Page 68 of The Comedown

Eyeing him, I whisper, “I don’t believe that.” Something, or someone, caused Julian to believe he’s unworthy of receiving love, or even giving it. In just over a week of being around him, I can see and feel quite clearly how caring of a person he is when he’s mentally present and putting in effort. If his love feels anything like his care, he’s more like a cloudburst—sudden, violent, and has the potential to flood a person’s heart within seconds.

“Are you two ready?” I hear behind me, and turn around to face the woman, Sue, in the doorway.

Coming to stand beside me, Julian looks like he’s about to throw up as he admits, “No.”

While experience is life’s greatest teacher, perspective is the clearest lens you could see your lessons through. We’re about to get both.

I take a deep breath, mentally shaking myself. Here I am crying over not having more than one child and I’m preparing to meet parents losing their only child.

With my elbow propped on Julian’s shoulder, I tuck the side of my middle finger just under his jaw, seeking out that heartbeat of his. It pounds against my skin instantly, and just as quickly, he leans into my touch, seeking…something as well.

It’s called capillary action—the thing that lizard does. I learned about it in one of my college courses, during a study on groundwater. It’s the spontaneous flow of a liquid into a narrow tube based on levels of cohesion and adhesion. Each time I’ve pressed a finger to Julian’s pulse, I’ve done so selfishly to console myself that he wasn’t dead. But what if… What if through my finger, he’s been taking something—I don’t know what exactly—from me, too? I’m not offering Julian love, but I can provide him some sort of solace, at least temporarily.

I tell Sue, “We’re ready.”

Celebrity status comes with some perks, this being one of them, and I can’t wait to share it with Julian.

Collette

“Thanks again for fitting us in on such short notice,” I tell Sue as Julian and I follow the event coordinator out into the hallway.

I met Sue several years ago when my agent booked me a charity photo op here. I was slotted to be here a grand total of fifteen minutes, but once I met the kids in person, I ended up staying longer—much longer. I stayed until they kicked me out actually. Sue gave me an open invitation to return, and I try to take her up on it whenever my schedule allows. I may live in the area, but unfortunately, I’m rarely home long enough to make it over here. I thought today would be the perfect opportunity to squeeze in a visit, even if it won’t be as long as that first time. Holter’s at his best friend’s for the day, with plans to stay the night, or else I would’ve brought him along, too.

As soon as we get closer to the noise, all the tension starts to leave my body, like waves being pulled away from the shore for low tide. There can be a lot of toxicity in this world, but here, there’s no room for that shit. None. Every single day of life is a gift to these children and their families, and simple pleasures like bubbles are treated like gold. If I can give them the magic of a song or a smile or a signature, I will. I will for as long as they still think it’s magical.

The ironic part is that although these kids have only ever treated me like a superstar, I’m the one always left awestruck by them—their courage, their drive, their positive outlook on a world that hasn’t been the best to them. These kids, they are the magic, and if Julian doesn’t think life is a gift after this, he never will.

“Thank you, Collette. We’re always happy to have you stop by. And, Julez, the kids are really looking forward to meeting you.”

“Really? Sweet.” He looks pleased with himself for all of two seconds before he falls back into his pit of uncertainty, asking, “What am I supposed to do? You know, with the kids?”

Sue smiles, giving him the typical list of instructions, the dos and don’ts, and what terms to avoid.

“Especially curse words,” I emphasize. When his frown sinks even lower, I add, “Don’t worry. You’ll be great. Just let them lead you.”

“That sounds dangerous,” he jokes a second before two glitter bombs explode in our faces.

“A little dangerous.” Sue cringes through the cloud of sparkles. “Sorry. They’re right in the middle of art exploration.”

Julian nods, wiping both eyes with his palms. “I’m down with art.”

A tiny girl that I’m almost positive has no idea who Julez is skips over and grabs Julian by the hand, leading him over to a table with an authority even I don’t possess. Before I can offer him so much as a reassuring look, I’m whisked away as well to the opposite side of the room.

An hour later we meet back up at the carpeted section littered with small slides and various toys, next to a long bookcase full of well-loved books. Two small braids stick out from the top of Julian’s head now, and there’s so much glitter on him, he’ll probably be washing it off for weeks.

“Glitter works on you.”

“Yeah? Think I should add it to the show?” he asks with a genuine smile, all traces of insecurity long gone, smothered by either a pound of glitter or delight. Maybe even both. Truthfully, he’s never looked happier…or sexier.

I angle my body toward his, my voice for his ears only. “I was wanting a disco ball during my set, and now, I have one.”

Julian breaks into silent laughter, turning to face me, too. “You got jokes, Poohbear?”

All I can do is nod, trapped in amber-flecked blue eyes made even more hypnotic by the sparkles accentuating them—not trapped like the bear blindly stepping into hidden steel jaws, trapped like the fish that spies the shiny glint of the hook and decides to swallow the worm whole anyway.

“A story! A story!” a little boy with thin red hair shouts, breaking the moment.

“A story?” I ask him. “How about a song instead?”