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“You damn right I ain’t.” I couldn’t help but to become silent and really stare at Soulful. He deserved to be happy just like I did. I was glad we found one another and came into each other’s life at the right time.

“It’s no more second guessing. All of this feels right, it was supposed to happen. You and me, our baby. The way our family blends naturally. I’m happy baby.” I wiped at the tears that were now falling down my face.

“I have my dream job, singing my heart out to thousands of people. You love playing football and your good at it. Now your even volunteering to help people from your old community which is a beautiful thing. Your such a deep and passionate person, we match each other’s energy. The vibe check been passed since the first time that our eyes connected with one another. We getting married and having more kids and keeping this bond strong, through communication and understanding. Shit won’t be toxic nor damaging because we soul mates and this was meant to be.” Soulful grabbed my hand and kissed it, looking me deep in the eyes like only he could do.

His eyes always said what his mouth didn’t. Then sometimes his mouth said things that were so poetic and deep. I feel like sometimes in life we got to go through shit, experience good and bad to prepare us for things we never imagined. Soulful was the kind of man, I dreamed about having. Making me feel appreciated and beautiful, even on the days when I wasn’t so sure of myself. He gave me that reassurance and he never was afraid to express how he felt. Soulful was just a different breed. Imagine having a protector, lover and friend with a lot of hood in him. Straight thug passion.

“This shit forever Era. Believe and know it Chocolate Barbie.”

Chapter Forty-Four

JOCELYN

My house was live and active, I felt like superwoman. The pure cocaine pumping through my veins had me ready to test the theory to see if I could fly off this balcony and land on the heels of my feet. Not liking the crazy thoughts that I was having, I ignored the loud music and all of the noise coming from down stairs. I had lost count of how many people were currently in my house after my homegirl told me she posted it on Instagram that we were celebrating my new makeup line.

Taking a seat on the balcony, I picked up my cup full of Patron and took a big gulp. I eyed my pack of cigarettes and had the urge to taste some nicotine since the drip from my nose down to my throat was slowing fading away from all the cocaine I had snorted. Cocaine was a beautiful drug. I didn’t give a damn what anyone had to say about.

In my eyes, poor folks didn’t know shit about cocaine, they only looked down on others using it because they didn’t have the connections to get to it nor the money, or the mind control to handle it. I hated when people called cocaine, crack. I’d never smoke a crack rock but I’d sniff a line. This shit reminded me so much of my brother Hitman. We both would sniff lines when he would make it back to the projects after robbing and killing whoever he had to, to make money for our households.

I had been sniffing since I was about thirteen years old, it was the only thing that felt right in my life besides Soulful. I kept it from him because I did love him and cared about what he thought of me. I also loved how Soulful viewed me. He always looked at me like I was pure and the only woman for him since we were in high school. It was a lot of shit I hid from him. It’s like I had two fucking lives.

Living in the projects wasn’t easy, and my momma taught me everything that I know. Since the age of fifteen, I started sleeping with ballers and niggas that had money, from my hood. My momma stopped working soon as I had become mature enough to know what all sex was about. I remember her telling me how men thought and how to get and keep a man.

It was all about looking innocent, acting innocent and stroking their egos. I did that and it worked. With me and my gift of gab and manipulation and my brother being able to rob and get money the fast way. We were taking care of my mom as well as ourselves at a young age. I’d walk home from school, looking pretty and innocent and knew a hood balling nigga would take the bait and lace me with whatever cash they had including nice gifts. Back then it was so easy because I was so young, it might sound sick as hell but niggas loved a young innocent looking chick, especially the older niggas in their thirties.

I’ve grown accustomed to the shit, didn’t matter if a nigga was ugly or cute. Soon as I got tired of them, I’d send my brother Hitman to rob them and we’d both eat good off of it. With Soulful though, things were different. I saw his handsome features when all of the bitches at school teased him about his weight. Soulful looked like a bum, with bad ass acne when we were kids. I knew he was hustling because him and Hitman ran in the same crowd on the streets.

Soulful was infatuated with me, I didn’t even want to act on it or make advances towards him because I felt like he was a good ass nigga. He wasn’t thirsty, he stayed to himself and was just handsome. I felt bad for him too, his mom was a straight smoker, never home and he did what he had to do to feed those bad ass sisters of his.

