Page 38 of You Were Always the One

Though I know the reality if the tumour is malignant, I can’t tell my children that. They have enough to take in. And too much is still unknown. But there are no certainties at times like this.

12

RIGGS

After telling Holly about Emma’s pregnancy, I don’t hear from her. In the end, I send her a message. But for the first time since our paths crossed again, she doesn’t respond. I take it to mean that for all the reasons we’ve talked about, it’s as she said. Now isn’t the time for us.

I shouldn’t be surprised that as I adjust to the new status quo, a few days later, it changes all over again when Emma comes to the house. When I let her in, her eyes meet mine briefly, before flickering away.

‘Sorry to turn up like this.’

‘It’s fine.’ I hold the door open, wondering if she’s come to tell me when her appointment is. Closing it behind her, I go through to the sitting room. ‘How are you?’ I perch on the armchair.

For a moment, she doesn’t speak. ‘I think I’ve made the most terrible mistake.’

I almost fall off my chair. ‘Sorry?’

‘Don’t act like that, Rigby.’ But her reproach is half-hearted. ‘I mean it,’ she says humbly. ‘I’m so sorry. And I know I didn’t give any thought to how you might feel. I’ve behaved so awfully.’

For once in my life, I really don’t know what to say. ‘Have you made an appointment for the termination?’ I ask.

She looks uncomfortable. ‘I haven’t.’ She falters. ‘I’m not really sure what I’m going to do.’ Then she takes a deep breath. ‘I’ve been thinking.’ She places a hand on her belly. ‘I don’t know how you’re feeling – about me or the baby.’ Her voice wobbles. ‘I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to see me again.’

‘Of course I don’t feel like that.’ I watch her closely, wondering what she’s getting at.

‘I’ve been thinking about us.’ Her eyes glitter with tears. ‘I know I never wanted kids, but…’

I raise an eyebrow. I remember her saying, not yet. The never is new to me.

‘Finding out I was pregnant was a massive shock. But I’m over that. And… I think I’m ready to be a mother. And then I got to thinking, you’d be such a great dad…’ She tails it off, looking at me expectantly.

My eyes widen. What the actual fuck? ‘Hold on, Emma. Are you saying you’ve changed your mind? Just like that?’ It’s like I’m on a rollercoaster, and Emma’s driving it, really erratically.

Her voice is subdued as she goes on. ‘I was thinking, what if we tried to make this work? I know we agreed it was over between us. But believe it or not, I actually miss you, Rigby.’

I stare at her. Is it really that surprising to her?

She looks at me anxiously. ‘I mean it. I’ve changed my mind. I want to keep our baby.’

Wow. Emma’s always said it like it is. Even so, her directness takes my breath away. ‘I’m really happy to hear that.’ My first feeling is one of relief. But as I sit there, I can’t help but wonder what this means for us. I mean, we’ve agreed to divorce. ‘I suppose my first question is, are you sure?’

‘Of course I am.’ She looks slightly disgruntled. ‘Otherwise I wouldn’t have come here.’ She frowns at me. ‘I understand if you’re pissed off with me. If you’re having second thoughts about becoming a father, don’t worry. I’ll be a single mother. There’s nothing wrong with that.’ She says it a little defiantly.

‘I wasn’t pissed off.’ I look at her, still not sure if she’s thinking about us being together or not. ‘I was upset.’

‘I know you were,’ she says more gently. Then she gazes at me. ‘What do you think? Is there any way you can see us doing this?’

This has come out of the blue, and it’s a headfuck. ‘Obviously I’m pleased you’re keeping the baby,’ I say. ‘But I’m finding this quite… difficult,’ I say carefully. ‘I’d like to say yes, but it’s a lot to take in. I mean, a few minutes ago, when you turned up, I was fully expecting you to tell me you’d had the termination. And now you’re telling me you want us to do this’ – I frown – ‘together?’

‘I guess it would make it easier,’ she says. ‘What if I moved into the spare room? I don’t expect things to go back to how they used to be. But that way, we’d both be around when the baby comes. If we end up getting back together, that’s another matter. But if we don’t, we’ll work that out, too.’

I look at her suspiciously. ‘Do you think we can do that? I mean, live together – platonically?’

‘I don’t see why not. If you want to see someone else, I’m hardly going to ask questions,’ she says bluntly. ‘It’s your life. But…’

‘But what?’ I gaze at her.

‘I was just thinking that if there’s any hope of us getting back together, it probably makes sense that neither of us sees anyone else.’ She hesitates. ‘I’m getting ahead of myself, aren’t I?’