’t great. I could remain silent like I’ve done so far and allow Julian to continue to be taken advantage of by his own agent-slash-manager…and who knows who else. Or I could blow this shit wide open and tell Julian the truth—all of the truth. It’s obvious he’s unhappy about the fact there even are NDAs in place. I doubt he’d like the entire reason behind them being a secret. It’s not my business and I’m upset about it.

The sloshier part of my brain shrugs, and says, I’m already being threatened with one court case. What’s another?

“I didn’t say anything because I signed a contract agreeing not to. The NDAs Slade makes everyone sign aren’t just to prevent your business from getting out. They’re to keep you in the dark, too.”

“In the dark? About what? And why? What’s the fucking purpose?”

“Because when you’re sober and something goes wrong, you’re way more sensitive than you think, and you tend to overreact,” I say bluntly, getting the hang of brutal honesty quite quickly.

“But the NDAs—”

“The NDAs are a secondary precaution. For the most part, you take care of the sobriety bit for them. And when you don’t…”

“Slade tries to do it for me,” Julian guesses correctly. Or maybe just states.

Nodding, I confirm, “Julez is a cash cow that Slade and your record label have every intention of working into the ground.” I also sum up everything Slade said to me at Julian’s birthday party. It takes a lot more effort thanks to the earlier shots, but eating helps and I feel better once I’m done. The room has finally stopped spinning, too.

Julian, however, is glaring at his plate like he’d like to throw it.

Caged animals will only behave for so long before they remember they are in fact animals capable of wreaking absolute havoc.