Page 99 of The Christmas Letter

Holly tensed. ‘What do you mean? You said, in Venice—’

‘I know. But I think I was wrong. Or at least, I think that’s wrong now. I think we should try.’

Even though it was what she wanted to hear, Holly didn’t feel ready to hear it yet. ‘I don’t know, Jack.’ And something in her tone made his expression tighten.

‘You don’t even want to try?’

‘That’s not fair.’

‘Isn’t it?’

‘You don’t get it!’ Holly’s voice rose, and she tried to take a soothing breath. ‘You don’t know what it’s like to be the cause of someone’s unhappiness and—’

‘I do get it, Holly!’

‘Yeah, right,’ Holly said scornfully. ‘The only way you can get it, really get it, is if you’ve—’

‘Been through it?’ Jack asked, his eyebrows raised. ‘I don’t actually think that’s true – I think if you have enough empathy, you can get it if you try to. But I did go through it.’ He swallowed. ‘I was the reason Emma crashed, the reason my dad died.’

Holly’s arms dropped to her sides. ‘What? What do you—?’

‘Talking through things with Emma, it’s made me remember things I think I’d purposely forgotten. We were late,’ Jack said, and though his voice was calm, Holly could hear the edge of something simmering there. ‘It was this stupid school concert thing and we were running late, and I was worried and impatient and . . . and honestly I was just young and being a kid.’ He closed his eyes. ‘I was annoying Emma. I was kicking the back of the driver’s seat, the way kids do. I’d been told not to do it, but I didn’t listen. I kept kicking, harder and harder because I was frustrated and trying to, I don’t know, get the car to go faster? And Emma, she was getting frustrated too – obviously, because it was distracting as she was trying to drive. And she turned, snapped at me not to do it, and that’s when the car came the other way. So she wasn’t looking at the road, and she had to swerve, and she hit the tree and . . .’ He blew out a long, slow breath, and finally opened his eyes again, something swimming in the depths of them.

Holly looked at him for a long moment, trying to figure out what to say. ‘Emma never said . . .’

‘I think Emma’s probably blamed herself enough for the both of us. Or maybe she forgot why she swerved, what with everything that happened after. But I remember. I’ve stopped shutting it out now that I’ve seen how not dealing with it robbed me of so much time with Emma. It was part of the reason I didn’t want to see her again, afterwards. At least at first. I was scared that it was all my fault. So it was easier to blame her, like my mum was doing. But it wasn’t her fault. I was just being a coward.’ He moved to the edge of the bed and sat down, staring at his lap. And without really thinking about it, she went to sit down next to him.

‘You were just a kid, Jack. You can’t blame yourself.’ She put her hand on his, offering comfort.

‘I don’t. Not anymore. I know I was young and I know that it wasn’t me kicking the seat that made her crash, that no one is solely responsible. Logically I know all that. Logically, I know an accident is just that, an accident. But at the time, I didn’t. At the time, I was looking for someone else to blame. And then I just held on to that, in a way I really shouldn’t have.’ He flipped his hand over, linked their fingers together. ‘You were the one who made me confront that. And now I’m wondering . . .’ He trailed off, took a breath. ‘Well, maybe I can help you to see it too. That your crash wasn’t your fault, even if your sister blamed you, even if you blamed yourself.’

She tensed, tried to pull her hand away, but he held tight.

‘Maybe that’s the reason we met,’ he murmured, his eyes on her face. ‘So we could help each other to see that.’

‘I don’t believe in stuff like that,’ Holly whispered. ‘I don’t believe in fate.’

‘Really?’ Jack asked, with a hint of a smile. ‘Even after all this?’ He reached for her face and his thumb caressed her cheek, softly. ‘Give me a chance, Holly. Give us a chance. What have you got to lose?’

Everything, she thought.

Holly swallowed a lump in her throat. ‘I can’t, Jack. You were right, before. It’s too complicated, and—’

‘Now’s not the time?’ he asked, with a small, sad smile.

‘Yes. No. I mean, I just don’t think we should go there. I can’t risk . . .’ But it sounded pathetic to finish that sentence out loud, so she didn’t. ‘Besides,’ she said briskly, ‘we don’t even know if it would go anywhere. You barely know me, Jack.’

He dropped his hand away from her face, and her skin registered the lack of warmth.

She bit her lip. ‘I mean, we barely know each other.’

He looked at her for a long moment, and she felt herself flush under his gaze. ‘Ok.’

Her heart jolted. ‘Ok?’

‘Ok, we won’t go there.’

It should be a relief. It was a relief. She was just waiting for her heart to catch up with her on that. ‘Ok. Good.’