Page 58 of On Your Life

Kira

It took me the rest of the night to clean up those fucking daisies.

The back and forth with this guy is giving me whiplash. One second, he’s the biggest asshole I have ever met. The next he’s giving me everything that I’ve begged my past situationships for without instruction.

Outside of here, I definitely would go for him. Being stuck in here complicates everything.

I could have lost the only bit of freedom I have because of him and maybe that’s exactly what he wants. He’s playing with my emotions to get me more isolated. That’s the only motive I can think of.

Except the look in his eyes has stayed with me. I could see it, that tiny seed of doubt. I remember seeing the same thing on the jurors' faces before the prosecution forced their hands. I had hope for one incredible moment before it was ripped away and slammed behind bars.

We have rec today for the first time. From what I’ve heard, we basically get to go outside in a fenced-in yard and just…sit?

I would have been more eager yesterday. Today, the lack of sleep is catching up and a week long nap sounds much more appealing than fresh air.

The noises of people laughing carry up through the pod. Breakfast just ended, so I poke my head out of the doorway to see what everyone is doing.

A line is forming by the door. Maxie spots me and waves dramatically in my direction and the sleepiness is pushed back a fraction.

Some sunlight doesn’t sound too bad. I can sleep after, I guess.

I rush down the metal steps and stand beside my friend in line, rubbing at my eyes as I try to wake up.

“Finally! I feel like we haven’t been outside in forever. I was starting to get a little cabin fever-y,” she jokes.

She’s been here much longer than I have. When will I get to the point that going outside for a few minutes is the highlight of my day? That’s fucking depressing.

“What do we even do out there?” I ask.

She giggles while tying her tight curls into a bun, securing them with an elastic from around her wrist.

“Anything you want! Well, almost anything. Most people just walk the track or lay out in the sun. I’m not sure if it’s warm enough to sun bathe yet.”

The door beeping cuts off our conversation. The field mouse guard is back today, standing beside the exit and looking us over like a bunch of unruly schoolchildren. To be honest, I expected the women in prison to be more rowdy but it’s less hostile than school ever was.

“Inmates, listen up!” he projects his voice over the growing line. “You have an hour. Any disorderly conduct and rec time ends for everyone.”

Nods and scattered agreements travel around. It seems like this is a happy time for everyone. And I guess I understand why.

The smell hits me first, fresh cut grass and crisp clean air. It all rushes to me and tears pool in my eyes. The sadness that follows is almost unbearable.

I never appreciated simply being outside. I always stayed inside watching reruns of the same murder mysteries or doom scrolling on my phone until my eyes hurt.

What I would give to go back to being so comfortable in my boring life that I could take simple things for granted.

Everyone disperses toward different ends of the yard. Picnic benches are set up off to the left, while a large concrete track hugs the fence line. Bright green grass fills the area as far as I can see, broken up with treetops in the distance and a stretch of pale blue sky overhead.

It’s a simple setup but I can see the appeal. The world is so much more beautiful when you have the ability to sit back and admire it.

“Want to walk with me?” Maxie asks from behind me.

“Sure,” I say.

My response gets carried off in the wind as I start down the concrete path. We fall into an easy pace beside each other.

“How was your first shift?”

Images from last night flood my mind. Even though exhaustion fogs my thoughts, I don’t know if I could sleep. I can’t stop thinking about him.