Page 52 of You Were Always the One

I nod. ‘She is now, but she was trying to say something. “Life is short. Don’t waste it. Be happy.”’ My voice wavers. ‘How are you bearing up?’

‘OK,’ she says. ‘It’s a strange time. I’m just glad I can be here.’

I know what she means. When someone is dying, time becomes rarefied, each moment precious, while there’s no way of knowing how long she has.

I’m deep in thought as I drive to Charley’s house. Thinking of the love around Dora, of the kindness that’s made her family want to gather around her. Then I’m thinking of Miles and how he couldn’t be more different. Of his bitterness, of the resentment of which he leaves a trail.

When I get to Charley’s house, she calls out when I knock. ‘The door’s open.’

Pushing it open, I go in to find her sitting in an armchair. ‘Hi. How are you today?’

‘Not as good as yesterday. It’s dull as fuck, but I think I’ve been overdoing it.’ She starts to get up. ‘Can I make you a cuppa?’

‘Let me do it,’ I say. ‘Just talk me through where to find things.’

She sits down again. ‘Mugs on the shelf. Teabags in the cupboard above the sink,’ she calls after me.

I take her lack of fight to mean she’s feeling worse than she’s making out. When I take our cups of tea back to her, I find out why.

‘Thanks,’ she says. ‘I really am OK. It’s just that before you got here, I had a horrendous call with my ex.’

I look at her in surprise. ‘I thought you said he wasn’t in your life,’ I say.

‘He wasn’t. Only somehow he’s got wind of my illness and he’s playing the solicitous father. No one’s fooled. We all know what he’s like. He probably thinks if I’m going to die, maybe I’ll leave him some money. I’ve made it clear I won’t be – and I’ve no intention of letting this get the better of me. I’ve already spoken to a solicitor.’ She’s clearly done her best to sort it. ‘If the worst happens, Jake’s going to try to adopt Tallie.’

‘You don’t need this, do you?’ I say.

‘No one needs this,’ she says emphatically. ‘But that’s the kind of caring, sensitive guy he really is,’ she says sarcastically. ‘It beggars belief that I actually married him.’ She takes the cup of tea I pass her. ‘What’s your husband like? I can’t imagine you making the same mistake that I did.’

‘You’d be surprised,’ I say. ‘I made some very wrong choices back in the day. But you really don’t want to know about those,’ I say. ‘In any case. I’m here for you, not the other way around.’

Charley’s eyes gleam. ‘You know, it would really be nice to think about someone else for a change. I’ve been wrapped up in cotton wool,’ she says. ‘It’s driving me completely mad.’

I shrug. ‘OK. Well, I’m married to Miles. I made a choice about eighteen years ago to leave the guy I was with back then. He was great. We were great together. Life was an adventure, but I couldn’t see how we were going to build a life together. I decided I needed to grow up, as I put it. I finished my training and got a job. Met Miles… We have two gorgeous kids, but our relationship has been going downhill for a long time. Two years ago, I found out he was having an affair. He swore it was over, but recently, I found out he’d started seeing her again – until they had a row. Meanwhile, he’s been diagnosed with a brain tumour.’

Charley’s eyes widen. ‘Fuck.’

‘I know. He’s having surgery today.’ In fact, it’s possible that right now, Miles could be under the knife.

‘Fuck, Holly.’ Charley stares at me. ‘What are you going to do?’

‘I don’t know. He says it’s over with this woman.’ I shrug. ‘I kind of feel like I should look after him.’ I pause. ‘We have no idea what the outlook is.’

Charley shakes her head. ‘Talk about complicated.’

‘There’s more,’ I tell her. ‘A little while ago, I reconnected with that guy from all those years back. It seems we both feel something.’

Charley stares at me. ‘Do you still love him?’ Her eyes widen. ‘You do, don’t you?’

‘Insane, isn’t it?’ I pause. ‘I’m trying to keep things calm for my kids. But it’s got so bad with Miles, he doesn’t want me to visit him in hospital. Our relationship is at rock bottom. I know he’s scared. The only good thing is we’re being honest with each other.’

‘You’re stuck, aren’t you?’ Charley says quietly. ‘Apart from your kids, there isn’t anything left between you. But you can’t walk away because he’s sick.’

‘Exactly.’ I’m silent.

‘Life is so fucking unreal, isn’t it?’ Charley sighs. ‘Do you ever ask yourself what you’ve done to deserve this? You’re a seriously good person. You only have to look at the job you do – and the way you care. This really shouldn’t be happening to you.’

‘I’ve made terrible decisions,’ I say quietly. ‘I thought Riggs – the man I used to love – was too much of a free spirit. I left him because I wanted more.’