I always knew that in the back of my mind, Soulful would one day be something big. I also always fantasized since a young teen about having a husband, a nigga to take care of me and love me besides all the fucked up things I was out here doing. I was surprised that Soulful even liked me how he did, when he asked me if I was a virgin, it shocked me even more because I thought he had heard all about me around the projects.

I went along with his theory. I let him think he was taking my virginity and my good girl act just kept going. I aborted so many babies by Soulful that I couldn’t keep count on what the count was. I only kept Dmack baby because I was scared of all the wear and tear that I had done on my body by getting so many abortions and taking plan b’s.

When I went to my doctor, she took one look at my medical file and turned me away. She told me to look into adoption, I thought about it but scratched that idea fast. I was going to play things off, have sex with Soulful, put the baby off on him and his sisters. Then I thought that it wasn’t such a smart idea so I tried to kill my baby by drinking and snorting lines of cocaine.

I remember when Hitman came to me with a play on Soulful, and I was so nervous about it. He said that the people he worked for sister by the name of Clapback was planning on robbing him. It was on my birthday at that. At first I didn’t want to do it but then it made me curious. Soulful at the time had switched his whole shit up. I had heard all about him running with that queen pin bitch by the name of Sovereign. Soulful start dressing fresh, that nappy afro that he rocked was cut down into a nice fade with waves. He even started rocking name brand clothes and fresh shoes.

That night, he treated me out to dinner for my birthday and I was planning on giving him my virginity. The greed in me got the best of me and I started reporting Soulful’s every move to Hitman who in return was giving that same information to Clapback. The robbery went bad and I was glad that I was the third party involved. I saw his house go up and flames and it happened to be the same night he caught his crack head momma out sucking dick in the park for a rock. I remember when he called himself cutting me off and I knew that he would be right back. It gave me time anyway to get myself and the guilt of everything that happened that night out of my system.

Chapter Forty-Five

SOULFUL HURTZ

The night of the robbery

I couldn’t focus on school or Jocelyn; I was here to grind hard and provide for my sisters. I couldn’t be wishing on a fucking star trying to pray for my momma to get clean, when she constantly made stupid ass decisions like the choice she made tonight. Once I got Passion and my mom in the car, I stopped by a pay phone to call Jocelyn. I needed her to bring Luv on the next block so I could take her to the address that Big B provided. I didn’t want to take the chances of hitting the projects and running into the police when I still didn’t have a drivers license.

“You, okay?” Jocelyn asked me as she tried to search my eyes. I struggled with looking into her beautiful eyes because I knew that I was about to hurt her. It was never my intentions to do so though.

“Yea, I’m straight. Thanks for looking out for Luv.” I looked back at the car and could still see my mom knocked out. Passion had a haunted look in her eyes that pained my soul.

“I still can come with you; my mom is gone with her boo for the weekend.” She smiled and placed her hand on my arm. It amazed me how calm she was after she heard and saw what went on back at my house. Then again if you lived in the projects, you became immune to certain shit. Like niggas robbing you and watching a few bodies drop around you. Jocelyn’s brother was a hitta so she knew how shit went.

“Nah, but listened Jah, you free to move on. I got some heavy shit I’m dealing with and you probably ain’t gone see a nigga for a while.” She shook her head no and I let out a breath that I had been holding. Licking my dry lips, all I could see was the bodies I dropped tonight. Just like that, I forgot all about the good time I had with Jocelyn. I forgot about how she calmed me and felt good to my soul.

“Let me be there for you Soulful, please?” I wanted to say yes but I couldn’t put that type of burden on her. I stepped back, preparing to turn away from her. I had been standing here to long and my mom needed medical attention. I didn’t know what tomorrow would be like or how things would be with Queen and I since Clapback was now on her deathbed. Although I had every right to shoot her sister, that was still her flesh and blood. I knew the great measures that I would take for my little sisters right or wrong. I could only hope that I still had a chance to be on Queen’s team.

“I got to go Jah.” I turned to walk away, and she grabbed my hand, pulling me to her she grabbed a hold of my shirt and tried to pull me closer to her. She stood on her tippy toes struggling to reach my lips. I finally gave in and moved down to her lips and kissed her passionately before releasing her. She had tears welled up in her eyes and I had tears pouring from my soul. I often wondered why my life was so fucked up. Every time shit looked up to a nigga some bad shit had to happen that would pull me back down into that deep depression that I had to fight with just to stay sane for my sisters that fully depended on me.