Page 95 of People Skills

‘Oh my god, I was joking!’ Robbie throws his hands in the air.

‘You weren’t!’

‘Okay, maybe the two of you would like to chat outside,’ Hillary says, glancing at the rest of us at the table, who are all silently watching the situation play out.

‘I’m not going out there to get bitten by mosquitoes and catch some tropical disease,’ Ettie says.

‘One of the bedrooms then,’ Hillary says. ‘Or my office.’

Robbie plonks on the couch, head in hands.

‘Get him a drink, Dad,’ James says to Graham.

‘More drinks for everyone, I think,’ Graham says loudly and heartily.

‘Robbie isn’t drinking at the moment, in solidarity with Ettie,’ Hillary says.

‘That’s ridiculous,’ Graham says. ‘Get him a whisky.’

‘Is it? Because I would have appreciated that from you when I was pregnant,’ Hillary says.

‘You’re weren’t even home when you were pregnant! You were gallivanting around the world.’

‘Gallivanting! When a woman has to travel for work, why is it always gallivanting?’

‘And this is why I can’t have the two of you near the baby!’ Ettie says. ‘Listen to them, Robbie.’

Robbie brings his head up and nods.

‘Tell them about the rules,’ Ettie implores him.

‘Ettie and I have some rules we’re hoping to go over with you both, for when the baby comes,’ Robbie says.

‘Rules?’ Hillary says, confused.

‘I got the whooping cough shot,’ Graham says. ‘And the flu. And the shingles. And the RSV. At this point, you can stick anything in me and I’ll take it.’

James and Xavier exchange a look.

‘It’s not about shots,’ Robbie says.

‘But they’re important too, and Mum, you still need to get the RSV one,’ Ettie says.

Hillary opens and closes her mouth.

‘It’s about keeping a peaceful environment,’ Robbie says, standing and moving over to Ettie, who smiles and takes his hand.

‘No arguments,’ Ettie says. ‘She can hear you, in the womb, and already her first impression of her grandparents is them fighting.’

‘And what is her impression of her parents?’ says Hillary.

Ettie ignores this.

‘So we need you to make a commitment. Speak civilly or you’ll have to take turns attending family events,’ she says.

Hillary and Graham are exchanging a look. Hillary shakes her head at him.

‘Well, we have an announcement to make,’ Graham says, and James, who has just taken a big sip of his wine, coughs and sputters.