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The person that meant the most to me was my father and mother. I had to stay away from them too. Half the time when they said shit that voice fucked with me the hard way and would say crazy shit about the two main people that I never wanted to hurt.

The scene played out live in front of me watching multiple men violate Blades wife in front of him. He cried and begged for it to stop as tears flooded my eyes. I watch the young me become so excited, cloaked in nothing but evilness. I started slapping myself in the face and searching for something to knock me back into reality, but I found nothing. Debo voice started driving me insane as the tears start running down my face like a broken fountain. I wanted out but there seemed to be no escape.

“Stop running from who the fuck you are! It ain’t enough legal franchises you can make or buy to stop what the fucking program is nigga! You starting to let niggas walk all over yo’ punk ass and it’s making me look weak! Planning all this dumb shit and worried bout restaurants when we belong in the fucking streets!” Debo yanked me up and I fell limp and motionless in his strong arms the worse feeling was feeling like I couldn’t fight myself back.

“When niggas disrespect! This is what the fuck happens.” He forced me to watch the young me pick up the gun and aim it at Blades wife head. Without a second thought he cocked the gun and made her head explode as Blade screamed out loud in agony. Young Debo yelled for them to bring Blade’s mom in, and I somehow found my strength to start fighting back. Until I saw Praylah on the side of me pulling me away from Debo. In a strange way, Debo had a look of remorse in his eyes. He turned me lose and when he did the blood from the carpet and the smell of dead bodies disappeared. The whole scene vanished, and everything turned dark.

I stood breathing hard with Praylah eyeing me suspiciously. I couldn’t really look her in the eyes because I felt and knew for a fact that I looked insane to her. I was standing in my boxers, my white beater ripped up and tore. She rubbed my arm and when I finally looked at her, I noticed the phone glued in her hands with the number nine-one-one dialed, but she hadn’t sent the call.

“Matthew, you have to take your medicine love.” Sweat was evident on her pretty chubby face. She looked pale like she saw a ghost.

“You ruined your room and started throwing things in here.” I looked around my living room and felt like a maniac. My glass table was shattered a couple pictures knocked off the wall. I didn’t even want to see the damage that I had caused in my actual room. Clearing my throat and still trying to catch my breath. Praylah grabbed my hand and led me down the hallway in nothing but her panties and baby tee. I watched her thighs shake with each step she took causing her booty to move.

We got down the hallway and I stopped her midway to pull her in for a hug and kiss. I still was feeling misplaced and lost but I needed to feel her and love on her in order to bring myself some sort of sanity in this moment. The only fuckin medicine you need. I dug my hands in her kinky hair and kissed her deeper before pulling away leaving her panting hard.

“Don’t ever call the police when I have one of those kinds of attacks. Just let a nigga be.” I looked down at her short frame as she shook her head.

“Matthew…you umm… were really hurting yourself, I didn’t know what to do. You were pleading and begging to be let free. You kept screaming and it hurt me to see you crying and helpless.” I touched my face, and the proof was there. My entire face was drenched, and my eyes felt heavy like I had been crying. Images of what I just experienced kept flashing all around us as I kept blinking hard and begging myself to let it go away. I desperately needed to go get a hold of my medicine, I feared scaring Praylah away. Ignoring what she just said to me, I wiped my face and continued down the hallway towards my bedroom to get my medicine and roll me up some weed.

“What time is it?” I asked looking back at her, it should have been a crime how thick and sexy Praylah was. It was hard to just look in her eyes when she had full perky big breast and big thighs and ass to match. You could literally look at her from the front and tell that she was toting some heavy ass shit behind her.

“It’s seven o’ clock, I’m already running late for the party.” She fake pouted, then today came running back across my memory. Today was Honor’s birthday, I wired her some money and had Johny Boy, our jeweler, send her some fly ass pieces to her house this morning. Honor started hanging with Praylah and her girls tougher when she wasn’t caught up in the streets. She even became tight with Soulful’s gay brother or homie Roberto. I wasn’t up for making and hanging with a bunch of females, so I let her do her thing.

Tonight, she was supposed to have a big ass party at Ream’s strip club. I thought about surprising her and just saying fuck it and go. Since my brain was super fried right now, I thought against it. I didn’t need to go out and end up flipping the fuck out on people because somebody said or did the wrong shit.

