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Matthew was only allowed to call out twice a week. When he talked to me, he admitted to wanting to just say fuck the treatment center and thug things out. I kept convincing him that it was worth staying and that he should stay to better understand himself which would make him huff and puff then say he had to go.

That broke my heart to hear him sound so stressed and lonely in there. That in itself held me back from telling him that I was pregnant. I knew that if I told him while he was in there that he would leave before his time was up. Tonight, when I got with my girls, I wanted to go over planning his coming home party.

I had overcome so many things within the few months of being away from Matthew. With my parent's support and going to therapy, I no longer felt weighed down with the reality of killing Jarei and his pregnant baby mother. I prayed on hands and knees every night repenting to God for what had took place. I also learned how-to do-little things, like appreciating myself more.

I was loving myself and it was making me a better mother to my daughter. I felt proud of me, that was something that was foreign and new, but I loved it and the feeling that it had given me. Some days were harder than others, I would feel my depression kicking in and go from being happy to sad. I would push myself out of it and remember the exercises that was taught to me. I would literally redirect my thinking. I wouldn’t take my medicine most days, because I didn’t want to fully depend on medication to control my mood.

Ms. Scott told me that was good that I didn’t depend on medication every day because most days it wasn’t as severe. I was too proud and pumped with myself and all the progress that I had made.

I made it home and frowned at the Benz truck that was sitting in my parent’s driveway. My parents hardly had company and if they did I usually would know the cars, which belonged to my aunts and uncles. Getting out the car the sun smacked me right in the face. I already had my keys out ready to enter the parent’s house.

Soon as I walked in, I stood frozen in place as Jarei jr and Heaven ran up to me fast, shouting my name. I looked at the sofa and eyed Nyla down, trying to see her mood.

“I came over here because your number was out of service.” She stood to her feet and came to hug me. I was stiff as hell and I could only think about how much hell Nyla put me through. I noticed a big diamond ring on her ring finger and didn’t know what to make of it.

“Hi baby momma number two, its good to see you.” She laughed nervously and offered me a church hug. I cringed at the name she called me, I didn’t really like any reminders of Jarei. The only good reminder that I had of him was our daughter.

“Hey Nyla, what brings you by here.” I cleared my throat and tried to correct myself. “I’m uhhh sorry to hear about you know who.” I didn’t want to say his name with Jr. still holding my leg.

“Up up, mommy.” His little cute baby voice softened my heart. I kneeled down and scooped him in my arms. Seconds later, Heaven start pulling at my leg and whining to be picked up too. I end up having both toddlers on each hip as I went to the couch to sit down with them. It surprised me after all these months, that baby Jr. still referred to me as mommy.

“Girl, I don’t give a damn about that nigga. I’m happy he’s out of my hairs.” She smacked her lips. Nyla looked like money, from the diamond ring, to the high end designer that hugged her body. I looked at her thighs and saw how they didn’t match all the butt she was carrying behind her. She found her a baller that was lacing her and paid for a BBL including the new breast that sat up a little too perky.

“I just came by to get your new number, just so we can stay in touch from time to time. I’m getting married and moving to the ATL. Our kids are siblings and I think that it would be nice to keep them connected. Also…” She stopped talking once my mom walked in. My mom gave Nyla a look like they had already had a conversation before I arrived.

“I want to tell you how sorry I am. I hate how I started out with you, being jealous and hateful because of a man we both loved. I had my selfish reasons, and with growth I see that I went about shit totally wrong with you. My son loves you, you never treated him mean because of me. It takes a strong and good woman to render that over. That’s why I don’t even get mad when my baby calls you mommy.” Her voice started to crack.

“At one point you were more of a mother to him then me. I was still growing, stuck being a immature bitter woman. Blaming everyone but the person that didn’t want to take accountability for putting us both in the position that we were in.” I nodded my head just as both kids crawled off of me. Heaven pointed at her big Lego blocks and her brother followed her. They always played so good together and got alone perfectly.

“I accept your apology, Nyla and I would love to keep in contact with you.” I smiled and released the breath that I had been holding since she started talking. We watched the kids play and made small talk about things in general. My mom offered the kids snacks and Nylah and Jr left.

“I’m so proud of you, Praylah. Your dad and I have been praying hard for your sanity and strength baby.” My mom took a seat on the toilet top as I sat on the edge of the tub watching Heaven splash and play in her bubbles. She had about six Barbie dolls, including the Barbie car and other trinkets. My baby loved having lots of toys for her bath time.

I looked up at my mom, who I looked exactly like, minus the birthmark that was plastered on my cheek. My mom also had lots of gray hair, instead of her hair being super kinky like mine. Her hair was long stopping mid back and thin. My mom hair had always been thin. I got my thick kinky hair from my father. My mom never knew how to do hair when I was coming up as a child. She’d greased my scalp well and she would add some moisturizer or conditioner. My mom's favorite style for me was adding a ribbon with a flower on my right side above my ear.

Growing up I was teased about my natural red dirty thick looking hair. It built lots of character in me though. My father wanted my mom to put a perm in my hair or press it but my mom always preached that it was bad for my hair. It was always a little easier for me to talk and confide in my mother more than my father.

I cast my eyes down for a couple of seconds too long and looked back up my mother. I know that I wanted to wait to tell Matthew first but I needed to tell my mom. I wanted to get the disappointment over with. I already knew that she would be against this pregnancy.

“I want you to continue to be proud of me, momma.” Heaven made her dolls collide underwater and a bunch of water splashed onto my thigh.

I had that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, out of fear for what my mom might think.

“I will continue to be proud of you baby, you fought through so much. I’m happy you met a nice man; his family is nice as well. You finally have been getting the help that you truly need. I can even see the new glow on you too.” My mom smiled.

“I’m glowing because I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant with Matthew’s baby.” My mom sat silent for a while. The only thing that could be heard was Heaven splashing and singing in the tub.

“I kind of sensed it, why do you look so sad, baby?” My mom stood and made her way to me. She rubbed my back and I relaxed my shoulders.

“Just worried about what you would say. I didn’t want to tell you guys until I told Matthew. I was just trying to get it out of the way.” I honestly told her as I stole a quick glance at my baby girl. She was so damn pretty, she had the perfect mixture of me and Jarei. She had my puffy cheeks and nose, her dad slanted eyes and mouth. Heaven had a pretty smooth tan complexion.

“Remember, no more hiding and lying. Especially when you don’t feel like yourself. We might not agree as parents with all of your decisions, but that don’t mean we will ever turn our backs on you.” My mom patted my shoulder then pecked me on the forehead.

“Get her Jammies on and bring her to my room, go have some fun tonight and be safe.” My mom reassured me then walked out of the bathroom. I felt so foolish for hiding so much over the years from my parents. Growing up, they were strict and helped me a lot. They were always opened to listening and getting me help whenever I needed it.

Sometimes, you get so focused on making your parents proud that you fear making them disappointed. I was learning that you live and learn, bump your head and make mistakes along the way. The night that I killed Jarei, I feared that if my parents found out, that they may never talk to me again. They did the total opposite and embraced me even more after that night. They didn’t bring it up or make me feel bad. We didn’t talk about it or mention it after it happened.

I also thought that it would be hell, coming back here to live with them. That wasn’t the case either. It made me realize how much of a fool I was to believe Jarei, even after all the red flags he displayed to me. I got pregnant and left home, because I was listening to a selfish ass nigga.