Page 59 of My Kind of Happy

‘No.’ A wave of nausea made me sway on the spot. ‘Actually, please excuse me.’

I pushed past her, grabbed hold of Scamp and fled outside before I fainted.

Imagine that?Wendy had said.

An image flashed up of Freddie’s bike, being rescued from a ditch. Twisted wheels, mangled metal … it hadn’t even looked like a bike. No, I thought, I couldn’t understand anyone wanting to be reminded of that.

I’d blocked the details of Freddie’s accident immediately. I’d packed the horrific details away in a part of my memory which I never wanted to revisit. I didn’t want to go over and over his accident in my head, wondering why someone as experienced and careful would take such a notorious route in the dark, in wet weather. Because it tore me apart. It didn’t make sense. Nothing about the accident would ever make sense. In my mind, motorbikes were synonymous with danger and death. And I wanted to remember Freddie full of life. But Wendy’s words had dredged the details up and I couldn’t unsee the images.

We ran across the road and headed to the green, Scamp tugging at his lead, assuming that this was a game, eager as ever to plunge his nose into every delicious smell.

‘Be good and no jumping in the stream.’ I unclipped him and let him run off to play with other dogs. And then I sank down on a bench and squeezed my eyes shut.

‘Oh Freddie,’ I whispered under my breath. ‘I miss you, you stupid great idiot.’

Grief washed over me and I let the tears fall.

I hadn’t cried for ages. I still thought about Freddie every day of course. I missed him being part of my life. I could tell myself a million times that Freddie would be proud of me, that Freddie would want me to be happy, etcetera, but sometimes that wasn’t enough. Every day that passed, I was leaving him behind.

‘Take this, dear,’ came a soft voice from beside me.

I blinked my tears away and saw Delphine, Maria’s friend. She was holding out a handkerchief to me.

‘Thank you.’

Delphine sat down on the bench and patted my back softly, her silver bracelets tinkling at her wrist. She said nothing until my tears stopped and I got my breathing back under control.

‘I was just on my way to your party,’ she said, eventually. ‘But you don’t look as if you’re enjoying yourself very much. Is there anything I can do?’

I managed a watery smile. ‘You could catch my dog.’

Scamp was splashing up and down the stream and woofing to his heart’s content. Delphine looked down at her white loafers. She was very stylish, I thought through a fog of tears. ‘I’d rather not, but I’ll cheer from the bank if you climb in after him,’ she offered.

‘I’d better.’ I sighed and got to my feet. ‘He’s obsessed with the ducks. He’d freak out if he ever actually got close enough to catch one, I think that’s why he barks so much: to make sure they can get away.’

‘All bark and no bite,’ said Delphine wistfully. ‘My Violet was just like that. She died last autumn. I used to tease her for being grumpy, now I’d give anything to hear her bark her orders just one more time.’

Violet. Her favourite flower, I remembered.

‘Same with my big brother. He died in an accident last year. He used to leave his great big trainers in our hall for me to trip over. Now the hall is clear and I miss having to avoid them.’

Delphine patted my arm. ‘I know.’

‘I should be getting back; Nina will be wondering where I am.’ I cupped my hands around my mouth. ‘SCAMP!’

Thankfully the dog bounded back towards us without argument.

‘I imagine they can manage for a few minutes more without you.’ Delphine stepped out of the way as Scamp shook his coat to get rid of the water.

‘You look like you’re coping with grief a lot better than I am.’ I put Scamp back on the lead and the three of us took a gentle stroll across the green in the general direction of the shop, Scamp slowing us down to sniff at every leaf in our path.

‘I have my moments,’ she said. ‘The early days were completely impossible to navigate; even buoyed up with the love of my friends, I felt all at sea. We were going to grow old together, Violet and I. Without her, life seemed pointless for a while.’

‘It was different for me and Freddie, we shared a childhood, a broken home, the same awful taste in jokes. And he was always there for me, cheering me on.’

‘He’ll still be there, doing the same.’

We drew level with the pet shop on the other side of the road. Churchill was sitting in the doorway and both dogs wagged their tails at each other which brought a smile to my face.