Page 210 of ClickBack

“I could see you were unhappy,” I say instead.

“I knew I was unhappy.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me?”

Her laugh has no pleasure in it. “Because I loved him. Because I was embarrassed. Because I wanted to say one thing without you telling me to leave before I got to the end.”

I sit back.

“Sometimes I just wanted to be upset for a minute,” she says. “I didn’t need a decision yet.”

I think of myself on the way here, rehearsing what I would tell her, hoping she would let me finish. It seems a great deal to ask now.

“I could have listened longer,” I say.

Rae folds the towel she has been holding. “Yes.”

I let her keep that answer.

My bag is by the lamp. The envelope inside it is no thicker than it was in the closet, but I can’t stop being aware of it.

“There’s another reason I came tonight.”

She looks at the bag when I reach for it.

“I need to tell you about your biological father.”

She leaves the towel on her lap. “What about him?”

“More than I’ve told you.”

“Did something happen?”

I pull the envelope out. I had imagined starting gently. Her question takes that away.

“A long time ago.”

She gets up from the floor and sits beside me, leaving a cushion between us. I put the envelope in that space.

“His name was Gavin,” I say. “He was nineteen when we started seeing each other. I was sixteen.”

Rae watches me.

“I thought we were in love. I knew he could go places I had to ask permission to go. He had a car and a job, and I thought being included in his life meant I was ready for it.”

“Was he your boyfriend?”

“I thought he was.”

She looks at the envelope.

“I knew I was pregnant before the pageant. I told him from the phone in your grandmother’s kitchen. She was at work.”

I can see the cord stretched past the table, how far I could move before I had to stop. I keep my eyes on my daughter.

“He asked whether it was his. Then he said I was lying. Then he wanted to know what kind of girl got herself into that situation.”

Rae’s face changes.