Page 39 of Stanton Unconditional

8

Natasha

I’m cut. So deep that I can feel myself bleeding out, gasping for air… for life. If I was hooked up to a heartrate monitor it would show the weakening of my heartbeat every hour, every minute without him. The sound of the beep would be getting softer beat by beat. I feel like a plant that has been starved of the sun, in total darkness.

I don’t know how to not love Joshua Stanton. I have loved him for every minute of every hour of every day since I was a seventeen-year old girl. He was my life, my every dream and until now I didn’t realize what an ingrained part of my psyche he was. I dream of him nearly every night. Horrible nightmares, ones where we are in the tunnel and he is being beaten to death and I am raped, or the other dream, the one where I am forced to watch him make tender passionate love to Amelie. It’s so real that I can see the sheen of perspiration on his body, hear his cries as his orgasms rip through him. Feel him quiver with need, kiss her lips as they both gasp for air. I don’t know which dream I dread the most, they are both horrific. But it’s the vision of Joshua and Amelie making love that haunts me throughout my working day. Are they making love right now?

I sit in my office staring out the window, lost in my own regret.

It’s 7 am. I have been working ridiculous hours to escape the small-talk of the girls in my apartment. Max is across the road in the park, Ben has asked him to stay with me until the media circus dies down. Except now there are three other guards as well, and I don’t have a minute of privacy. I should just issue a statement saying we are not or never have been married, but I just can’t do it. It’s the final nail in my coffin that I don’t have the strength to hammer in. How did it get to this? I have been back at work for a week and my mind is far from being on the job. I still haven’t gotten a new phone, I’m too scared. Scared he will call, scared that he won’t. I can’t have him in my life, I know that. But the thought that he could move on with her tears my heart wide open.

I am dreading the weekend like the plague. I can’t even

pretend not to be sad and I feel bad for the girls who are constantly trying to cheer me up and pull me out of this funk.

Now I have to call Adrian as Nicholas Anastas is on my case. He has come into work twice this week. He’s keen, I will give him that. My little hard to get act was very effective. Abbie is right, this shit actually works.

I feel sick knowing I have to make this call, I slowly dial his number. It rings.

He picks up. “Adrian Murphy.”

I panic and hang up as tears rush to my eyes. Who am I kidding? I can’t talk to Adrian, he’s Joshua’s best friend. I need to distance myself from everybody in his circle. Too bad, I’m making an executive decision. Nicholas can have Adrian’s number. I text it to him immediately from my work phone before I can second guess myself, the way I feel at the moment the bloody grim reaper can have his number.

Adrian

I sit on my deck chair beside Cameron as I feel the warmth of the sun dance on my skin. We both watch him glide through the water in silence. It’s 1 pm and Cam and I are on our second beer as we ponder how in the hell to keep him occupied for the weekend.

“How many laps can he actually do?” Cameron asks. I shrug.

“A lot, it seems. More than us anyway.” Cameron smirks. “That wouldn’t be hard.”

It has been eight days since we lost Natasha and she consequently returned to Australia. Joshua has been a fucking nightmare. He’s training like a man possessed, his way of burning that extra energy, extra anger. He still can’t fly for another six days.

“What do you want to do tonight?” I ask.

Cameron shrugs. “Has Ben finished the security tapes yet?”

“No, still no idea of what hospital that guy got his cast on at.”

“At least when we find the hospital, we will have a name to track.” Cameron sighs as he lays back and closes his eyes as his face tilts to the sun.

“Didn’t you say you had to go into work today?” I frown.

He nods as he takes a sip of his beer. “I was just going into pathology to get some blood tests, but now that I’ve been drinking that’s not going to happen.”

“What are the blood tests for?”

Cameron shrugs. “Just routine stuff. Tell me, Murph. What happens if this trip to Australia doesn’t go well? What then?”

I shrug. “The thought has crossed my mind. Tash will understand, she loves him. They were broken up; she can’t hold it against him… surely.”

“You know, I’ve been thinking and the fact that Natasha has never slept with anyone else is going to work against him.” Cameron sighs.

I frown. “What do you mean?”

“You knew that, right?”

“Knew what?” I ask.