Page 99 of Unapologetic Love Story

Raina blinked in confusion, turning to her sister and Mirren.

‘That’s Zailey,’ Mirren said softly, in a voice full of awe. ‘She’s worked here for ever. Knows everything. Never talks to anyone, including customers.’

‘What’s going on?’ Solana laughed nervously.

When Zailey returned, she was carrying a ballgown on a hanger. She handled it with grace and care, as if it were the most precious thing in the shop. She moved by Raina to hang it on the railing of the dressing room. She then stood back, next to Solana and Mirren.

‘Go on then,’ she said expectantly, when Raina just stared at it.

Raina stepped into the dressing room and pulled the curtain behind her. She shimmied out of her current option and hung it up delicately. The ballgown was a princess dress, a completely different calibre. Raina knew she should check the price tag, but she was too afraid to. She knew this one was perfect already. A full rose-gold skirt of tulle and a bodice that was embroidered with sequins, crystals and little mirrors.

She stepped into the dress, and it slid up her body like liquid.

‘Can someone do the zipper? I’m too nervous, my hands are trembling,’ she called out.

To her surprise, Zailey stepped in. She pulled the fastening of the ballgown up swiftly and efficiently, then knelt down to fluff the skirt properly. Raina looked at her reflection and felt the beginning of tears. It was a complex thing. Sometimes, as an autistic woman, doing normal things that other women did all the time made her feel like an imposter.

‘I listen to your show,’ Zailey said from the floor, a quiet admission as she pulled all the layers of the skirt out so it was showing off its full volume.

Raina froze. ‘Really?’

‘Yes. I’m in my fifties now so I was never diagnosed. Never will be, I suppose. But . . . well. Anyway, I love to listen. You make me feel a bit more human. If that makes sense. My daughter helps me catch them on the computer.’

‘Thank you so much,’ Raina breathed, feeling her whole body tighten with emotion. ‘That means a lot.’

They both caught each other’s eye in the mirror, and Raina’s face almost crumpled. It was always harder to pretend around other autistic women.

‘It really does mean a lot,’ she whispered. ‘Because this is all so hard. The sudden attention. Being perceived. I just talk about what it’s like for me and it hits me. Everyone’s feelings.’

Zailey nodded sagely. ‘I can imagine. I see the comments.’

‘One minute, someone says you’re nothing like them and therefore you’re the worst autistic to ever live. They project years of isolation and pain onto you. Then someone says you’re the reason they’re still alive. And you’re scared to open your mouth because you . . . you . . .’

Zailey made soothing sounds as Raina clapped a hand over her mouth.

‘I’m sorry,’ she added. ‘It’s just so much. And so many people . . . so many people don’t understand.’

And I know a shutdown is going to hit soon.

Zailey straightened and held Raina by both shoulders. ‘Then fuck ’em. This is the one. Show up in this, head held high, and make them all stare. Do it for all of us.’

The woman’s tone was gruff but her words made Raina feel embraced. She wiped at her tears and laughed brightly. ‘Thank you, Zailey.’

Zailey nodded once, firmly. Then stepped out of the dressing room, drawing back the curtain to reveal Raina to the sisters. Mirren let out a delighted whoop and Solana burst into tears.

The exact reactions Raina wanted. She did a twirl, and the skirt flew dramatically around her. Her sister was hugging her, and Mirren was jumping up and down, and yes, to an outsider it was a dress. A silly girl getting emotional over a ballgown.

To Raina, it was so much more. Years of ‘you can’t’ and ‘you’ll never’ were being discarded as she stood in the glittering princess dress.

When it was boxed up and the time came to pay, Raina took out her debit card a little shakily. The dress was a lot more than she’d planned to spend, and her personal account had a lot less in it than her professional one. The rent she paid was small, but she had plenty of direct debits leaving her bank each month for bills. She’d no idea if the funds were there and she was too nervous to check her banking app.

‘Let’s pray,’ she said to the three women who stood with her. ‘Please don’t get declined.’

‘Put my discount on it,’ cried Mirren, slamming her employee card down on the till desk.

‘Mine, too,’ Zailey said brashly, doing the same.

‘And this gift card,’ Solana added, slamming her birthday present to Raina down as well.