Page 41 of On Your Life

“Come on, Conner.”

This is something that should be mentioned between friends. The cursor blinks at me from the screen while my mind reels through every stupid combination I can think of.

Hint: your mom

If he wasn’t already dead, I’d kill him. Fucking idiot. I slam the laptop shut and decide I’ll come up with more ideas at the gym. I’m not even sure why getting into it matters so much, but the need has sunk its teeth into me. Like seeing his day to day activity would help me feel like he’s still here.

My gaze lands on the couch where he always sat while we played video games. His headset is still in the same place that he left it when we logged off for the last time. I can’t bring myself to move it yet.

My dad always kept the remote control on the coffee table. I didn’t touch it for months after he died because I didn’t want to risk forgetting something that small. Something meaningless to everyone else but so completely, painfully him.

Grief isn’t linear. It changes everyday. Morphs from the monster under your bed into the butterfly that lands on your finger. It’s terrifying but it’s beautiful at the same time. It doesn’t change the fact that it’s always there.

My phone buzzes in my hand on my way to the truck. A quick glance shows five messages and one missed call from Tina. No wonder Conner was always stressed the hell out. I’m not even her biological son, and somehow she’s forced that role onto me whether I like it or not.

I make a mental note to call her back before work. For him, I’ll deal with her bullshit. As long as it keeps her clean, I feel like I’m doing my job.

Who knew that death came with so many responsibilities?

***

“Stop throwing people in solitary without consulting your immediate supervisor,” the captain yells to the room.

Whoops.

I keep my face carefully blank. I didn’t want to have to explain myself in the middle of the night, especially when I couldn’t come up with a decent excuse until my raging hard on finally gave me a moment of relief.

The ache is still there. My hand and dick are raw from how much I had to work it until it wasn’t standing straight up. Never did I think I would regret piercing it, but fuck if it didn’t freak me out thinking it was going to disappear beneath the swelling.

I made sure to bring a cup with a closed lid. It’s the only way she could have gotten me to take something without knowing it.

The bitch is good, I’ll give her that. But what she doesn’t know is that she just made me so much better.

The door buzzes, followed by the heavy mechanical groan of the pod unlocking. Immediately, the women scramble to their places for count. At least the whole place didn’t go to hell. Just the dark haired bitch who is corrupting my body and mind.

“Anything new today?” I ask the dayshift officer.

I have no idea what his name is, not that I even care. They never last long anyway. This place will work you into the ground if you aren’t careful.

“Suzie is still in the hospital. I don’t think she’ll be coming back anytime soon. Other than that everyone is here and accounted for,” he reports.

“Thanks man,” I say.

I wave him off and dig through the top drawer for my counter.

I can feel her eyes on me. Raking beneath my skin like a fucking parasite. When I look up, I catch her staring. Her gaze is hard and cold, exactly as I was hoping. One step closer to her undoing.

She doesn’t acknowledge me when I walk past but I catch her deep inhale before I go by. I should stop. See how long she wants to hold her breath. See how long she wants to pretend that I don’t affect her.

But there are things that I need to get done tonight. I brought Conner’s laptop, needing something to busy my mind while the shift drags on.

I have plans for my little killer, but the anticipation will make them that much better. It’s one thing to torture her on a nightly basis. It’s something else to keep her guessing when it’s going to happen next.

I need her to begin and end her day with me at the edge of her mind. A thought that she can’t shake. A shadow she can’t outrun.

Fear settled so deep in her bones that it doesn’t know when to be set free so it lingers.

I don’t know how I’m going to kill her yet. I’ll figure that part out later.