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Kat sits down next to me. ‘Have you asked Xavier about the session yet?’

‘No, not yet.’ I am trying to keep my face neutral, but I can tell my eyes are betraying me.

‘Xavier’s the good sex,’ Kat announces.

I turn in my chair to look at them both.

‘Confirm it. We need closure, it’s torture,’ Jamila says.

‘You only found out about the good sex this morning, how much torture could you have gone through between now and then?’ I say.

‘I told you about my bad sex, you owe me your good sex,’ Jamila says, which makes me feel bad.

‘Fine. Fine,’ I say. I am tempted to lie and say I hooked up with some random in Melbourne but I can’t think of a story, and I don’t want to lie to them, or anyone, anymore. I need to be brave. I can trust these women. Not being honest with my old coworkers about Caleb and me is something I still regret.

They must be able to tell what I’m thinking, because Kat softens.

‘We would never tell Hillary. Or anyone.’

‘Cone of silence,’ Jamila says solemnly.

‘Okay then,’ I say. ‘Yes. It was Xavier.’

‘I knew it,’ Kat says, clapping her hands.

‘So he was great in bed?’ Jamila asks, looking thrilled.

I can see her adding this to the mental dossier she keeps on Xavier.

‘What happened exactly? How did you get together? Go from the beginning,’ Kat says.

‘I don’t really want to go into it right now. But long story short, we slept together, it was a mistake, and he moved out, and we haven’t spoken since.’

‘Shit. So, it’s a whole drama,’ Kat says.

‘Yes.’

‘And I shouldn’t have suggested you two do a session together?’

‘Ideally, no.’

‘Oooops. I’m really sorry.’ She makes a face.

‘It’s okay. He’ll say no.’

‘Do you want us to ask him?’ Jamila says.

‘No. I’ll ask him. I think I need to do it in person though. I’m going to drive to Melbourne now,’ I say. ‘See him in person, maybe stay with my parents, and I’ll be back tomorrow morning. Okay?’

‘Okay, and when you’re back, you are telling us the whole Xavier-sex story,’ Kat says, and then she hugs me.

‘And I’m going to try sex with Darius again tonight,’ Jamila says cheerfully.

‘Big night for everyone,’ Kat adds. ‘Simone is working so I’m going to lie on the couch and watch Deadloch again.’

I don’t let myself go home and change, because I know I’ll get fixated on what to wear and lose my entire nerve. I drive to Melbourne listening to pump-up music, and then switching to a serious podcast, then to sad music. Every option makes me impatient and agitated, because nothing is helping my problem, which is that I feel utterly sick about seeing Xavier again. I should be over him by now, I tell myself. We were only together a few times. Seven weeks is enough to get past that. But I feel less over it now than the day he walked out. I have tried to pack all the feelings away but they’re not cooperating. They’re knocking on doors, banging on walls, invading my dreams. My chest aches from missing him. How do I get this man out of my system?

Doing a session at the writers festival is not the answer, I know that much.