Page 48 of Yearning Difficulties

He smiled down at me, clearly delighted by my irritation. ‘It’s a more eccentric carnival trick.’

I rolled my eyes and turned back to Sandy. ‘How much for this?’

She told me and I dug in my tote bag for some change. But before I could reach my little coin purse, Killian had already tapped his card against the small white machine Sandy was holding out.

‘Hey,’ I said, covering my shock at his chivalry with pretend vexation. He’d bought me things before but there was something about this that felt a lot more personal. ‘A lady can buy her own mood ring.’

‘Wear it during the joust,’ he said, sauntering off towards the cast tent. ‘It’ll make losing to that prick a lot easier for me to bear, knowing I put it there.’

When our part of the show was done, Killian and I lounged around in the backstage area. The joust had gone well, and Dave was getting better with the sword-fight. He’d never admit it, but Killian was also learning to love the role of the knave. I sat with my back against the wall of the costume tent and he lay down with his head in my lap. It was duly noted by our classmates as they slipped in and out of the area to use the bathroom or peruse the outside stalls.

Something had definitely changed since our ‘date’ on the beach. But I didn’t discuss it with him. I was worried he’d laugh at me.

Or do something else entirely.

‘How did you get such beautiful hair?’ Killian asked, reaching up to gently pull at a long strand of red.

‘Genetics. And having a Viking in my ancestry at some point.’

My hands automatically moved to his head, my fingers absent-mindedly stroking through his dark curls. When he let out a small groan, I gave a surprised laugh.

‘Sorry for being grumpy earlier.’

His words made me pause for a second. ‘Were you being grumpy?’

It was an insincere question. I’d sensed his agitation as we’d walked around the stalls and I’d worried he was getting restless about the whole pretence. That was why I’d brought up our imminent public breakup.

But that hadn’t seemed to lighten his mood whatsoever.

‘We’ll be done soon, Kill,’ I said reassuringly. ‘I promise.’

He shifted beneath my hands. ‘Can’t wait for it to be over, Red?’

His tone made me glance around, too aware of his deep focus on me. ‘No one’s watching. We can stop if you want to.’

He glared up at me. ‘I don’t want to.’

I looked away, unable to hold his eyes. ‘Fine.’

He regarded me for a moment and then pushed himself up into a sitting position. Before I could ask what he was doing, he pulled me into his lap and wrapped his arms around me. He rested his chin on the top of my head and I instinctively pressed my face into his neck.

‘Let’s just do this for a bit,’ he said gruffly.

I wasn’t going to complain.

By holding me, he quietened my whole nervous system. It was kind of remarkable. I felt everything in me slow down, the dissipation of my jumpy, jittery feeling of being too seen and too on show.

Killian didn’t ask anything of me. He didn’t expect anything in that moment.

‘The cut on your neck,’ I said, after a few moments of peaceful silence. I reached out to the other side of his neck and brushed my finger over what was now a barely there scab.

‘It’s fine.’

‘You sure?’

‘Yes, Red. Don’t worry about me.’

His arms tightened around me and he rocked me a couple of times. I felt like he was moments away from putting me into a meditative state.