“How you running late when that shit don’t start until ten?” I looked at her walk off towards my bathroom and had to thank God that I had her here with me. Praylah and I had started growing closer the past couple of weeks. She thought I needed space and would try to give me that during her work weeks and I tried to respect that shit. It was hard because when she wasn’t here with me, I found myself staying glued on the phone with her, listening to her every move, including her cooking, and interacting with Heaven.

I thought about the episode I just had and knew it set me back from meeting and spending time with Heaven. Praylah moved around my room with ease, she was very familiar with my house. She got me a cold bottle of water and walked back up to me with three pills in the palm of her hand. With her, I didn’t feel like she was judging me, she was actually showing eagerness to help.

“This shit really gone have you making me wait to meet Heaven huh?” I put all three pills in my mouth and chased them down with water. Praylah didn’t like when I chewed the pills, so I took them the right way instead of doing them how I normally did.

“Well, that was scary. Heaven never sees me act like that and I don’t want her thinking That I’m putting her in another abusive situation. She is still young and moldable. I can make her forget about all the times Jarei put his hands on me in front of her because she is still young.” My jaw clenched as my anger flared at the mention of that nigga. That’s why I have to remind you who the fuck you are!!! You should have killed him when you had the chance! All he’s going to do now is show you how much of a pussy you are! I shook my head like I was trying to shake that voice right out of my head.

“Matthew.” I looked up at Praylah and hated the way she was now looking at me. She looked like she was nervous and fearful to be around me right now.

“I don’t mean it in a bad way, I just think you we should continue to take things slow with us before we involve Heaven into this.” I solemnly nodded my head. Taking a seat on my side of the bed, I started thinking about how on edge I was again. This shit was frustrating as fuck.

I hated being off all this medication just to try to control the voices and hallucinations that happened every now and then. Though I trained myself to stop caring how the fuck people viewed me, I got tired of seeming so crazy and not being able to get a good enough control over it. I didn’t even know why I was so caught up on Praylah, but that shit was starting to blow me to. Probably because I got tired of having that fear of losing her when I haven’t even known her for the past six months. My heart beats differently when it comes to her and that was a red flag to me.

Her having that kind of control meant she would have me stepping out of character in the worse way. I didn’t want to be anyone’s burden, not even my parents. I didn’t want people feeling like they needed to keep an eye on me because I was grown and could hold my own.

I yawned hard and felt a wave of sleepiness.

“I understand sugar mommy, I respect you for that too. I ain’t stable enough to be around baby girl. When I do get to meet and be around her, I want her to view me as a hero. I feel and know that I gotta get better control over the shit I’m going through with my mental. Praylah, you gotta know this shit so hard baby. Shit is starting to break a nigga. The things….” I paused feeling my throat burn and that voice rage again. (Don’t you dare say shit about our business! Pussy ass gone chase her away. She a green bitch! Keep it that way!)

Blinking my eyes hard, I felt myself ready to spazz out on myself.

“FUCK!!!! Shut the fuck up!!!” I used my fist to hit the center of my forehead! “Just shut the fuck up and let me talk got dammit!” I grabbed each side of my face and leaned down on my knees not even bothering to look at Pray. Like a magnet she slowly walked up to me and talked soothingly as she massaged my shoulders. I felt tired, like really fucking sleepy.

“I’ve done some evil thing that I’m not proud of Praylah. So, you see, I blame myself for ever letting something that’s not real but just a voice control me.”

“Nigga I’m real as fuck, and you betta be glad my bitch standing here. I know all your fucking fears nigga!” I looked around past Praylah and jumped at the sight of Debo standing behind Praylah with those red glowing eyes looking like he was ready to kill. He balled his fist tight, and blood started seeping out of his knuckles. That fear clutched onto me like a vice grip as I leaned away from Pray and talked directly to Debo.

“You ain’t fucking real!” I stood pushing her to the side.

“That bitch Ms. Scott got you thinking that shit! That’s why you should have killed her in that last session like I told you pussy boy!” He chuckled making my ear drums hurt.

“I do what the fuck I want!” I hit my chest as Praylah stepped back in front of me.