Page 177 of The Comedown

Julian makes me want to even more.

But I’m not sure I can. I don’t know how to not be on the road constantly.

Just like I don’t know how to stop loving, wanting, and needing Julian.

“Julez! Collette! Give us a smooch!” a photog shouts at us.

Julian’s smile doesn’t reach his eyes as he gives me a peck just long enough for the cameras to capture. When he starts to pull away, I bite down on his bottom lip, forcing him to meet my gaze head-on.

What’s going on with him? Is he having reservations, too? Or are they just mine reflecting back at me?

All the attention suddenly surges in the other direction, toward a commotion on the other side of the carpet, and I don’t have to look to know that Bodee Keys just arrived.

Julian’s top lip lowers on to mine the same time his hands cup my ass, pressing us so tightly together oxygen couldn’t sneak between us, then he’s kissing me roughly to the point that I let out an involuntary moan. Neither of us closes our eyes, the otherwise silent exchange filled with more feeling than I thought possible in such a public setting.

Releasing me all at once, he rushes out, “I love you, Collette. I love you. No matter what happens tonight, just remember that I love you and I’ll always fucking love you.”

“I love you, too, but what’s going to—”

His focus shifts over his shoulder, so I follow his line of vision to see Bodee disembark his limo followed by Holter. Holter spots me immediately, then pulls a face like he’s unhappy in his black and white tuxedo. Tears pool at the corners of my eyes at the sight though. It’s not his first time in a tux as I’ve brought him to many award shows as my guest before, but he’s become such an incredibly mature young man, all without me being around to witness the transition in its entirety.

Beside Holter, Bodee oozes a flawlessness only obscene wealth can buy. All the reservations in the world couldn’t have prepared me for what Bodee ended up putting me through. Drugs weren’t his addiction. Power was. Not power among the people in his life, power over the people in his life. The closer you were to him, the tighter the hold on your collar he wanted to have.

Julian’s right, Bodee does still have a hold on mine.

Bodee believes I’m his dog. Julian believes I’m his queen. I simultaneously feel like both and neither. While my crown is physical, my collar leashed to Bodee is only psychological, and yet neither one feels like it belongs. The weight each carries is heavy. One’s holding me back while the other…is currently refusing to meet my eyes after a profound declaration of love.

What just happened? Better yet, what’s about to happen? I can feel the unease in Julian as he stares at Bodee.

“Julian?” I ask, pulling his face to mine. “What’s going to happen tonight?”

A mask, one I’ve never seen him wear before, falls over his face, and he forces the saddest grin to ever exist as he says, “I’m getting you the keys to the kingdom.” Then he’s pulling me after him, on to the red carpet again, not even letting me process what keys to the kingdom could possibly stand for. Did he buy us a house? And why does it look like he’s gunning for Bodee?

Is he taking us over to him? To fight him? What’s going on right now?

“Hey, Julian…” I say, glancing at my ex as he pretends not to notice our advance. “We’ll just see them inside.” This is literally what Bodee wanted, to garner copious amounts of praise and adoration by simply walking the red carpet with Holter…by himself. If I rob him of that by crashing his grand appearance, I don’t know how he’ll retaliate.

And if Julian throws a punch…

He can’t throw a punch. Not here. Not now. Julian got lucky during their previous fight. If it was in a setting as public as this…like I told Julian, nobody goes after Bodee Keys and lives to tell the tale.

The very reason why Bodee let me, he’s now threatening to take away if I don’t give him this moment.

The invisible collar around my throat tightens, making it hard to breathe. What if Bodee sends that email?

Julian stops to murmur near my ear, “He wants everyone talking about him, right? This will get everyone talking.”

Without waiting for a response, he walks us right up to Holter, not Bodee.

At least that’s something.

“Hey, man. You get taller since you’ve been gone?” he asks with the first genuine smile he’s managed in days before enveloping my son in a hug, and while my collar eases slightly, the crown’s weight on my head increases.

I’m torn between two lives, two worlds—who I’ve been and who I want to be, who I’ve been with and who I want to be with.

The heat of Bodee’s stare on the side of my face burns as if the sun itself was bearing down on me, so I can tell every time it moves from Holter and Julian to me, and back again.

“Bodee,” I greet with a fake smile, leaning in for an even faker hug from him. “How was the flight here? Everything went well, I hope.”