Page 98 of The Christmas Letter

Holly heard another hitched breath. She knew that sound – Lily was trying not to cry.

‘Lily, I—’

‘I have to go. Sorry. I do want to talk to you. I do. I know I haven’t . . . Mum said . . .’ Another breath. ‘I just . . . Let’s talk in person, ok? I don’t want to do this over the phone.’

‘Ok.’ God, could she really not say anything else?

‘I’ll see you soon,’ Lily said, her voice firm.

‘I hope so,’ Holly whispered back.

She sat there, staring at her phone after she hung up. Her emotions felt like they were swirling in her stomach, unable to settle on just one. It was only the sound of Jack’s voice again that made her look up. She could hear it clearly through the door, now that she was no longer distracted by her own phone call.

‘Vanessa, I have to go.’ Vanessa. His wife. Ex-wife. ‘Look, you’re just having a moment, don’t worry about . . . Ok. Look, I’ll call you later. Ok. Bye.’

Suddenly aware that she was still naked, Holly sprung up from the bed, finding her discarded bridesmaid dress and slipping back into it, wishing they’d chosen her room over his, so she could have her clothes – and a toothbrush. She’d just managed to get the dress on when Jack came back inside.

‘Hey,’ he said with a smile. ‘You’re up. I didn’t want to wake you.’

Holly nodded, but when he stepped towards her, she stepped back.

His eyes turned a little wary. ‘What is it?’

‘Nothing.’ She pulled a hand through her hair – the plait having come undone last night, now back to its usual tangled form. ‘Who were you on the phone to just now?’

He hesitated. ‘What did you hear?’

‘Nothing,’ she said again. Then she rolled her shoulders. She was an adult, for Christ’s sake – she could have the conversation. ‘I heard you say “Vanessa”, that’s all.’

He nodded slowly.

‘So you called her?’ Holly pressed. ‘Vanessa?’ There was something so wrong with that – calling his ex-wife after sleeping with her.

‘No! No, of course not. She called me.’

‘Oh.’

‘She was upset, needed someone to talk to.’

‘Oh,’ Holly said again.

‘Look, Holly, I promise it was nothing. She’s just going through a rough patch with this guy she’s seeing and she was upset and she called me because it’s what we always used to do, way before we were even together. We were friends first, and I think she’s trying to get back to that.’

‘Does she want to get back together with you?’

‘No,’ he said. ‘I told you, it wasn’t right. I promise you, Holly,’ he said, his voice firm, gaze direct on hers. ‘There is no chance of Vanessa and me getting back together, none whatsoever.’

Holly nodded slowly, allowing that to settle. She felt strangely vulnerable, there in the corner of his room in her clothes from the night before, while he looked fresh-faced, dressed in smart black jeans and a dark-blue shirt. She angled her body away, opened up the blinds for something to do, letting in cool sunlight. What time was it, even? She had to be at the wedding breakfast at eleven.

‘Holly? Did you hear me? Please look at me.’

She turned, her back to the green wall of the hotel room. She knew, logically, that it made sense. But she could feel a protective barrier coming up around her heart – because she also knew that she couldn’t get hurt again. Maybe Abi was right – maybe it had started with Lily, the fact that the person she’d always assumed would always be there had turned away from her so completely, leaving her broken. Regardless, she didn’t want to go through it again. She didn’t want to get close to someone, only to have them leave her again. And she didn’t want to fall for someone so completely that she wouldn’t be able to put herself back together, when they left.

And Jack . . . It was worse with Jack. Because there was Emma to think about too. If she went there, with Jack, and then Emma died, what happened then? What if Jack couldn’t be around her, because she was a reminder of what he’d lost? Hadn’t Lily said as much, on the phone?

‘I suppose it doesn’t matter,’ Holly said, keeping her voice careful. ‘It was just last night, right? That’s what you said.’

Jack made a face, then stepped closer to her. ‘I don’t want it to be just last night.’