Page 61 of You Were Always the One

‘Miles?’ I come over to where he’s sitting. ‘If we’re going to live together, even in the short term, we need to be honest with each other.’

‘I agree.’ He looks slightly relieved.

That we’ve reached an agreement feels like a milestone. ‘But…’ I say. ‘If things do change with you and Patricia, no secrets, this time. Please just tell me.’

Sleep is impossible that night. Knowing what his consultant has said, my mind churns through every scenario, until the early hours of the morning, when I remind myself of my decision to take this next chapter in bite-sized pieces. Today, then tomorrow… Because any further ahead is subject to change.

SEPTEMBER

21

RIGGS

The same message seems to be coming at me, whichever direction I look. My mother, Emma, Holly, each in their own way, making me question what I’m doing with my life.

But with or without my input, it feels like things are starting to shift. Like I’m being carried by an invisible riptide. According to everyone else, though, it would seem I shouldn’t be letting it. Swim across it, Riggs, I tell myself. Remember your surfing days. You know what to do to break free of it.

Yes, I have a book to finish, but I seriously start looking at jobs. The most obvious fit being ghost-writing or editing, I find an online platform and after getting my head around how it works, apply for a few. And while I wait for a response, I keep writing.

It’s about discipline, I tell myself. No more procrastinating, Riggs. There isn’t a moment to waste, not if you want a roof over your head. For the first two days, nothing happens, but then a couple of smaller jobs trickle in. But instead of feeling daunted, I take them in my stride as pretty soon I realise I can do this.

As far as moving out is concerned, I tap into my innate optimism, then do a complete head in the sand. Something will come up, I tell myself. In my experience, it usually does. Always does, I remind myself. Or always has. In any case, there’s plenty of time.

Emma, however, doesn’t see it like that. ‘I’m going to start looking for somewhere.’

I freeze. ‘What? On your own?’ I ask.

She stares at me. ‘Do you think it would be for the best?’ she asks.

‘What about the baby?’ I say.

Emma sighs. ‘I don’t know what to do if I’m honest. When I moved back, I thought there was a fleeting chance that you and I would get back together. But it isn’t going to happen, is it?’

‘It isn’t,’ I say gently. ‘Aren’t you forgetting something?’

She looks at me, nonplussed. ‘I don’t think so.’

‘Archie?’ I suggest.

‘Oh,’ she says dismissively. ‘I wasn’t sure what you meant. What about him?’

‘I believe it’s called moving on,’ I say. ‘The plan was always to be parents together. There’s no reason why we can’t still do that.’

‘You think?’ Emma sighs. ‘But what if we both meet someone? Or move in with someone else?’

My eyes widen. ‘Are you moving in with Archie?’

‘I’m not sure,’ she says cagily. ‘It’s quite early days still. But he’s a really nice man – I like him.’

‘I’m really happy you’ve met him,’ I say. Then I think of the shagging. ‘Maybe you’re right and we should move into our own places.’

Emma nods. ‘It probably makes sense, doesn’t it?’ She looks at me, a little wistfully. ‘What are you going to do?’ she asks.

‘I haven’t thought about it yet,’ I say nonchalantly. ‘There’s plenty of time.’

Emma rolls her eyes. ‘There really isn’t,’ she says. ‘Don’t leave it too long.’

‘I could always come and stay with you,’ I say, meaning it as a joke, then seeing her look of confusion, instantly regretting it.