Page 18 of You Were Always the One

‘You look gorgeous.’ I try to still the beating of my heart. ‘It’s good to see you.’

‘It’s nice to see you, too,’ she says. ‘I’ve been thinking about you – and Emma.’

‘Ah. There have been developments,’ I say ambiguously. ‘Good and bad.’

Holly rolls her eyes. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘I’ll tell you – if you have time for a coffee with me,’ I say persuasively.

‘Just a quick one – as long as I can eat. I’m starving. I’ve just finished my shift. I haven’t stopped this morning.’

‘There’s a coffee shop around the corner,’ I say.

Inside, we sit at a small table set with rustic placemats and a small pot plant, then order two coffees. ‘How was your morning?’ I ask.

‘It was busy.’ There’s a warmth in her eyes as she tells me about her patients. Dora, who’s lived a long, happy life. And Charley, who she’s clearly upset about and whose illness seems untimely for someone so young.

‘They’re lucky to have you,’ I say, meaning it. If I was dying, I’d want Holly looking after me.

‘Thank you.’ Her cheeks colour. ‘I like to think I do my best for them. Anyway. Tell me about these developments, as you put it. How are things?’

I lean back in my chair. ‘Emma’s moved out,’ I announce. ‘It’s fine. We both agreed it was the right thing.’ But I don’t want to sound callous. ‘It doesn’t stop it being sad, though.’

Holly’s eyes widen. ‘Goodness. I’m sorry, Riggs. This can’t be easy for you.’ She frowns. ‘So, assuming that’s the bad news, what’s the good?’

‘My imploding brain,’ I say. ‘But I’m working on a new book idea.’

‘That’s great,’ she says. ‘I mean it, though. I’m sorry about you and Emma.’

I shrug. ‘I told you before, I think. We’d reached somewhere there was no going back from.’ I frown. ‘It just feels odd at the moment.’

‘It’s bound to,’ she says. ‘Are you OK?’ Holly’s eyes are luminous as she looks at me.

‘I’m groovy,’ I say. ‘Seriously, I am OK. It was time for us to move on with our lives.’ I sip my coffee, then say, partly to test the water, ‘You’re lucky to have found someone.’

Her face clouds over and for a moment, she doesn’t speak. ‘It isn’t what it seems,’ she says. ‘Two years ago, Miles had an affair. We’ve never really got over it.’

‘Shit, Holls.’ I stare at her, wondering why she chose to stay.

In her next breath, she answers my question. ‘I stayed because of the kids – and because I hoped we’d get through it. But the bottom line is, I don’t know where I am with him. He goes out of his way to tell me there’s nothing to worry about, but it’s obvious that something’s going on. I just don’t know what. And we never get around to talking – partly because I’m frightened about what he’ll say, and partly because we’ve never really talked.’ She sighs. ‘It doesn’t help that he often comes home late, then at weekends, the kids are always around.’

‘It’s reasonable to want to know where you stand,’ I say quietly. ‘Does he have any idea what you’re thinking?’

‘Not really,’ Holly says. She’s silent for a moment. ‘You know that way you and I had? Of almost reading each other’s minds? Well, Miles and I are the opposite of that. He doesn’t notice subtleties – or read between the lines. I have to spell everything out.’ Her voice wavers. Then she rallies. ‘Silly, really! He’s always been like that.’ She sighs. ‘And since you and I bumped into each other, it seems like everything’s heightened.’

‘It does, doesn’t it?’ It’s exactly how it feels.

‘It’s made me think about so many things…’ She breaks off. ‘Obviously, in my job, I’m with people at the end of their lives. Some of them are at peace. Their lives have been happy. They’re ready, for whatever it is that comes next. But now and then…’ A shadow crosses her face. ‘You meet someone who has regrets. And it’s so desperately sad, because they could have made different choices in their lives. But for whatever reason, they didn’t. Or couldn’t.’ Her voice wavers slightly. ‘I keep thinking I really don’t want to be one of those people.’

I look at her, aghast that she can even think that. ‘You won’t be, Holls. You wouldn’t let that happen.’

‘But that’s what I’m doing.’ There’s desperation in her voice. ‘I know I have to talk to Miles. But the weeks are going by, and whenever he’s around, I keep making excuses. Before I know it, years will have passed.’ She pulls a tissue out of her pocket and sniffles into it. ‘Sorry,’ she says. ‘Not a lot of fun, am I?’

‘You are heaps of fun,’ I say affectionately. ‘This will pass,’ I say more seriously. ‘We all get times when our problems seem unsurmountable. But we work them out.’

‘Dora said something similar. Right now, my problems feel like mountains,’ she says. ‘A big range of jagged peaks.’ She pauses. ‘I know it sounds dramatic – and that I’ll look back one day and see they were only small ones.’

‘You will.’ I know what she means. ‘It doesn’t help in the moment, but you’ll find a way over them. Or around them.’