Page 23 of Not Another Christmas Movie

“Sure, but it’s more about the long glances and soft sighs, a pure and simple love. But, yes, you’re right, this would probably be the point that the lead characters have that ‘near kiss’ I was talking about,” Nick explained, using his hands to note the “near kiss” quotations.

“Yeah, explain some more about the ‘near kiss.’ I don’t understand how or why that would happen so frequently, why can’t they stick their tongues down each other’s throats?” Annie asked.

“Okay, usually it’s like”—Nick moved closer to Annie to demonstrate his point—“they’re just about to let their lips meet,” Nick said, his face only inches from hers. Annie could feel her eyes dilating at his sudden proximity. Annie’s limbs tingled in anticipation, like they were about to die of thirst and Nick was a glass of water they yearned to reach. This surprising reaction to him was paralyzing. Yikes. What was that?

“But something comes along to break the tension and they’re interrupted,” Nick finished, his mouth close enough that she could feel his warm breath. But then he stepped back, completely unaware of the heart he had unexpectedly stopped in Annie’s chest.

“Honestly, sometimes, I find those moments more romantic than the final kiss,” Nick admitted as he continued his assessment. Annie rolled her eyes, resetting herself, relieved to find her default snark returning.

She breathed out the tension in her muscles, attributing her strange physical reaction to Nick’s closeness as a quirk of their circumstances. That had to be it.

“After that, we need some sort of mix-up, like there’s a miscommunication and someone overhears something that they misinterpret. The lead has a reawakening where they reevaluate their circumstances and how they feel; they realize they’ve found a new happiness they didn’t know was possible and a love they never knew they needed, that kind of thing. They have to have a moment to overcome the fear of getting hurt and assert their acquired understanding. Often, both romantic leads have to overcome this step so that they can finally reveal their honest affection. Sometimes it’s thanks to one of those supporting cast members—”

“I call Santa Felix,” Annie interjected, and Nick looked like he wanted to say something about that but instead continued.

“Oh, and usually one of them will say ‘Merry Christmas’ to the other romantic lead but, like, in a sad way as they slowly walk away. When they think there’s no way for them to be together, and it’s all over.”

“Such dum-dums,” Annie said, throwing her hands up.

“It often ends with a proposal, and there’s a nice closing moment of the leads sharing a modest kiss surrounded by the town as it snows.”

“I’m sorry, the norm is having a proposal with a ‘modest kiss’? And viewers willingly believe that two characters who have never banged or experimented at all sexually are now going to spend the rest of their lives together?” Annie asked, aghast.

“I don’t think the intended audience is thinking about that,” Nick said.

“What if one character has a secret kink that the other can’t handle? Or like, she loves latex, but he’s allergic? Does it ever not work out because they weren’t sexually compatible? Do we ever get some kind of update?”

“About a secret kink? No, sad to say, I haven’t seen that pop up,” Nick said dryly. “Sometimes a movie will do like a ‘one year later’ epilogue moment in the end with the characters getting married or something,” Nick shrugged.

“Do you think they have, like, holiday-themed lingerie? Like when they finally get it on?” Annie asked, her mind wandering.

“Annie, are you okay? You seem overly curious about the sex lives of fictional characters,” Nick said.

“They’re not fictional now, they’re us!” Annie retorted with a loud groan before whipping her head back to Nick, realizing she had used “us” when referring to their sex lives. “We have to trick the system before it tricks us. We need to hurry up and get our almost kisses out of the way so we can move on to the next steps and escape back to normal … Wait. What if we kiss? Like, right here, right now?” Annie asked.

“What?” Nick spluttered, instantly reddening.

“Oh, sorry, do you have a real-world girlfriend or something? Or were you looking forward to kissing Bailey again?” Annie asked, uncomfortably unsure which way she wanted him to answer.

“I don’t have a real-world girlfriend, no,” Nick said, his cheeks pinkening as his eyes focused on the floor.

“Cool, so let’s kiss and get it over with. Is that okay with you?” Annie asked, taking a step closer to Nick. Her breath caught, nerves betraying her. Silly, since it wasn’t supposed to even mean anything.

“Um,” Nick looked as rigid as a reindeer caught with a mouth full of cookies from Santa’s secret stash.

“Can I kiss you?” Annie asked. Nick looked up, and after a moment, his face only growing redder by the second, slowly nodded his head. He licked his lips in preparation, and it sent a zing through Annie’s body. “Okay, I’m coming in,” Annie announced, trying to move through the awkward energy. This could be their ticket out of here, why was she even hesitating?

Annie inched even closer until Nick was millimeters away. She steadied herself, tilted her head and closed her eyes, preparing to quickly tap her mouth against Nick’s, but when she tried to move her lips any closer, they were met with an unseen barrier. Annie widened her eyes to see that Nick had closed his. His expectant expression made Annie actually want to kiss him even more. She tried again, but still something blocked her way.

“I can’t—” Annie started and Nick’s face changed into one of hurt and horror. “No, no, I mean, I physically can’t. Try to kiss me,” Annie urged, puckering her lips. Nick looked perplexed but bit down on his bottom lip before moving closer. He let out a small gasp when he too was unable to kiss Annie. Just like the wall at the edges of Main Street, neither could cut, or kiss, through the space between them.

“Let’s stick out our tongues and see if we can touch them,” Annie suggested. Nick made an exasperated face but complied. They both darted a tongue out, reaching for the other. No luck. Their tongues circled near each other but never met. Annie groaned into her hands and had a new thought. “What’s the situation … downstairs?” Annie asked Nick, examining his crotch area before meeting his eyes again. Nick looked bewildered. “I mean, like, are we dealing with a Ken situation or do things work as usual?”

“What are you asking?” Nick asked, shifting his weight uncomfortably.

“I don’t want a creepy sound going off, so I’m not sure how to word this,” Annie considered. “Can you get … hard?” Annie asked, cautiously looking around the room. When no sound alerted, she let out a sigh of relief. Nick looked stunned. “Well, can you?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t exactly experimented with that,” Nick told her, looking flustered.