Page 63 of The Christmas Letter

It went to voicemail. He could leave a message, but what would he say? How did you even begin, in a voicemail? So he hung up. It was probably for the best. He had his own reasons not to want to open up that can, after all. Besides, maybe it was a sign – that what was in the past should stay there.

Chapter Twenty

‘Who’s having the risotto?’

‘That’s me,’ Holly said, smiling up at the waiter as he put it down in front of her.

‘The house salad, no dressing?’

‘Me,’ Abi said, the lack of enthusiasm in her voice almost comical. She was on the obligatory pre-wedding diet, having started months too early, in Holly’s opinion.

The waiter placed the pasta dish in front of Emma and the pizza with an inordinate number of toppings in front of Pam. The four of them were in an Italian restaurant on the outskirts of Bristol, a meeting point between Windsor and Devon. None of them knew the area well, so it had been a bit of a punt, and so far seemed decidedly average, in Holly’s opinion. Still, it was nice to see them, and she was pleased that Abi had finally got to meet Emma.

‘More Prosecco?’ asked the waiter, picking the empty bottle out of the wine cooler and holding it up in question.

‘Oh, I should think so, darling,’ Pam said, draining the remainder of her glass. ‘Emma and I will drink it, even if the young’uns are being boring, won’t we, Emma?’

‘I’m driving,’ Holly protested.

‘And I’m dieting,’ said Abi, prodding a limp-looking lettuce leaf with her fork, and earning an eye-roll from Pam, as the waiter disappeared off to get another bottle.

‘I only bothered to go on a diet for my first wedding day and that was the shortest marriage of them all,’ Pam said, as if this proved some kind of point.

‘Well, I’m hoping my marriage will not be short,’ Abi said, picking up her sparkling water. ‘And therefore worth the diet.’

‘We all hope that, darling,’ Pam said.

Emma had been rather quiet since the starters had been taken away, and she’d barely touched the bruschetta she’d ordered, claiming that it was too dry. Holly kept sneaking looks at her, trying to figure out if she looked greyer than the last time she’d seen her. She certainly looked thinner, though she was wearing a nice bright dress today which somewhat disguised that. Her hair seemed to be thinner, too – though again, that was difficult to be sure of, because she’d actually, to Pam’s delight, been to the hairdresser for a blow-dry just the other day.

The waiter brought a new bottle of Prosecco over to the table and topped up Pam’s and Emma’s glasses. Holly gave Emma’s glass a distrustful look. ‘Should you definitely be drinking?’ she asked, though regretted it when she got a look in return. ‘I’m just wondering!’ She’d been doing some research into pancreatic cancer online, though she was trying not to go into full-blown Doctor Google mode.

‘It’s hardly going to make things worse,’ Emma said, in a way that didn’t feel wholly convincing. ‘And besides, I’ve got to make the most of things, while I can.’

‘What do you mean, while you can?’ Holly asked sharply. Both Pam and Abi glanced at her, but she ignored them.

Emma sighed. ‘My girl, I’m just saying that when you get to my age, in my condition, you learn to enjoy the little things.’ Holly opened her mouth to ask more, but Emma spoke loudly over the top of her. ‘How’s the wedding planning coming along, Abi?’

Abi coughed as she tried to swallow her salad too quickly. ‘Oh, good. I think I’m nearly there with everything.’

‘Already?’ Pam asked. ‘Gosh, you’re very organised.’

Abi shrugged. ‘Being organised makes me feel calmer about the whole thing.’ Holly raised her eyebrows at that as she shoved a forkful of risotto into her mouth, and Abi gave her a guilty grin. ‘Most of the time.’

‘Abi’s latest worry is why James hasn’t written his speech yet – with four months still to go.’

‘Write it for him, darling,’ Pam said wisely. ‘That’s what I did for Jim, and he’s the one I’m still married to. And you, Holly?’ Pam asked, looking at her over a slice of pizza. ‘How’s the dating scene?’

‘Ah . . .’

It was stupid, that her mind went immediately to Jack. She’d never even dated him, for God’s sake. But she had seen him without Emma’s knowledge, not once but twice now. And that thought made her stomach squirm, even as her mind wanted to remind her of the way his fingers had felt, tugging grass from her hair.

‘I’m taking a break right now,’ she said, focusing deliberately on getting more risotto onto her fork. Even as she felt Abi shoot her a glance, like somehow she knew exactly where Holly’s mind had just gone. ‘It’s not been that long since Daniel and I broke up.’

That earned a ‘Hmph’ from Pam. ‘You’ve got to get back out there, darling.’

‘Oh, give her a break,’ Emma said, with a wave of her hand. ‘Not everyone can be a serial dater like you. I wasn’t,’ she added, almost as an afterthought.

Holly watched Emma’s expression, trying to gauge it, but Emma became suddenly very interested in her Prosecco. She didn’t talk a lot about her family or her past. Perhaps because it was too painful, thinking about what had once been, or what could have been if things had gone differently, if the accident hadn’t happened. Holly hadn’t been able to coax the fact that Emma was driving out of her yet. At first, she’d felt like she needed to get her head around it and then it felt like the kind of thing you shouldn’t do over the phone – and this was the first time she’d seen Emma in person for a while. And she couldn’t exactly have the conversation in front of Abi and Pam.