Page 45 of You Were Always the One

‘You haven’t?’ I look at him incredulously. Has he given any thought to how I feel? ‘You should have talked to me.’

For a moment, he doesn’t say anything. ‘I should have,’ he mutters. ‘Our lives are completely incompatible, aren’t they?’ he says, not unkindly as he looks at me. ‘I think you were right the other day, when you said that maybe we shouldn’t have stayed together.’

A feeling of intense sadness takes me over that comes from the lack of honesty between us; the waste of so much time. ‘We should have talked, shouldn’t we? Saved ourselves a lot of heartache?’ As I watch his face, my hand goes to my mouth. ‘So she knew you were sick? Before I did?’

He at least has the grace to look embarrassed. ‘I wanted to tell you.’

‘And Max and Grace?’ I swallow the lump in my throat, realising it was exactly as I’d thought. ‘What about them? What was going to see the movie about? Showing them what a nice dad you could be, appeasing your guilt?’ I shake my head. ‘Did you even begin to imagine what it would have been like for them, if you’d left me for someone else?’

‘I didn’t say I was leaving you,’ he says.

‘But that’s the natural progression, isn’t it?’ I say hotly. ‘Especially after last time.’

‘I told you, nothing’s happened between us. And what about me, Holly?’ He stares at me. ‘Do any of you stop and think what this is like for me?’

‘All the time,’ I say. ‘Ever since you collapsed. And now, we have a problem. Because whether or not anything’s happened between you and Patricia, it’s obvious our marriage is over.’

‘Oh God.’ He rests his head in his hands.

‘What are we supposed to do, Miles? This is such a fucking mess.’ My voice wavers. ‘We can’t break up now. Not when you’re sick.’ Somehow, we have to get through this next bit.

‘I can move into the spare room,’ he says in a strange voice. ‘We can tell the kids that it will be easier me being in there, with nurses coming and going.’

I sit there, stunned. ‘Did she come to see you in the hospital?’

He nods. ‘A couple of times.’

‘Even though your kids might have turned up?’ I’m outraged. ‘How could you be so selfish? Have you thought how you were going to explain that away?’

‘They didn’t, did they? Nor did you,’ he says pointedly. ‘And just so you know, Patricia came during school hours. I’m not that thoughtless.’

‘So what happens now?’ I stare at my husband. ‘Were you planning to move out?’

‘Nothing’s been decided.’ He hesitates. ‘Patricia wants us to live together.’ It’s as though he’s talking about someone else. ‘But we had a row.’

I don’t ask what they argued about. I honestly and truly don’t care. It’s already too much to take in. ‘I don’t know what to say, Miles. I’m really, really sorry you’re ill. Part of me wants to tell you to fuck off. But I can hardly do that, can I? Not now.’ I get up. ‘I need to get out.’ I pick up my keys and pull on my jacket. ‘The kids will be home in an hour or so. I’ve told them about your illness and they know you’re having surgery. But they don’t know how potentially serious it is. I suggest we don’t tell them until we know for sure what your prognosis is.’ I pause. ‘Is there anything else you haven’t told me?’

He shakes his head, his eyes full of regret. ‘I’m sorry, Holly. I’m sorry I’m putting you through all of this.’

‘So am I.’ Leaving him sitting there, I go out to my car, emotions coursing through me as I drive away from the house. Relief, that I know the truth. But there’s anger, too, that he’s lied to me. That he’s still being unfaithful. That if he wasn’t ill, he would have left me.

I drive away from the town, into the countryside, eventually pulling in at the side of the road to call Rita. But it goes to voicemail. I leave her a message.

‘You were right. Miles was seeing her again. I’ll fill you in when I see you.’

Switching off my phone, I sit there for a moment thinking of Miles. But however angry I am, the fact is he hasn’t done anything that I haven’t. Him seeing Patricia, me seeing Riggs; is there a difference?

Of course there is, I remind myself. He and Patricia have talked about being together. But hasn’t it crossed my mind, too, more than once, to leave?

I start the engine. Then on impulse, I turn it off and pick up my phone again.

‘Riggs? It’s me. Are you busy?’

I park by the river and get out, watching for Riggs’s car to appear. I’ve never been so glad to see him when, five minutes later, he turns up. Tears fill my eyes as I hurry towards him. When I reach him, they’re rolling down my cheeks. He puts his arms around me, and as he holds me, for the first time in days, I feel myself start to calm.

‘Shall we walk?’ he says, letting go of me.

We take a footpath through the trees which open up as the river comes into view. The water is quiet, sparkling where the light catches it. I take a deep breath as my hand finds its way into his. ‘It’s been one of those days,’ I say.