Page 33 of You Were Always the One

I look at him, suddenly remembering the reasons we broke up, all those years ago. There’s a lot to be said for going with the flow – and I used to do it, too. But there are times in all our lives when you can’t sit back and just wait for things to happen.

Riggs finishes his pint. ‘Would you like another?’ He nods towards my glass.

‘No thanks.’ I watch him go to the bar, then come back with what looks like a whisky shot.

Sitting down, he takes a sip. ‘Dutch courage.’ He drinks it down in one. Then looks at me. ‘I know what I want to happen.’

I try to stop him saying something he’ll regret. ‘Riggs, right now, you need to focus on Emma. Maybe this changes things. Maybe… the two of you aren’t over. You and I… I think we’ll always be friends. But things are different now. We’re both married.’ I look at him. ‘Because you still are, aren’t you?’

‘Friends?’ He blinks at me. ‘Is that what you really believe?’ His eyes hold mine. ‘It isn’t that simple. You see, there are things I need to tell you, Holls. And I’ve no idea what you’re going to say. But since we met up again – that day it rained with the cherry blossom – I haven’t stopped thinking about you. Haven’t stopped imagining what you and I could be together. Because it’s still there, isn’t it?’ His eyes gaze into mine. ‘Us, I mean?’

There’s a lump in my throat. But uncertainty about my marriage has left me vulnerable. ‘Yes,’ I whisper, gazing back at him. ‘I think it’s always been there,’ I say softly. ‘It probably always will be.’

He sighs. ‘That’s what I think, too.’ He reaches across the table and takes one of my hands. ‘I should have come after you that day, when you broke up with me.’

‘You should have. You’d have saved us both a lot of trouble.’ A tear rolls down my cheek. But is this love I feel? Or nostalgia? Or is it just the timing? ‘But for whatever reason, we went our separate ways. Maybe it’s how we were meant to be.’

‘Don’t say that,’ he says gently, tracing the tear with one of his fingers. ‘Being a grown-up is complicated, isn’t it?’

‘You could say.’ I try to gather myself together. ‘It seems nothing’s straightforward for either of us. I’m not sure Miles and I can stay together.’

‘Shit,’ he says. ‘Have you talked to him?’

‘We’ve had a conversation,’ I say. ‘It wasn’t conclusive. But we were edging towards not being able to stay together.’

‘I still can’t believe he cheated on you.’ Riggs looks outraged. ‘How could he?’

I shrug. ‘The usual reasons, I guess. Looking for excitement; opportunity presenting itself. Or maybe, he thought he’d found his soulmate.’ Not that Miles believes in soulmates.

The old feelings are back, of insecurity, inadequacy. That, for Miles, I wasn’t enough – hence, it isn’t something I often talk about. ‘I’ve spent the last two years expecting him to do it again, which is where I’m at now.’

Riggs shakes his head. ‘You can’t live like that.’ He frowns. ‘You haven’t actually told me what’s he like.’ He pauses. ‘Actually, I can probably tell from what you’ve just said.’

In spite of everything, I can’t help smiling. ‘If I said he’s the complete and total opposite of you, does that give you an idea?’

‘Really?’ He looks utterly confused.

‘I wanted grown up.’ I shrug. ‘I certainly got it.’

‘You know that saying? “Be careful what you wish for”,’ he murmurs. ‘But being an adult can still be kind,’ he says. ‘And loving and thoughtful. You deserve all of those things, Holly Golightly.’

My eyes are suddenly misty. I’ve forgotten he used to call me that. ‘I kind of did, didn’t I? Go lightly?’

‘I can tell you, it wasn’t light,’ he says half-jokingly. ‘You sent shockwaves through my life. It was utterly devastating. After I tried to get over you, I told myself I’d find a young, sexy blonde. Which I did – eventually.’

‘Emma?’ I raise an eyebrow at him.

‘Emma.’ Resting his head in his hands, he sighs. ‘I’ve no idea what to do about any of this.’ He pauses. ‘She said she’d let me know when she’s made an appointment for the termination. She wants me to go with her.’

‘And you’ll go, right?’ I ask.

‘If I told you I’m conflicted, is that unsupportive?’ he says. ‘I mean, being there when she ends her pregnancy…’

‘It’s difficult, isn’t it,’ I say quietly. ‘It’s for the two of you to decide. Maybe she’ll think about it and change her mind.’

He shakes his head. ‘I don’t think that’s likely. But who am I to say? I have absolutely no benchmark for something like this. If there was enough love between us, maybe we’d find a way through this. But it feels like my head is imploding.’ He pauses. ‘Holly, I can’t stop thinking about you.’

Sadness fills me as I look at him. Complicated doesn’t begin to describe it. ‘What a time this is. It’s Emma you need to think about now though, isn’t it?’