Page 102 of Yearning Difficulties

‘Guys like that, they can get obsessive and dangerous.’

I rounded on him. ‘The only person here who’s obsessive and dangerous is you. Go. Go now. I never want to speak to you again. I never want to hear your name again. If I see you in the radio studio next week, I’ll quit. We’re done. Don’t ever come near me again.’

I glanced to the stands. Priya, Ashley and Sterling were all watching us.

‘All of you,’ I said, my voice assured in a way it never had been before. ‘You’re all ugly. Ugly down to your cores. You’re what’s genuinely scary in this world. I can’t believe I wasted so much time on you.’

I left them behind. At last, and for the final time.

I pushed open the doors to the backstage section of the grounds. I searched everywhere for him, finding his chainmail and helmet abandoned by the male changing rooms.

‘Killian!’

I heard footsteps behind me, hurried ones. Chris, Anderson, Cherry and Claire all appeared in the small patch of field where the tents were all pitched.

‘Zella?’ Cherry spoke to me with such empathy I wanted to cry. She sounded so worried. ‘You okay?’

I couldn’t look at any of them. Especially Claire. ‘I don’t know where he is.’

‘Seems there’s a lot of things you don’t know lately,’ Claire said to my back.

I froze. Then turned. ‘That’s not fair.’

‘Zella’s right, Claire,’ Chris said wearily. ‘My brother has gone to, like, unseemly lengths to keep Zella in the dark about his feelings.’

‘And you knew the whole time,’ I said to him, struggling to keep from feeling betrayed. ‘You always knew.’

Chris gave me an apologetic smile, one that couldn’t meet his eyes. ‘It wasn’t my secret to tell.’

‘It wasn’t you on the radio.’

‘No. It was him. His words. About you.’

Claire made a small noise of hurt and stormed off. Anderson glanced between the rest of us and then followed her.

‘I’m so stupid,’ I said, sitting down on a tree stump by the stage door. ‘Monumentally stupid.’

‘No,’ Cherry said, sitting at my feet. ‘You’re just autistic, babe. You need people to say exactly what they mean. You’ve told yourself not to trust your instincts. Because we’re not the best at reading people. This isn’t your fault, Zella.’

My shoulders started to shake and I realized I was overcome.

‘Did Killian ever tell you the truth?’ she pressed.

‘Not directly.’

‘Then you wouldn’t let yourself look at it. Why would you trust yourself to predict something, after a lifetime of being made to feel like you’re always getting things wrong?’

She was right.

‘I need to see him,’ I said to no one in particular. ‘Dave said the most heinous things. I need to know he’s all right.’

‘Try the Arthouse,’ Chris told me. ‘He goes there by himself sometimes. I’ll walk with you.’

‘No need,’ a voice interrupted. ‘I’m here.’

My head shot up and I glared at him. He approached with a touch of apprehension. I didn’t blame him – I was feeling every emotion under the sun. Concern, fury, hurt, disbelief. His eyes held mine until the others started to mumble their excuses, hurrying to leave us alone. I got to my feet and started to walk towards town. I wasn’t able to be still.

I felt him following me. We walked until we reached the actual lake in Lake Pristine and I sat down by the water’s edge.