Page 40 of You Were Always the One

‘Fuck, Holls.’ Riggs is silent for a moment. ‘When did you find out?’

‘Yesterday. He collapsed last night. He was taken by ambulance to hospital. He’s still there – he’s coming home tomorrow.’

‘I’m really sorry,’ he says. ‘How are your kids bearing up?’

Oh, I love that he thinks of the kids… ‘They’re pretty good on the whole. More angry that he didn’t tell us,’ I say.

‘Yeah. That figures.’ Riggs pauses. ‘How are you coping?’

‘I’m exhausted,’ I say. ‘I’ve no idea what the future holds. He’s been told there are indications the tumour is malignant, but we won’t know for sure until after his surgery.’

‘When’s he going in?’ Riggs asks.

‘Wednesday. They’re operating on Thursday,’ I say. ‘Meanwhile, I’m just trying to hold everything together, for the kids’ sakes. But honestly, it feels like my world is crumbling around me.’

‘If there’s anything I can do…’ he says.

‘Thanks.’ I need your arms around me, Riggs. For you to tell me it’s going to be OK… I hear a woman’s voice in the background. ‘Who’s that?’

‘Emma. It isn’t what you’re thinking,’ he adds quickly.

Emma? The fact that she’s there at all throws me. ‘I thought she’d moved out.’

‘She had. But she’s moved back. She’s sleeping in the spare room,’ he says. ‘We’re not together, as a couple. I really need you to know that, Holls.’

‘Does it make any difference to anything?’ But as I say it, I hate how this is making me feel. The unsettledness, the realisation that it’s insane that Riggs and I are even talking. How even though we are not anything to each other, since we met there’s been a whisper of promise between us. But Miles is sick and Emma’s pregnant; before we’ve even had a chance to see where it might take us, it’s the end of us, all over again.

‘Look, Holls. She sprung this on me. She turned up saying she wanted to keep the baby. Our divorce is still going through, though.’

‘But you’re going to be parents together,’ I say. ‘There’s no point in us talking, is there?’ My voice is tinged with desperation. ‘It doesn’t help anything.’

‘Holls. Don’t. Please,’ Riggs implores me. ‘I need to explain this properly. It isn’t what you think. Emma doesn’t have anywhere else to go right now. If it wasn’t for the baby, she wouldn’t be here.’

That may be. But right now, whatever the reasons, Emma is there and for me, it’s all too much. ‘I have to go. Night, Riggs.’ Ending the call, I switch my phone off. Weeks ago, my life was unsatisfying, but at least it was predictable, yet in a short space of time, it’s been completely upended.

Seeing Riggs again, then Miles’s illness, both have forced me to face what’s missing in my life. The question is, what do I do? And the answer is, right now, there is nothing I can do. I have to be here for Miles, through whatever comes next. To be strong for my children, as we face this together. On paper, it sounds easy. But it will take everything I have, when I’m already stretched.

As I contemplate this, it sinks in that I won’t be leaving Miles. Sitting there, for a long time, I don’t move.

14

RIGGS

‘Who’s Holly?’ Emma’s voice cuts through my thoughts.

‘An old friend.’ Sitting there, I’m wondering if Holly now thinks Emma and I are back together again. Then inwardly I groan. Riggs, you moron. Put yourself in her shoes. Of course it’s what she thinks. But when we can’t be together, I have to stop thinking of Holly.

‘Friend?’ Emma arches an eyebrow. ‘Have I met her?’ Then, ‘Oh. That Holly?’

‘We’re friends. That’s all.’ I turn to look at Emma. If she feels she has any claim over me, I have to put a stop to that. ‘Look, can we be clear on one thing? As things stand, our divorce is still going through. Whatever the future holds for us, we’ve agreed we’re not rushing into anything.’

She stares at me for a moment. ‘Christ, Rigby. Say it like is, why don’t you?’ She frowns. ‘Remind me why I’ve moved back in.’

I stop short of telling her that I’m being no more direct than she is. That her honesty, if you want to call it that, is unfiltered; no holds barred. ‘The baby,’ I say patiently. ‘The baby’s a different matter altogether.’

‘You’ve made yourself crystal clear,’ she says dryly. ‘And for the record, I’m not desperate enough to want a man who obviously doesn’t feel the same.’ Emma pauses. ‘Does this have anything to do with Holly?’

‘No.’ But I don’t look at her. ‘I’m going to do some work.’