Page 76 of Yearning Difficulties

My breath caught as silence met Mr Hamilton’s request. When Killian did finally reply, it was with a cold and quiet voice.

‘I’m looking at disabled anti-heroes.’

Mr Hamilton’s eyes lit up in a way that was a little unnerving. ‘There now. Here we go! Tell us more.’

I turned to look at Killian. He was staring at the notebook in front of him and taking short, shallow breaths. As if he were fighting something. As if he were trying to rein in his temper.

‘I’m focusing on Leroux’s Phantom of the Opera and Rostand’s Cyrano de Bergerac. Maybe Victor Hugo’s Quasimodo portrayal as well.’

Mr Hamilton made a noise of approval. ‘All very French. Très bien. Continue.’

I watched Killian swallow and a small part of me hurt for him. I could tell he wasn’t thrilled about discussing this in front of everyone. If there was no way for him to be flippant and sarcastic about something, it was always hard for him to vocalize. I knew that.

And for some reason, he clearly didn’t want to be flippant or sarcastic about this.

‘Both protagonists are in love with a woman,’ he said slowly. ‘Well, Erik is obsessed with Christine and Cyrano pines for Roxanne from a distance. I thought I might actually compare Rostand’s Cyrano to Leroux’s Raoul in Phantom of the Opera.’

‘Expand.’

‘Both are close friends of the female main characters. Cyrano and Roxanne are cousins, which is a literary device used to create intimacy and familiarity between two characters of the opposite sex. In a time when men and women weren’t allowed to be too close unless they were married, and cousins weren’t considered as familial as they are today. Raoul and Christine were childhood friends and he still carries a torch for her. However, their treatment of the two women is vastly different.’

His eyes flickered to mine and then away again.

‘Cyrano is ugly. He feels like he’s deformed, as Erik, the phantom in Phantom of the Opera, is deformed. No one can meet Cyrano without commenting on his ugliness. By the social mode, that makes him disabled. He knows Roxanne won’t love him because of how he looks. He’s resigned to it. So, despite their closeness, he locks his feelings away. Even helps another man to court her. Meanwhile, Raoul, who doesn’t have a disability – he’s rich, privileged and used to getting everything he wants. It’s reflected in his behaviour towards Christine. He’s entitled. He often attacks her, even when she comes to him with her secrets. He’s accusatory. And it takes an impossibly long time for him to accept that she’s telling the truth about Erik, the man in her dressing room.’

‘Good understanding,’ Mr Hamilton remarked, perching on the edge of his desk. ‘How about some analysis?’

Killian looked down at his hands and he seemed to be considering something. Pondering whether or not to go on. When he gave a resigned sigh, I knew he’d made up his mind. He cast another glance at me and then returned his attention to Mr Hamilton.

‘Disabled people know how the world sees them. Cyrano is not a fool. Neither is Erik, even though he’s been driven a little mad by the cruelty of life. They get it. They know what they are. They don’t expect to get what they want. One resorts to violence and coercion. The other settles for a life in the shadows. Non-disabled Raoul acts the way he does because he feels he deserves certain things. His attitude to love is expectant. In complete opposition to Erik. And to Cyrano. Watching the woman he adores fall in love with his words but not his face. Maybe that’s enough for him.’

‘What about how she feels?’

The words caused the whole room to hold their breath. I couldn’t honestly believe I was the one to say them. But I was. And I did.

And I wanted an answer.

‘Sorry?’ Killian said, fixing me with a look of simmering emotion.

‘What about how Roxanne feels?’ I said, unrepentant. ‘Does he ever ask her? Or does he just expect that she’ll reject him? Does he presume to know her feelings?’

Killian’s eyes narrowed. ‘No, he just knows how the song goes, I suppose. He’s used to it.’

‘Oh, but if he loves her so very much, he must know her very well,’ I snapped. ‘So go on – why doesn’t he do the brave thing and actually let her tell him all that herself?’

He shrugged his shoulders, meeting my gaze and my fired-up tone with his own ire. ‘Maybe he’s certain that because she can’t love the parts of herself that are different, that means she won’t know how to love him.’

His words felt like a shot to the back of my head. Mr Hamilton, oblivious, frowned at his assessment and started asking Killian about genre but I couldn’t hear a word. Maybe because I could hear everything. Every sigh from the bored members of the class. Every faraway murmur from outer classrooms and corridors. The birds chirping on the other side of the double-glazed windows. The clock on the wall.

Everything was loud but nothing was louder than Killian’s words to me.

‘Maybe Roxanne is different,’ I breathed, my voice full of things I’d never been brave enough to say. ‘Maybe in ways that most people can’t see. Because women don’t have the luxury of being strange. They don’t get the benefit of the doubt. People don’t look more closely. If they can’t be ornamental in the exact right way, whatever way is fashionable, then they can’t be loved. They can’t be accepted. And being cast out as a woman is always, always, different to being cast out as a man. It’s never the same.’

Silence followed my words. But I wasn’t finished. I felt like someone had unlocked a door in my mind and everything that had been trapped behind it was falling out.

‘Christine tells Erik, she actually tells him, that she’s given him her soul. But that’s not enough. He wants more. He and Raoul both pull at her like she’s an object, neither of them worried she might break.’

I took a gasping breath, suddenly aware of Dave’s eyes on me as well. His face was a mask of disbelief and bewilderment.