Page 78 of You Were Always the One

‘Great.’ I pause. ‘Look, if you want to know the sex, then let’s find out.’

‘I suppose it would make a lot of things easier,’ she says thoughtfully. ‘Like choosing clothes.’

‘And names,’ I add helpfully. ‘I’ve been giving them some thought. I’ll send you a shortlist,’ I say. ‘Boys and girls names.’

‘Wow,’ Emma says.

‘What is it now?’ I ask, slightly exasperated. It feels like whatever I do is wrong.

‘Nothing. I’m just not used to you being so decisive,’ she says.

Not sure if she’s being sarcastic, I add it to my growing list of shortfalls.

My first month in France passes frighteningly quickly. Pages of my gently morphing book slowly get written, while there’s nothing not to love about this simple life. But as I settle in, what comes next is the most startling realisation yet. Because regardless of anything else, I have a book to finish writing. And I really don’t want to think about going home.

EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO

As she spoke, it was as though she held my life in her hands. ‘What do you want, Skye?’ I asked her.

‘I want you to be happy.’ But her face was troubled.

My eyes searched hers. ‘Don’t you think I am?’

‘If I’m honest, no,’ she whispered.

Going over to her, I wrapped my arms around her. ‘I am happier than I ever imagined I could be.’ I was far from ready for this conversation. ‘Is there something else?’ As I held her, I felt her body tighten.

‘I’m scared, Monty.’ Pulling back, she gazed at me. ‘I’m scared this life we have isn’t enough for you.’ She paused. ‘I’m scared one day, you’ll realise that and I’m going to lose you.’

Was it something that happened to all of us? That unspoken fear of losing the ones we love? Or maybe it had a purpose and it stopped us taking them for granted. But I was hardly an expert – in fact, when it came to relationships, I was feeling my way. But not when it came to love…

‘You won’t,’ I say quietly, fiercely. ‘The only way you’ll lose me is if you choose to walk away. Because I can tell you now. It won’t be me who leaves.’

It’s as though her body sighs as I hold her. ‘You’re sure?’ she murmured.

‘Of course I am.’ But there was a niggling doubt in my mind. When we were travelling around Europe without a care in the world, I had the time of my life. I had to admit that since coming back to England, life seemed a little stifled in some way. Or maybe it was more that I felt stifled.

It was as though Skye could sense it. Pulling away, she frowned at me. ‘You’re not, are you?’ She gasped. ‘You’re not sure about us.’ The colour drained from her face. ‘I am going to lose you.’

‘Skye, stop,’ I said desperately. ‘You’re overreacting. Come and sit down. Let’s talk about this.’

‘There isn’t anything to talk about, is there?’ she said tearfully. ‘Not if you’re not sure about us.’ A sob came from her. ‘I really thought you were.’

‘I want to be,’ I said emphatically. ‘I want to know what I want from life, the way you do. But something always seems to get in the way of that.’

‘Nothing’s perfect, Monty,’ she said quietly. ‘I thought we came so close. But I was wrong, wasn’t I?’ She shook her head. ‘I need to get out.’

She pulled on her jacket, then went outside. I watched through the window as she walked down the path, then up the lane, until she was out of sight, as a terrible feeling came over me. What the hell had I just done? And why?

NOVEMBER

27

HOLLY

As the next month passes, life increasingly closes in around me. I’m the supportive wife that Miles needs, transforming mid-afternoon into bright-but-caring Mum when our kids come in from school. I lie in bed at night, worrying about the future.

I watch for signs of improvement in Miles, but even after his radiotherapy finishes, there’s an increasing frailty he tries to hide. All these things prey on my mind, but at the same time, life goes on. Then before I know it, things change again as the autumn colours fade, the early mornings wreathed with mist, a reminder of how quickly time is passing.