Page 132 of Unapologetic Love Story

I love you. Every molecule.

I’ve experienced a small, invisible death since you left me. The world keeps orbiting the sun, everyone carries on with their lives and I’ve fallen apart. I’m supposed to act as if life can just go back to normal without you. How can I see couples on the street or on the train and not recall how wasteful I’ve been?

I wish the whole world was made up of the atoms of you. I wish you were in the air. Then I could at least breathe you in.

Then maybe I’d have a chance of being as good as you. I want to be. You’ve taught me that cynicism is lazy. That revenge is useless. That love is transformative. That kindness is different to politeness, and that its power can make people see the world in colour again. As you did for me, at the side of a marathon. Or on a South London street. Or, sometimes, in a podcast.

I thought I’d lost the parts of me that could appreciate wonder. I thought they were buried in the ground, back in Scotland. But they’re not. You returned them to me. You reminded me of how that song goes. Now I can sing it again.

You love the bridges of London. You have been the bridge that brought me back to life, Raina. I’ve taken to walking at night. I walk as far as the bridge near your house. I go every night and think of you. And I will never stop loving you.

I have so much to be apologetic about, but I will never apologize for loving you. And you don’t need to love me. I just need you to be everything you can be. And I’ll be some guy, watching you take over the world. Heartbroken. But lucky. Lucky because I got to catch some of the rays of light that come off you.

As long as I’m alive, I will never stop loving you, Raina. It’s in my fucking bones. Archaeologists will be able to see you etched in me.

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

Raina laid Marc’s phone down on the kitchen island with a very tremulous hand. She busied her shaking fingers by pushing her hair away from her shoulders, and she took some shallow breaths.

‘Well,’ she finally said. ‘That’s very different to his usual stuff.’

The entire room had read the article alongside her. Solana was turning away to hide the fact that she was crying. Pepper was staring into the abyss. Deedee and Anita were both fighting back emotion. Matt was unreadable and Marc was looking at Solana with concern.

‘I suppose if—’

‘What the hell are you still doing here?’ Solana interrupted Raina with an outraged screech. ‘Go and find him! Right now!’

‘I second that,’ croaked Anita, and Deedee nodded. ‘You have a guy bringing your family and audience to your award show, buying you amazing shoes and writing a public declaration of love, and I can’t even get a voice note back.’

‘It’s late,’ Matt said softly.

‘Shut up, Matt! Who asked you?’ barked Solana, before turning to stare at Raina. ‘Rai. Come on.’

Raina pressed a hand to her stomach, remembering that she was still fully laced into a poufy, beautiful dress. ‘I . . . I don’t—’

‘That was brave of him,’ Pepper said, her usually brash voice joining the conversation with a gentle sort of wisdom. Her expression far away. ‘I’d go and find him, Rai. Having the one that got away is hard enough. Having the one you pushed away is even worse. Believe me.’

Solana squeezed the heiress’s shoulder, but her gaze was steady and fixed upon her sister. Raina stared back, all of the conflicting emotions whirring around her in a strange orbit.

Raina pictured his face and wanted to cry. She remembered the belly laughs they’d shared in the crab shack. The feel of his arms around her on the riverboat. Smudging her lipstick on her kitchen island. The ghosts of that evening were with her in the room now. The echo of a passionate turning in the road.

Knowing that the joy she’d experienced at seeing her community up on that balcony was because of him.

She hitched up the skirts of her dress and ran for the door.

‘Fucking yes!’ cried Solana. ‘Wait! Do you want me to drive you?’

‘Yes, please,’ Raina called back, changing from the beautiful pink satin shoes into some sparkling wellies. ‘Fulham?’

‘We’ll take the bridge, let’s go!’

Solana grabbed her keys, and the two sisters bolted to the Mini parked on the street.

‘Just promise you’ll do this for me someday,’ Solana gushed as she started the engine.

‘Noted,’ Raina promised, as she hauled all of her dress into the passenger side. ‘Now go!’

Solana drove in a frenzy. Raina had to grab the handle above her head and hold on with a grimace. Fortunately, it was a Monday night in London’s hazy summer, and Barnes was relatively quiet, not too many cars out. As they whipped around a corner and made their way towards the Hammersmith Bridge, Raina felt a strong, resolute need inside of her.