Page 11 of The Christmas Letter

‘Daniel broke up with me last night.’

‘Oh shit, babe. I’m so sorry.’

‘It’s fine,’ Holly said with a sigh. There was already so much traffic on the road, even though it was barely light, the grey morning dull enough that she’d needed to switch the headlights on. She supposed that made sense on Christmas Eve, everyone was on their way to families for the day itself. She remembered Emma’s statistic about traffic accidents at Christmas in the letter and slowed down a fraction, checking her wing mirrors.

‘It’s ok to say you’re not fine, you know. So you don’t feel like going out?’ Abi continued. ‘Totally understandable. I could come round instead? Pick up a Thai from that place you like or something?’

‘Er, well, actually . . .’ Holly explained her impromptu trip quickly, bracing herself for Abi’s inevitable reaction.

‘For God’s sake, Holly!’

‘You were the one who told me to join the club in the first place!’ Holly protested.

‘I told you to write the letters, because I thought it might be cathartic and help you to come to terms with it all, alleviate your guilt or whatever. I did not tell you to go off hunting for a stranger you’ve never met with some ridiculous mission in mind!’

‘Look,’ Holly said, ‘I need to do this. I need to help this woman.’

‘Why?’ Abi asked – her voice stubborn rather than curious. Proving a point rather than actually asking.

‘Because . . .’ How could she explain it? The fact that she felt she should do this – because maybe, even if she couldn’t stop herself from being lonely at Christmas, she could stop someone else feeling that way instead. And fine, ok, maybe she also wanted the distraction. But what was wrong with that?

‘Holly, I know you think what happened to Lily that day was your fault, but—’

‘It was my fault, Abi,’ Holly said flatly. ‘I was driving.’

‘It was the other car who was wrong,’ Abi said gently. ‘You have the court case to prove that.’ Holly shuddered a little, remembering. The driver of the oncoming car had been given a year’s prison sentence. Only a year. And Holly wasn’t even given a slap on the wrist. She was a victim of someone else’s dangerous driving, they’d all said so – the barrister, the judge. Her dad had said so too, as the verdict was announced – her dad, not her mum, because her mum had been sitting separately, on the other side of the courtroom with Lily.

There was nothing you could have done, Holly. But if he’d really thought that, then why had her parents suggested that it was better, all things considered, if she didn’t spend the Christmas after the accident with them? That it would be better if she gave Lily some space?

Holly took a breath. ‘Look, the point is, I can do something about this. This woman is alone, and dealing with a cancer diagnosis, and I can help.’

‘How, exactly, are you planning to help? Are you just going to show up and throw your arms around her as if you’re a long-lost friend? You don’t even know the woman, Holly – she could be anyone! She might not want you to find her.’

Holly said nothing. Admittedly, she hadn’t thought much further than just getting to Devon, but she was pretty sure the answers would come to her once she was there.

‘I’m going to go now,’ she said instead. ‘I need to concentrate on driving. I am sorry for ditching you, though. I promise to make it up to you.’

‘It’s fine,’ Abi said on a sigh. ‘James has been trying to get me to go to this drinks thing with his brother for the last two days; he’ll be thrilled I can come along now.’

Holly tried not to feel put out by the fact she was so easily replaced – she was the one ditching Abi, after all, not the other way around.

‘But actually, do you know how you can make it up to me? By coming on this drama trip next term – if I don’t get one more member of staff the whole thing is off and I’ve been banging on about Barney Norris’s plays to my second years long enough that I’m going to have to put my money where my mouth is.’

Holly hesitated. ‘Is Daniel coming?’ He taught music, but they all helped across the board.

Abi’s pause went on a beat too long. ‘Noooo.’

Holly sighed. But then, what kind of friend would she be, if she refused to go just because he was there? What kind of teacher would she be? And yes, teaching hadn’t always been her lifelong dream, but that didn’t mean she didn’t care about the kids. ‘You’re a terrible liar, but it’s fine, I’ll come.’

‘You’re the best.’ Abi said it confidently, like she’d always known Holly would say yes.

‘Yes, yes, I know. I’ll see you soon, yeah? Have fun with the Irish duo tonight.’

‘I will. And Holly?’

‘Hmm?’

‘Just be careful, ok? Just because you might be able to find her, that doesn’t mean she wants to be found.’