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Glancing down at the sheets of paper detailing some of the most difficult parts of Nope’s life, I feel a pang of guilt. This is going to hurt her. I’m fueled by hate, anger, and a sense of hopelessness that I can’t seem to extinguish no matter how hard I try.

I’m having dreams that swing between chasing Nope through the woods until I catch and fuck her into the ground, and others where my father kills my mother and I. It’s fucked up that I both sympathize, desperately want Noor, and want to hurt her.

I came across a phrase the other day that said that “hurt people hurt people,” and I have to heavily agree. I can’t stop though.

The lights in the halls turn red, signaling that the class period is over. Last week, the principal announced he was going to try a different way of dismissing students. We have several hearing impaired students and he wants to be able to be more inclusive. The light will flash twice at the two minute mark before the next class begins, and then thirty seconds before.

I have to admit it’s less jarring and I can appreciate the change. The lights are installed in all the major hallways, and went up after his announcement. It would seem altruistic if I didn’t also know Alastair’s father did the work for the school.

Swallowing hard, I watch as students fill the hallways, and the tendrils of conversation begin to reach me. We have several big games between the different rivalries at school, and our hockey game tomorrow in another town. Somehow, I don’t think anyone will be talking about that in the next few seconds.

Three…two…one.

I throw the sheath of papers filled with the darkness of nightmare over the heads of my fellow students before stepping back into the shadows. They’ll see the outline of a person, but not my face.

Kate from the track and field team glances up as the flyers float down, and her hand snatches one of them from the air. More hands pop up to grab sheets, and then people’s heads drop down to read.

“Damn.”

Voices flood the hallway as people begin to chatter, and then Alexa’s voice begins to chant, “Orphan Killer!”

The words are repeated over and over, and people begin to search for Noor who is walking through the hallway confused. I suppose what’s being chanted doesn’t make sense, but it doesn’t much matter when it’s so catchy.

Bending down, she picks up a piece of paper to read, her lips moving silently.

“Noo,” I see her lips say. She’s too far away for me to hear the whisper she allows to escape, and she looks around wildly as she sees that everyone is reading her most private thoughts.

“Damn, Moo!” Kelsie says loudly, beginning to read the worst parts of the prepared document loudly. “What the fuck is dissociative depression disorder. Do you think you’re different people and shit?”

Her new therapist is working on a new diagnosis, so I ran with her notes. Something tells me that Dr. Dowdall is going to be fired soon after this. I’m not sure what to make of her diagnostic notes, but it seems like a very complicated way of saying that Nope has some serious mental health issues.

I don’t blame the girl either with all the shit she’s had happen to her.

“Daddy was as crazy as you are, huh, Noor?” Eamon yells. “So you’re not just sad, you’re a mistake!”

I wince at his words. He’s our assistant captain for a reason. He’s ruthless, and his words change the chant to “mistake” instead.

Nope fights through the hallways to escape the yells and curious glances, and instead of feeling a surge of dopamine from this, I feel like shit instead.

Well, Mrs. Denton will have her hands more than full with Noor’s crash out today. She may not even come into work for a while. A mother who is in crisis mode doesn’t have time for things like bothering the board about accommodations and accountability.

She certainly doesn’t have time to look too closely at the finances of the school.

I know the logistics of Noor’s situation with her foster family, but Rachelle Denton is as fierce as any mother when it comes to her foster daughter. Noor won the lottery with the Dentons, and I’m very jealous. For all the trauma, the people who have failed her and the foster families who have hurt her, Noor still has a lot to live for.

“She acts so innocent, but who fucks grown men at the age of fourteen?” someone yells.

Yeah, this isn’t one of my proudest moments. My annotations include ages and explicit references to sexual acts. I know Noor was raped and she didn’t want any of what happened to her. I didn’t include any of the beatings or broken bones she received while she was in the care of others, but I have those all saved on a virtual drive. If anyone checked my devices, I would be presumed innocent of any wrongdoings.

But my soul is tainted after all the evil I’ve read about Noor’s life and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same.

I’d love to say that means I’m done with her, but this is just the beginning. The rumors will spread like wildfire now, and by the end of the day, what people hear will be even worse than what I printed on the flyers. It’s the way of human nature and high school students.

NOOR

I’m curled up in a very small classroom no one seems to be using, mindlessly staring out the window as memories crash over me. I dropped my backpack by my locker as I ran earlier, which is also where my cell phone is. I’m cut off from the world, which is exactly what I want.

Since Principal Keer installed the light system for changing classes, the marking of time feels different. There’s not a piercing ring of sound to tell me what class period it is, and the clock is broken in this room.