Page 47 of Titan’s Mate

Moving as silently as possible—which was silent as fuck—he looked down over the half-wall. Everything seemed normal, as far as he could tell.

But there was a faint scent in the air that he couldn’t identify. Flowers? And something else…

He quietly made his way to the top of the stairs. The winter light had faded while they were asleep, leaving the first floor in deep shadow. Titan stole down the stairs, alert for an attack.

Near the bottom of the stairs he paused, then hit the light switch.

As soon as the room lit up, there was a whirring sound, like many tiny motors. Then a cacophony of competing music-box-like tunes filled the air, and the living room was alive with…

Dicks. Dancing dicks.

Six-inch plastic dildoes, to be exact. At least a dozen, in lurid neon colors—pink and purple and blue and green. They stood straight up on springy pedestals made to look like ball sacks, and they were vibrating and bouncing up and down like fucking multicolored popcorn.

This could mean only one thing. The twins were home.

Titan started to laugh, and went down the last two stairs.

His right foot sank into something soft and gooey and sticky, like half-dried superglue. He looked down.

His foot was stuck in a huge pile of translucent pink gel, sparkling with multicolored glitter. Propped up next to the gel was a printed ad poster with a cutesy unicorn, squatting, and a pile of this same shit underneath its ass.

Literal shit. The ad read, “Unicorns Poop Glitter!”

Titan tried to pull his foot out of the mess, but it was stuck fast. Fuck. Me. Sideways.

He pulled harder. Still nothing.

Fucking McCall twins. This was definitely their doing. The crew had come back from Nashville, and this was their lowlpard-fucking-welcome-us-home.

Titan let out a mighty roar, and pulled his foot free. Half the unicorn poop came with it, stretching out in long strings like fucking chewing gum.

“Aaaaah!” he yelled again.

Mari came running down the stairs. “What’s wrong?” she said. “What happened? Are you—”

She caught sight of the ballet of dancing dildoes and her mouth dropped open. “Oh my god,” she said, looking around in delight. “The dick fairy came while we were asleep!”

“Fucking Remy and Colt McCall came while we were asleep,” he growled. She came further down the stairs. “Don’t step in the unicorn poop!” he added.

She stopped just in time, taking in the mess by the stairs, the poster, and his glittery poopy foot. He could see her lips twitching.

“Don’t even,” he warned her. Even though the whole thing would be funny, if only he could put his foot down without getting stuck to the fucking floor.

“No,” she said, her eyes getting round. “I would never. Because this is very—” A little explosive giggle escaped her mouth. She tried valiantly to straighten her face. “Very serious.”

Another bubble of laughter escaped, and she started giggling hysterically.

Titan, trying unsuccessfully to scrape the unicorn poop off his foot, lost his balance and had to put his foot down.

It stuck, of course. He yanked it back up, and there was a hideous popping sound as one of the floorboards started to come with it.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” he yelled.

Mari was sitting on the stairs, waving her arms feebly. “I’m sorry. I’m—oh my god.” She went off in another fit of laughter.

He yanked his foot up again, and the floorboard did come with it—at least, a foot of it did. It splintered off from the rest and remained stuck to his foot.

That was it. Titan let out another roar and stalked out the front door, the floorboard fragment clanking at each step, glitter poop oozing over the side and making sucking sounds every time he took a step.