Page 83 of The Christmas Letter

‘I don’t know. This is . . .’

‘I know.’ She closed her eyes. ‘It’s a bit much.’

‘Yeah.’

There was a beat of silence between them, broken only by the sound of a door opening somewhere down the corridor, of chatter swelling and then fading. When Holly opened her eyes again, Jack was staring at Emma’s closed door.

‘I’m not really sure what to do,’ Jack said. ‘What do you do, when you find out . . .’

‘I don’t know.’ She felt her lips trembling and bit down on them. ‘Jack, I . . .’

‘It wasn’t your fault.’ How had he known that she was about to apologise? For being the reason Emma didn’t make it to the service that day, the reason Jack and Emma hadn’t reunited three years earlier. ‘None of it. Ok? It’s just . . . Jesus, I don’t know what it is.’

Fate, fate, fate.

Holly took a breath. Because even if that wasn’t her fault, a part of it still was. ‘I tracked her down. After I got her letter, I tracked her down, and then I tracked you down, and I’ve been trying to—’

‘If you hadn’t, maybe I never would have known. Maybe I never would have had the chance to . . .’

To what, Holly wondered? To understand? To say goodbye?

‘I can’t believe that after all of this, I’m supposed to be getting on a flight in a few hours,’ she said, feeling the weight of that settle on her. ‘I’m supposed to fly back today, because term is starting and I need to prepare and—’

‘It’s fine. You go. I’ll stay with Emma. I’ll figure it out.’

That wasn’t what she’d meant, but his words were so final that she wasn’t sure she could argue the fact. ‘You will?’

He blew out a breath. ‘Yeah.’

‘What about your job?’

He shrugged. ‘They won’t care; it’s only an extra couple of days.’ He rubbed his hands over his face. ‘Or maybe they will care, and I’ll get lucky and they’ll fire me.’ He dropped his hands and tried for a smile, but though his lips curved, it didn’t reach his eyes. ‘It’ll be fine, Holly.’

Again that same firm, certain voice. But he was wrong – because it wouldn’t be fine, would it?

Stage 4.

Jack’s expression changed, became more serious. He took a step towards her. ‘Holly, I . . .’

She took a breath, bracing herself, though for what she wasn’t quite sure.

‘I really like you.’

Holly bit her lip as she looked at him, tried to read his expression. She wasn’t even sure what she wanted to see there. Her brain was too muddled with everything that was going on.

‘But all of this . . .’ Jack continued. ‘It just feels like—’

‘Too much?’ Holly suggested, her voice quiet.

‘Yeah,’ Jack said on a sigh. ‘No,’ he corrected quickly. ‘I don’t mean . . .’ He ran a hand across the back of his neck. ‘It feels impossible, doesn’t it, that we bumped into each other in that bloody café, and somehow our lives are . . .’

‘Connected?’ It felt silly, saying it – but it was also true.

Jack nodded. ‘Yeah. And because of all that, it feels like if we . . .’ He reached out to take her hand. ‘If we give it a go, whatever this is between us, I think we should give it the best shot we can.’

Holly’s stomach was fizzing with something – nerves, maybe. And Jack’s hand felt warm, comforting on hers. The only steady thing around her right now. ‘So you’re saying . . .?’

‘I’m saying, not right now.’