Page 64 of The Christmas Letter

Emma was picking at her food now. Holly could have sworn she’d only eaten about two pieces of penne. ‘Aren’t you hungry, Emma?’ she asked.

‘It’s just a little cold,’ Emma said, by way of a non-answer.

‘Well, that’s no good,’ Abi said firmly. ‘Let’s get the waiter over here.’ She straightened, opening her mouth to call out, and Holly knew she’d have her stern teacher voice prepped and ready.

‘No, no,’ Emma said quickly. ‘Don’t bother him. Besides, I had a big breakfast.’ She sighed, put her fork down. ‘I’ll just pop to the loo, if that’s ok.’ She waved a hand at them all as she stood. ‘Talk amongst yourselves.’

Holly watched Emma going, assessing the way she was walking. The problem was, she hadn’t known Emma before she’d got ill, so it was hard to tell whether she was worsening or not. Pam was watching her too, Holly realised. Even Abi was, which for some reason Holly found more worrying – like Emma was so obviously ill that Abi had tuned into it. Silly, she told herself. She’d told Abi about the cancer.

‘How’s she doing, Pam?’ Holly asked, keeping her voice low.

Pam considered, picking up her Prosecco but not drinking. ‘She’s . . . Well, I don’t think she’s doing as well as she pretends to be.’ It was carefully phrased, and Holly wondered how much Pam knew. Was Emma fobbing her off with half-answers too? Or did Pam know more than she was letting on, and just not want to tell Holly?

‘Has she talked to you about what the doctors are saying?’ Holly asked.

Another hesitation. ‘Not really. She isn’t sleeping well, though; she’s let that slip a few times. And I think there’s some pain – but she’s still only taking the over-the-counter painkillers.’

Holly frowned, and Abi opened her mouth to say something, but Emma was coming back out of the ladies now, and all three of them went studiously back to their food.

Emma sat down and narrowed her eyes at them. ‘What are you all sitting here muttering about?’

‘Nothing,’ Holly said quickly.

‘You’re a terrible liar.’

‘We were just saying thank God you’re making a bit of an effort with your outfits these days,’ Pam said, adopting a lofty air. ‘I haven’t seen the holey cardigan in a while now.’

‘Well, don’t you worry. I’ve still got it at the back of the closet for special occasions.’

They were all quiet for a moment, and Holly took a breath, squared her shoulders. ‘Emma,’ she started, but again she was cut off.

‘Can’t we just have a nice lunch, my girl? Aren’t I allowed a little distraction from my cancer-riddled body?’

Holly winced at the word riddled, but she bit her lip, nodded. She was being selfish. She wanted to know the ins and outs of what Emma was going through, what the doctors had said about the cancer, because she wanted to know. But Emma was the one with the illness; Emma was the one who had to live with it, who had to decide on treatment options. So Emma was right: she should be allowed some distraction.

‘So I’ve been thinking about my honeymoon,’ Abi said brightly, and Holly gave her a grateful little smile.

‘Oh goody,’ Pam said, pushing her half-eaten pizza away from her. Holly clocked the longing look Abi gave it. ‘That’s the best bit. What’s the shortlist?’

‘We’ve been thinking about the Caribbean, but it’s expensive, or Bali, but it’s so far, or maybe a city like Venice, but is it a cliché to honeymoon in Venice?’

‘I had my first honeymoon in Venice,’ Pam said with a smile. ‘It’s a cliché for a reason.’

‘I’ve always wanted to go to Venice,’ Emma said. There was no real longing or envy there; it was just matter-of-fact.

Pam’s eyebrows shot up. ‘You’ve never been?’

‘No. Not everyone has had a life of luxury like you.’

‘Well you should go!’ Pam exclaimed.

‘What, on my own? I don’t think it’s a city for that.’ There was a vulnerability there, hidden under the dry exterior. Holly thought again about Jack, about the fact she’d failed to persuade him to talk to his grandmother. They hadn’t spoken since he’d come to Windsor. And that was a good thing, she told herself. She couldn’t be his friend if he continued to blame Emma for everything without even talking to her. Especially, said a sly voice in her mind, as you don’t want to be just his friend, do you?

‘Lily and I used to talk about going too,’ Holly said, dragging herself back to the conversation. She and Emma exchanged a look, one of pure understanding. And next to her, Abi reached out, squeezed Holly’s hand. She had people who cared about her, she reminded herself. She had people who didn’t hate her for what she’d done.

‘Well, then you both must go,’ Pam said, sitting back in her chair like that had settled things.

Emma scoffed. ‘Must we?’