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‘What? No one cares about you being an assistant—’

‘That’s not the point.’

‘Then what is the point?’

‘I can’t do this,’ I say. ‘I can’t.’ I know I’m being irrational, that what he is saying is all reasonable, but that scares me more than anything. Caleb was reasonable. I took reasonable at face value. I need him to be irrational. I need him to love me irrationally, love me hard enough to take all my fear away.

‘So where does that leave us?’ he asks.

‘I don’t know.’ I am looking down at the sink because I don’t trust myself to look at him.

‘So that’s it? Just like that?’ he says. ‘You don’t want us to be together?’

‘I don’t.’ It takes all of my strength to say this.

‘You’re sure?’

‘I’m sure,’ I say, finally, looking up, my voice, for once, not wavering, not betraying me.

‘Okay then.’ He takes a deep breath, runs his hand over his head. His eyes are shiny.

Oh god. I feel sick. I want to take it all back.

I halfway step towards him, I almost do it, but he squares his shoulders and his eyes harden. ‘Then I think I should move out. Back to Melbourne.’

He’s going to leave. Of course he’s going to leave. Xavier always runs.

My stomach drops, and I grip the sink. Stay calm. Stay in control.

‘Okay,’ I say, and my voice sounds cold.

‘I shouldn’t have stayed so long anyway.’

He turns and heads to his room and it takes me a second to realise he’s packing, he’s leaving now. This very minute. He’s packing everything.

Rex twines around my legs as I keep standing in the kitchen, and I lean down and pick him up. He lets me pick him up. I press my face to his fur, which I know is going too far in our tentative relationship, but he doesn’t squirm or scratch me.

Xavier comes back into the room, and my heart leaps. Maybe he’s not going to leave. He’s going to refuse and he’s going to figure out a magic solution to all our problems.

‘I’m going to stay with James, but he’s not a big fan of cats, so can I leave Rex here? Just for the night, then I’ll come back and take him to Lana’s house.’

I nod. My heart is pounding, but I push it all down, the tears, the sick feeling, the voice screaming, You idiot, don’t let him go. And that’s why I need him out. I am too vulnerable.

It’s dark now, but I can’t stand it any longer. I can’t be here when he leaves. I can’t, I can’t. I might actually be sick. I might sob. I will cling to his legs and take it all back. I’ll beg him and not in a sexy way. I’ll beg and cry and make a whole exhibition of myself. I can feel it building up inside me. I’ll tell him I love him. I can’t hold it back. I need to leave the house.

I put Rex down, and I walk out the door, not even saying goodbye, which is utterly, utterly cowardly, but that’s where I’m at, and I wander the streets in the dark, arguing with him in my head, making my case. I walk towards the beach without really thinking, not intending to go onto the sand, because it will make me think of him even more, but as I reach the park, I see the rotunda all lit up with fairy lights and lanterns. It looks beautiful.

It’s Hillary and Graham’s date. I completely forgot that was tonight. I watch from a distance for a moment. Graham’s done well. It looks perfect. He is holding out his hand to her, and she takes it and they’re dancing in the moonlight. They’re dancing close, Hillary’s head on his shoulder.

I turn away. The tears I have been holding back start, and I wipe them, determinedly.

When I get home, Xavier is gone.

The biggest emotional whiplash of my life.

The cake is sitting in the fridge and I pull it out. I will have cake for dinner, and I will read Persuasion and my birthday will still be nice.

But I sit down on the couch and find I don’t have the energy to get up and cut a slice of cake, or read a book, or even turn on the TV. I sit alone in the dark until I feel a weight next to me on the couch, and I see Rex is beside me.