Page 86 of Unapologetic Love Story

Raina acknowledged this remark by fiercely cracking open a crab claw.

‘Need me to do yours for you?’ she asked nonchalantly. ‘I’m good at handling meat . . .’

‘No.’ He scooped up some mussels and clams for his small plate. ‘Thank you. I know what comes of your handling. I’ll end up a panting mess on the floor.’

They ate in competitive silence, eyeing each other up as they went. He grabbed the scallops. She the prawns. They both reached for one of the oysters at the same time. Tom lifted it from its icy bed and held it out towards Raina.

‘You know what they say about these?’

Raina took it from him and downed it smoothly, placing the empty grey shell back on the platter. ‘Yes. They make you want to fuck.’

Tom sat back. Then he ate his own oyster. ‘How’re you feeling, Raina?’

Her face was lit up with impish pride. ‘I’m feeling really good, Tom. How are you feeling?’

‘Feel like I want to get you home.’

‘Those are the charming words of a quitter, Branimir. No, no. You will not distract me from your impending loss by trying to seduce me.’

The waiter passed by their table and laughed. ‘I don’t know how a woman can eat like you and keep that figure!’

Tom scowled and Raina’s radiant smile deflated, just a little, even though it was a compliment. When the waiter was gone, she said, ‘Well. If my mother were here, she would have something to say.’

She could feel him weighing up in his mind whether or not to ask a follow-up question after that slightly sudden overshare and change of vibe. ‘Your sister mentioned something like that.’

Raina stiffened. ‘Solana did?’

‘Yeah.’

‘What did she say?’

Raina didn’t need him to answer; she already knew. Solana was constantly indignant about their mother’s obsessive fixation on their appearances. She’d always received an easier ride from Meggie and made up for it by doubling down on her loyalty to Raina.

‘Well,’ Raina said before Tom could reveal whatever it was he’d heard, ‘I love food. I like walking. I’m great with stairs. Pepper brings me with her to an extremely intense spin class. My doctor is brutally honest but she says I’m good.’

‘I’m trying not to say inappropriate things about the way you look.’

That made her laugh. ‘Yeah, well. If I win these two awards or hit two million subscribers or get a television show, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that I get the most beautiful letters from women telling me that the show has helped them through all sorts of trauma. It doesn’t matter that I’m asked to speak in schools. That I get to try and empower young neurodivergent girls in a way I never was. It doesn’t matter that I cobbled together a life everyone told me could never be. None of that matters to her. The only thing she cares about is me looking thin in family photographs. It’s like a sickness. She only sees that. Like I said, I’m healthy. I make sure to be. But aesthetically, I’m all wrong to her. Sometimes I think she likes skinny women because she associates thinness with obedience.’

Raina was surprised. She always got so emotional about this subject. It was usually enough to trigger a few tremors and shakes. Now, as she sat in front of the man she was sleeping with and a generous plate of seafood, she was resigned. Very detached.

‘The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results,’ she concluded quietly. ‘When I was at my thinnest – starving, basically. Playing clever games with food to make it look like I was eating, letting autistic masking become this complete and utter rejection of food – she came very close to being proud of me.’

Tom made a noise of disgust. Raina shrugged.

‘I was pretending so hard to be neurotypical. Hiding every natural feeling, suppressing every urge. Made myself so ill. And it’s the only time I remember her giving me a compliment. You know, that’s the saddest thing of all. Only being loved when you know, deep down, you’re at your most hidden. Your most dishonest. They just love the lie. The pretending. That’s what really kills, you know? This weird illusion you’ve constructed . . . some people prefer it. And it’s hard to come back from that.’

She took a long drink of water, keeping her eyes lowered.

‘You’re not writing anything on me any more, right?’ she asked softly, moving some empty shells around with her fork. ‘This is all off the record?’

He opened his mouth but they were interrupted by the waiter.

‘Wow,’ he said, reluctantly impressed. ‘You did it.’

Tom gestured to Raina with a proud smile. ‘She’s quite something. Superior to me in every way.’

Raina crumpled up her plastic bib and lobbed it at him, making everyone laugh. The oyster shells were cleared away while Raina felt like she was coming out of her own a little more.