Page 81 of The Heart You Kept

With one long wave goodbye I make my way in through security with a spring in my step. This weekend really was just what I needed, being with my people is good for my soul and I don’t feel so alone.

Distance gave me perspective.

I walk out of the boarding gate feeling lighter and a deeper sense of who I am.

It’s time to face the music.

I don’t know much about things but I do know for certain that guilt is not for me and no matter who or what I’ve done, nothing is worth losing respect for myself over.

I’m going to talk to Pascal and lay everything out on the table, he couldn’t pick me up because he was working but he’s coming over tonight.

I wait for my luggage by the carousel as I go over the conversation in my head, a practiced speech that I think I’ve nailed. It’s all I’ve thought about for two days.

I may be a lot of things, but I am not a coward.

I’m not going to see Edward again and I feel so much better for it.

Now, it’s time for me.

HOURS LATER.

My heart pounds in my chest, my stomach churns and damn it, sitting at the table across from Pascal I’m not feeling so brave now. I push my pasta around my plate with my fork as I try to find the words.

Just say it.

“I have a surprise for you.” Pascal smiles.

“You do?”

He reaches into his inside jacket pocket to get something. “I think it’s time.”

No….

“Stop,” I blurt out. “Whatever you are going to say, I need to say something first, and whatever my surprise is…please keep it in your pocket.”

He frowns and pulls his empty hand out. “What is it?”

“I….” I swallow the lump in my throat as my eyes hold his. “I don’t know Edward Prescott through his sister. I know him because we briefly dated years ago.”

His face falls.

“And…on the night of the auction, Edward and I kissed and I lied to you and I hate myself for it.”

Anger flashes across his face.

“And I don’t think we can see each other anymore because if I were really in love with you I would never have allowed this to happen in the first place.”

His eyes hold mine but he stays silent.

“You’re such a good man, Pascal, and you deserve someone who appreciates every single inch of you and I wish it were me. But….” I’m talking fast to try and get this off my chest, trying my hardest to make this sound better. “I’ve let you down and I don’t deserve you.”

“You’re right, you don’t.” He folds his napkin and puts it on the table in slow motion as if processing my words. His eyes rise to search mine.

“Don’t look at me like that,” I whisper.

“Like what, like you’re throwing away a real love with me for a fantasy with him. And it is just a fantasy Alora, he has a fucking girlfriend and you will never be more to him than a piece of ass on the side. You think he’s over there breaking up with his princess for you? Confessing his sins. This is how he operates; this is what he does. You think you’re the first woman he’s strayed with, please. Don’t flatter yourself. You’re just one of many, he probably kissed ten women at that auction. He’s probably fucked another ten since. You are nothing to him.”

His silhouette blurs.