Page 9 of You Were Always the One

‘We should definitely still do it,’ Grace says firmly, just as my phone buzzes.

It’s Miles. ‘I’m going to be late,’ he says. ‘There’s a dinner I’d forgotten about.’

‘Oh? Where’s that?’ My radar is immediately on full alert again. Imagining this isn’t a business dinner; that he’s seeing her, again.

‘I’m not sure. I only just found out about it.’ He pauses. ‘How are the kids?’

‘They’re good,’ I say. Then, ‘Have a nice evening.’

‘Thanks.’ He sounds surprised. ‘I’m not sure what time I’ll be back. Don’t wait up,’ he says.

The call ends and I just stand there, battling my insecurities, fielding memories of Miles’s infidelity, as well as the sense it’s happening all over again.

‘Who was that?’ Grace interrupts my thoughts.

‘Daddy. He’s going to be late,’ I say breezily. ‘He has a work dinner to go to.’

‘Cool.’ She carries on writing, then she stops again. ‘Where’s his dinner?’

‘I don’t know. He didn’t say.’ My eyes fill with tears I try to hide from Grace. ‘I’ll be back in a minute.’ Going upstairs, I shut myself in our en-suite where I know the kids won’t hear me. Wiping my eyes, I call Rita.

‘It’s me,’ I say as quietly as I can. ‘I think Miles is doing it again.’

‘Seeing someone?’ She sounds shocked. ‘Shit, Holls. Are you sure?’

‘I’m not. But the signs are there.’ I tell her about the so-called business dinner.

‘Fuck,’ she says. ‘Do you think it’s her, again?’ Then, ‘Surely he wouldn’t?’

‘I don’t know. And it isn’t just about the dinner,’ I say. ‘I know he says all the right things. But there’s always a distance between us.’

‘You need to get to the bottom of this,’ she says. ‘Why are you whispering?’

‘I’m in the en-suite. The kids are home.’

‘Oh.’ She pauses. ‘Would you like me to go and spy on him?’

‘Don’t you dare,’ I say, horrified.

‘Well, if he is seeing her again, you need to know,’ she says.

She’s right. I do need to know. But as I sit there, it’s as though my emotions have switched off. But if I’m right about this, I’ve been here before. It was agonising – and I can’t put myself through that again.

Rita goes on. ‘Can I ask you something?’

‘Sure.’

‘Do you love Miles?’

Sitting on the edge of the bath, I take in her question. ‘I used to. But now…’ All I feel is numbness. ‘Everything’s so mixed up, I don’t know how I feel.’

‘Don’t you think you’d know if you loved him?’ Rita’s voice is quiet. Then, with the right best friends have to be honest, to the point of brutal, ‘I’m not sure you ever have. Not like you loved Riggs,’ she adds.

As she speaks, I’m in turmoil, because a part of me knows she’s right. Then I hear a call from downstairs. ‘Got to go. Grace wants me.’

‘Holls, talk to Miles,’ she says. ‘Even if it turns out you’re worrying about nothing, you can’t go on putting yourself through this.’

That night, when my children are in bed, I sit in the kitchen. Pouring myself a glass of wine, I contemplate the truth: that I have no idea where Miles is tonight. My head is crowded with thoughts about him being unfaithful. About what comes next if this is the end of us, because Rita’s right. I’ve been here before. I can’t do it again.