Page 7 of Formaldehyde

I want to dig inside of my chest to rip out my heart, to banish these feelings I have, to rid the toxic poison that’s running through my veins.

Lifting my hands, I place them on Ethan’s chest and shove him backwards. He stumbles then quickly rights himself, his eyes filled with a darkness that I’ve never seen before. He goes to move towards me again and I lift my hand, stopping him in place.

“Don’t come any closer. This is sick and wrong.” My chest heaves as the tears begin to spill down my face and what I’m about to say to him, will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. “You’re sick, Ethan. I don’t feel for you, like how you feel for me. Why can’t you see that? Everyone was right when they said you were a.. freak.”

The words feel like venom on my tongue and the regret hits me like a train but I need to do this. To protect myself. To protect us.

I watch as my brother holds his chest like I’ve physically wounded him and before he’s even has the chance to say anything, I bolt out of the back door like a coward, and run down the street towards Chloe’s house, feeling my heart shatter into a million pieces.

My chest heaves with physical pain as I round the corner of Chloe’s street. Expensive houses line the paths, each of them with manicured lawns and fancy cars. A completely foreign world, than to what I’m used to. Loud music blasts down the street as I walk closer to my best friend's house. Crowds of people sing and yell outside of her two-story house, each of them swaying and drinking heavily.

Anxiety coils in my stomach at the thought of mingling with these people but maybe this is what I need, and a strong drink or two to take my mind off of my brother. I want to forget everything that happened between us.

I make my way up to the front garden with a brave face and shuffle my way through the rowdy crowd and into the house. Every inch of the living room is packed with people in different costumes, the music thrums through my veins and various drinks in plastic cups are passed around like sweets. Sweat begins to gather on my skin with how stuffy the room is and I quickly shove through the mass of bodies until I find myself in the open plan kitchen.

Bright fluorescent lights illuminate the expensive kitchen, the island that sits centre in the room is filled with various bottles of alcohol and I quickly make my way over to grab a plastic cup and the bottle of vodka.

I’m not much of a heavy drinker but with the way I’m feeling right now, I need all I can get to shun this heavy feeling away from me.

The clear liquid sloshes into the cup and I grab a couple of ice cubes from a cooler and plop them into the drink before bringing it to my lips and taking a huge gulp. Fire burns through my throat and euphoria blooms in my bloodstream as the strong spirit mixes with my senses. After a couple of seconds, I’ve already polished off the first cup and I’m now onto my second one, repeating the same steps of pouring the vodka and throwing some ice in.

I lift the cup again but I’m stopped in my tracks when a hand lands on my shoulder. “Ali! You’re finally here!” Chloe’s round face is flushed with pink and she sways on her heels. “I didn’t think you were gonna show!”

Keeping a hold of the cup, I turn to face her. “Of course I’m here, I said I would be, didn't I?” Her eyes are glazed over with a cloudy hue, a bright smile pulls at her lips as she yanks me into her embrace. We collide together and burst into a fit of laughter as our drinks slosh all over the place. Chloe plants a kiss on my cheek and gives me a squeeze before pulling back and lacing her hand through mine.

“C’mon, I need to introduce you to everyone.”

My best friend’s enthusiasm is addicting and I allow her to drag me through the house. Bodies from all angles shove into me and the room, filled with coloured strobe lights from the music system quickly turns into a hazy blur. It’s safe to say the vodka has hit my system like a ton of bricks.

The moment we reach the garden, I inhale the cold air and allow it to settle on my heated skin. Stars fill the night sky like a blanket covered in glitter but I’m only allowed to appreciate it for a moment before Chloe drags me further across the garden towards a group of people who are laughing and joking around with each other.

One guy shouts from the group with a drink in one hand and a smoking joint in the other. “Yo, Chloe! Who you got there?”

His hazy eyes behind the devil facepaint glare into my soul and unease washes over my body. I can practically feel his slimy stare trailing over my too exposed skin.

“This is my bestie, Alina! She’s a lil shy, so be nice.”

Chloe pulls me into the group and I quickly tangle my fingers together to give me something to focus on. Each set of eyes from the group trail over me and I immediately feel the need to run away, to hide away with.. Ethan. A girl from the group quickly offers me a drink that looks like it belongs in a chemical factory. It’s bright green, bubbles popping and fizzing at the surface.

“Here, you look like you need a drink!” She shouts over the loud music with a glint in her eye. I take the cup from her and bring the mysterious liquid to my lips, a sharp smell of apple and lemonade tickles my nose as I gulp down the drink, sweet and sour coats my throat as I dredge the cup. Once I’ve finished, a burst of laughter breaks out around me and embarrassment has me darting my eyes around the group, trying to pinpoint what they’re all laughing at.

The guy from before inhales a large drag from the joint before blowing a thick cloud of smoke my way. “Christ girl, you’re one thirsty nun.” I try to shun off the awkward feeling and plaster a fake smile on my face, all the while I’m more than ready to go home. I don’t fit in with these people and maybe this was just a massive mistake.

“Wanna try some?” The guy in the devil facepaint offers the joint to me and I swallow the thick ball that’s lodged inside my throat, fighting with myself on what I should do. I’m desperate to feel included by people, to have a real group of friends and the last thing I want to do is look like a pussy by declining his offer.

Chloe shoves my shoulder playfully then tips her head towards the smoking joint. “C’mon babe, try it! You’ll love it I promise.” Her eyes shine under the garden light and she quickly runs the back of her hand under her nose to wipe something away, something that I definitely didn’t see before.

Feeling pressured but also wanting to do this, I take the joint from the guy’s outstretched hand and bring it to my lips and inhale. Thick smoke swirls around inside of me, mingling with my lungs and immediately I choke on the disgusting taste. I cough and splutter, causing the group to break into another fit of laughter at my demise but I’m quickly pulled into a hug from the guy who offered me the joint.

“Maybe less of a deeper inhale next time, yeah? Seems like you’re not the innocent nun afterall.”

He smells expensive and fresh, and I can’t stop my mind from imaging Ethan in his place. Soft hands, unlike my brother’s run over my hips and down towards my ass, giving it a firm squeeze and I yelp at the sharp pain.

“Easy babe, just relax. It’s all good.” He murmurs into my ear and I nod, refusing to make even more of a fool of myself. He continues to travel the expanse of my ass, groping and kneading the flesh in his hand, all the while I can feel myself getting dizzier, my limbs suddenly feeling like jelly.

What’s happening to me?

Where is Ethan?