Page 128 of Unapologetic Love Story

‘You! Oh, yeah. Get this. A producer wants me to be in one of their shows. Isn’t that nice? It’s a show that gets a bunch of neurodivergent people, like me, together and films them going on dates with neurotypical people. It has an insulting title. They’ll play infantilizing music whenever people like me are speaking. They’ll encourage their neurotypical viewers to laugh at us, like we’re strange little pets. People will praise grown women for having “golden retriever energy”, whatever the fuck that means. It’s dehumanizing. It’s voyeuristic. It’s patronizing. So, no apologies to you, Madam Producer, this is my answer: no. Never. And if you think I will ever use my audience, my incredible followers, to boost a television show that makes fun of them, you are very mistaken.’

Her body relaxed like a sigh as she said the words.

‘How am I supposed to go back to life before you? I used to breathe oxygen, now it’s just you. In and out of my lungs every single day.’

‘Even if I didn’t think your show was a modern freakshow designed to humiliate and bait goodhearted people, I couldn’t do it. I’m in love with someone. Someone really infuriating but really fucking great. God, he’s infuriating. Like, I’ve never met anyone who needs more of a reality check, and at the same time, he’s so fucking beautiful and I wouldn’t change his stupid, stubborn soul for anything. And I’m not sorry. You need a fucking ramp, guys. How can you give me this award and expect me to stand here and not think that’s ridiculous?’

A bellow of agreement suddenly sounded from above. Raina looked up to the balcony. When she realized what she was seeing, she clapped a hand across her mouth.

The entire front row of the upper level of the hall was full of people she knew. People she’d interviewed on her channel. Subscribers she knew well. Her parents. The latter were the more reserved by far, but the rest were waving signs and hollering with such raucous joy, it was like they’d won, too.

‘Oh, my God,’ choked out Raina.

She searched for one face in particular. The person whose deep and loving words had become a balm.

But he wasn’t there.

‘Again, not sorry,’ she said into the microphone. She pointed to the balcony. ‘It’s just, I know all of those people.’

They cheered even louder.

She held the award up, so it caught the light. ‘So, thank you for this. It’s awesome. It’s going to look nice on my shelf. But my real reward is out there. Watching at home. Sitting in the stalls. And up in that balcony. Thank you to all of you. You know who you are.’

She turned to go, as applause filled the auditorium. Then . . .

‘And, Mondays, you should really have a ramp there next year. Cool. Stay uninspiring! And unapologetic! Peace!’

The rest of the ceremony was feverish. Strangers grabbing Raina to congratulate her, people thrusting business cards into her face. Pepper steered them all out onto the Southbank, and Raina let the river air settle her. Solana had found their parents. Their father in his suit, which was a little too big since he’d started morning walks. Their mother all in white with her hair professionally blow-dried.

‘Well done, darling,’ her dad said blusteringly, patting her on the arm. The closest thing he could muster to a hug.

‘Thank you,’ Raina said. ‘Thank you for coming. I didn’t know you were going to. I would have got you sitting with us.’

‘Thought it would be a nice surprise,’ her dad replied.

‘It was.’

‘Lots of enthusiastic fans around us,’ Meggie said with an uneven laugh. ‘Some very . . . interesting characters.’

‘Yeah, that was a nice surprise, too,’ Raina agreed.

She watched her mother as she fidgeted and glanced around at the crowds spilling out along the riverbank. They all stood together. Awkwardly.

‘Your dress is a little too flamboyant, I thought,’ Meggie finally said.

Pepper made an almost inaudible hissing sound and Solana exhaled. Raina’s father glanced nervously between wife and daughter, as he’d done for almost thirty years. Raina smiled tightly.

‘You could just say “well done”, Mum,’ she said gently. ‘Or something to that effect. That would be a nice thing to do.’

Meggie’s face opened up in surprise, as if such a thing had never occurred to her. ‘Oh. Well . . . all right.’

‘Shall we take a picture?’ Pepper asked loudly, cutting through the rawness.

‘Yes,’ Raina said brightly. ‘Let’s.’

She posed happily with her parents and sister, holding up the award and beaming into the camera lens, wanting it to be a good memory. She felt not only free of the mask, but free of so many doubts and denials she’d been dragging around with her for years.

‘That’s lovely,’ remarked Pepper, swiping through the pictures she’d taken of them all. ‘I’ll email you all.’