Page 156 of Where Sinners Repent

And all I want to do is go back.

A sob breaks free; my arms barely holding myself together. Burying my face between my knees, I let myself fall apart. Alone. No Maddy to wrap her arms around me and tell me how great I am. No Kai to wipe my tears away and fix all of my problems. No Kaleb to tie me down and take away all of my thoughts until there is nothing but us.

Just me.

Alone with all my horrible sins. My scary thoughts.

My shoulders shake as I weep. Images infiltrate my mind behind my closed eyes. Of the people that I fucking love. Of the door that I left unlocked. Of a door left unlocked. Of their pain.

How tiny the sound was, of that door shutting, for something that might be destroying people’s lives.

I had no choice.

Even as I think that, I know it’s not true. I could have stopped. Could have locked that fucking door and ran straight to the twins and told them everything..

Instead, I did exactly what Isaac and Ethan have always taught me to do. Obey them.

My stomach rolls and I scramble from the bed. I fall to my knees on the grimy floor just in time for me to empty the contents of my stomach into the yellowing toilet bowl.

Nothing comes up but bile and spit. My stomach is empty, but my body tries anyway.

Tears spill from my eyes and spit slips past my lips as I heave and sob into the toilet. Falling apart on the rusty, mouldy bathroom in this dilapidated motel.

I’ve made a mistake. The thought makes me heave into the toilet again.

A huge fucking mistake.

My stomach contracts until it aches, but there is nothing left to give. I fall against the tiles, curling into a ball and hugging my knees to my chest. The cold seeps through my jumper. My tears dry up.

Numbness soaks in.

Time passes. Nothing feels right. The unknown of what is happening to them has every worst possible scenario playing out in my mind. If Kai and Kaleb are hurt... If they are dead... I may as well be too.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, though no one can hear.

My voice sounds pathetic in the tiny bathroom. The’ll never forgive me. I’ll never forgive myself.

I meant what I said in my note. I love them. So fucking much.

Pressing my palms against my eyes until red flashes behind them, I scream. It doesn’t stop me from seeing their faces. Their hands. Their scars.

The way they looked at me as if they might love me back. Like they might keep me. Like I’m something worth protecting.

They are okay, I tell myself.

Because they have to be.

The Devils have been preparing for moments like this. My brothers couldn’t possibly best them. Could they?

Maybe Kai and Kaleb have already killed them. Maybe they are already celebrating in the club, cheering about their victory. The thought makes my heart beat a stupid, hopeful thing.

But even I know that’s a reach. How could they prepare for someone to betray them so badly? They wouldn’t have been prepared for whatever my brothers had planned.

No more tears come. I have nothing more to give. Numbly, I peel myself off the ground. The mirror taunts me with a reflection of myself I no longer recognise. Dark circles under my eyes and an exhaustion painting my features so stark it reminds me of something.

Of a girl I used to know. One who was so brutally tormented by her brothers and their friends. One whose body no longer belonged to her. A girl who dreamed of a different life and foolishly believed she had a shot at getting it.

And fuck, did she get it.