Page 84 of The Christmas Letter

‘Not right now?’ Holly repeated.

‘Yeah. Emma, she’s . . . I owe it to her, to try and make up for . . .’ He shook his head. ‘I need to try and make sure she’s ok, or . . . well, you know what I mean. I need to try to figure this all out and I don’t want to promise you something and then be distracted. When the time comes for this – for us – I want to be able to be all in with you. Is that ok?’

She reached up, cupped his face with her hand. ‘Yeah. That’s ok. Emma’s what’s important here.’

And it was true, wasn’t it? She couldn’t start something with Jack, whatever something might end up being, when they’d just found out Emma had Stage 4 cancer. What if it ended badly, for instance, and they broke up, and that caused more stress for Emma? They should both be focused on her right now, not on each other and all of the things that come with figuring out a new relationship.

Jack reached up to lay his hand over hers. ‘I mean it, though.’

She frowned. ‘Mean what?’

‘I like you. A lot.’

Something hot sparked in her stomach, but she smiled, kept it easy. ‘I like you too.’ And it was safe to say that. She liked a lot of people, no big deal.

Liar, a voice in the back of her mind whispered. She chose to ignore it. Because really, it was better this way, wasn’t it? It wasn’t rejection she felt right now, but relief. Relief that he’d made the decision, that he was stepping away before anything serious could happen. Before she could really tumble. It was safer – because if he wasn’t really hers, then she couldn’t lose him. Especially not when Emma . . .

Stage 4.

Holly drew her hand away from Jack’s face. ‘I’d better go and check out, get my stuff.’

‘Ok. I’ll stay here, try to talk to the doctors, figure out a plan.’

Holly nodded. ‘I’ll come back before I go to the airport to check on Emma again.’

‘Ok. I’ll see you soon, then.’ He hesitated, like he might be about to kiss her. Instead he stepped back.

‘Yeah. I’ll see you soon.’

She turned, trying to keep her emotions at bay as she headed out of the hospital, back into the buzz of Venice. It was the right thing to do, to step back from Jack. She’d have to put it from her mind, how it had felt, spending time with him, how it had felt being with him last night, waking up to him. He was right – Emma was what was important. Somehow, they needed to figure out how to be there for Emma, how to help her through this. How to come to terms with it themselves.

And really, if she was being honest with herself, there were other things she needed to sort out too, before she thought about a relationship. Because the little sense of relief she’d felt in deciding to wait with Jack, maybe it meant that Daniel had been right – maybe she wasn’t really ready. She felt the tiniest squirm of guilt at that. Maybe she’d been unfair, lashing out at him – because maybe he’d seen what she hadn’t, seen the fact that she couldn’t give him her whole heart. Because how could she give all of herself in a relationship when a part of her was stuck in the past? When a part of her had never got over what had happened, and the way she had lost Lily. So Holly supposed Emma was right too; she needed to try and sort her own family situation out. She just wasn’t sure how to do that yet.

Regardless, there was no getting away from the fact that her and Jack’s lives were intertwined now, whatever they decided. So she’d have to figure out a way to push her feelings aside, to not do anything stupid. And she would, she told herself firmly. Whatever happened, however much they saw each other over the coming months, she could be a grown-up about the whole thing and keep herself in check. She’d do that, for Emma.

October

Chapter Twenty-eight

Jack stuck his hands in the pockets of his jeans as he walked, wishing he’d brought a better coat. It was October, but there was a bite in the air, a warning of winter just around the corner. It might be one of the last warm-ish days, Jack mused, though he didn’t mind winter, with its cold, bright days and sheets of frost in the morning.

Next to him, Theo had his shoulders hunched as he walked. He was wearing the black and green jumper that he’d bought – or, more accurately, Jack had bought, to promises from Theo that he’d pay him back once he had a job – on the shopping expedition they’d been on in London. Theo had refused to wear a coat as they’d left the house, but Jack had a suspicion the hunched shoulders were less about the chill in the air and more about the enforced family day out – to a National Trust property, no less.

It had been their mum’s idea – Theo and Mia were on half term, so she’d invited Jack down for a Day Out (the capitals weren’t implied; she’d actually written it like that in her text) at Buckland Abbey, a big old estate where someone important had once lived. Derek was working, so it would just be the four of them. Once, Jack would probably have said no to this: he would have dreaded the awkwardness, feeling like he didn’t fit in. But something had changed in the last six months. Maybe it was just that he’d decided to make an effort – and as it turned out, if you made an effort then other people did too. He’d spent so long assuming he didn’t belong with his family anymore, that he had to forge his own path, away from them, and away from where he grew up, but, really, that had been something he’d decided – it had never been forced on him.

The Abbey was impressive – old stone with plants creeping up the sides of it. They’d wandered through the house, his mum pretending to be more interested in the history of it all than Jack knew was really the case, and had passed an old barn where people were making cider with apples from the gardens. Theo and Mia had been all for trying it, but their mum had said no, so that was that. Now, they were out in the gardens, and this was the bit that Jack liked best – probably the reason his mum had invited him in the first place. He loved gardens in autumn – everyone was always on about the beauty of spring and summer, but autumn could hold its own too, with roses coming into their second bloom, apples ripening and falling, and all the golden and red colours as the leaves turned.

‘So,’ Jack asked Theo, ‘how’s the new school?’

‘It’s alright.’ But there was an easiness about the way he said it, with none of the tension Jack had seen when he’d asked Theo about his old school. Derek had mentioned the new school to Jack, and Jack had floated the idea with Theo when he’d come to visit in the summer.

‘Why do you think it might be worse?’ Jack had asked.

‘Well, ok, maybe not worse, but not better, and at least I know how to handle . . . them.’

‘It might be better.’

‘Might not.’