Page 111 of Golden Ruin

I pause with my shake halfway to my mouth, feeling like my stomach just did a somersault. I’m careful not to react, not to let my expression change, but I’d be lying if I said that didn’t just knock the wind out of me. Lexi shoots me a weird look, which means I didn’t hide that very well.

“You okay?” She crosses her arms, resting her hip against the edge of the counter. There’s tension across her brow, which means she’s genuinely concerned and has no clue why my world just caved in.

“I’m good, I just… didn’t realize you were still looking.”

Her head tilts and confusion follows.

“Sterling, I–” She glances toward Jax when her words cut off. “Yesterday was… a lot,” she says carefully. “I’m not pretending it didn’t happen, I’m just saying neither of us has a clue what any of it means yet. I could afford to be reckless and carefree once upon a time, but I can’t derail my plan on what ifs. I have to be settled, and I have to be stable. For Jax. No exceptions.”

Her words echo in my head. What happened last night shifted things, rearranged every single thought I had about her, about us. For me, the question of will we work out was answered. And it became a matter of when not if we work things out.

But while I naively let myself think last night meant we crossed the bridge, according to Lexi, we just took one small step.

I stare straight ahead, finishing my shake in silence because I’m scared what my eyes would give away if I look at her. That I’m rattled, that I didn’t realize I was walking ten steps ahead of her.

“I have to get Jax to school,” she says softly, and I nod.

“Yeah. Of course.” I fake a smile, pretending my heart isn’t in the fucking garbage disposal right now.

“Bye, Daddy!”

Jax latches onto my leg, and I rub his hair. “Have a good day at school, okay, bud?”

“I will.”

Lexi shoots me a worried look as she passes on her way to the garage, and I do my best to hold my composure until she’s gone because, before now, I thought she was starting to believe this could work.

But if she doesn’t already see we’re nowhere near being over, I have no idea how I’m supposed to convince her.

*

My head’s been fucked up all day. Through my workout, while I showered, and still as I pace from one side of my room to the other.

Makes it worse that the house is too quiet with Jax at Lexi’s parents’ for the night. It gives me a taste of what it’ll be like when they leave, when it’s just me again.

I breathe deep and stop at the sliding doors, staring out at the moon when my phone buzzes in my pocket. Another breath huffs out when I see it’s Cliff. I don’t need this shit. Not tonight.

“Yeah,” I answer.

“You’d think you’d answer my calls with a little more enthusiasm,” he laughs. “Guys would kill for even a fraction of the deals you have.”

I lower my head when guilt sets in, because he’s right. I’m fortunate. I get it.

“You know what this is about, don’t you?”

I nod like he’s here to see it. “Spain.”

“You bet your ass it is. They want you, Golden. Not as a backup or a maybe. They’re trying to build this entire deal around you.”

My gut twists, feeling every ounce of the pressure he wants me to. This would’ve been a dream come true a few months ago.

Before Jax and Lexi came.

Before I realized my priorities shifted.

“Why do I feel like I’m more excited about this than you are?”

“I never said I’m not excited.”