Page 34 of A Merry Little Christmas

Maybe not quite spur of the moment …

Chapter 13

Nell

‘Thanks for the lift.’ Nell unclipped her seat belt, leaned over to the driver’s side of Olek’s van and kissed his cheek.

They were outside Olek’s parents’ house in Bakewell. His parents had lived in it since they’d first arrived in the UK from Poland when Olek was a teenager. His old bedroom was now Max’s room when he came to stay, which was less frequent now that football had begun to dominate every hour outside of school.

‘You’re welcome. Hey.’ As she turned away, Olek cupped a hand to her face, preventing her from pulling back. He touched his lips so softly to hers that his kiss was barely there, almost as if he wasn’t sure whether he was welcome. ‘I love you, you know, Mrs Dowmunt.’

Although it was dark, Mr and Mrs Dowmunt Senior had so many multicoloured Christmas lights on the front of the house that the concern on his face was illuminated in shades of orange, red and green.

That was her doing, she’d made him question the equilibrium of their relationship. She knew that her behaviour had changed since getting their test results; where once she’d have always chosen the spot on the sofa beside him, where she could loop her arms around his waist and cuddle into his chest, now she sat on the far end, resting her feet in his lap. She kept conversation topics general instead of talking about what was really in her heart, and, when possible, she’d take the seat beside him at the dinner table rather than opposite to avoid the questioning look in his eye. And the awful thing was that she knew that all these little things were clues to him that something was wrong; he was bound to associate them with her sadness about not being able to conceive. When, in fact, at the heart of everything was her love for him and her desire to protect him from the truth.

‘I love you too, darling, very much,’ she replied.

She breathed in the familiar scent of him and willed herself not to cry. Her lovely, lovely man. She was a storm of emotion at the moment. Angry one minute and desperately sad the next. And her mood swings weren’t only saved for Olek. Fancy slamming the laptop down on Merry! She couldn’t remember them ever falling out like that before and she was ashamed to have done so now when Merry had so much going on.

‘Best news I’ve heard all day.’ Olek released her. ‘Listen, I’ve been thinking we should let my parents know about our fertility issues.’

Nell blinked at him, heart in her mouth. ‘Why? I thought we were going to stay quiet until we had some proper news.’

‘Darling, we have had proper news, it’s just not what we wanted to hear.’ He chewed the inside of his lip. ‘And sometimes honesty is the best policy.’

She felt herself flush; she’d always thought the same. Right up until she decided that being honest with Olek about his test results might do more harm than good. ‘Sometimes it is. But at other times, it isn’t.’

He narrowed his eyes teasingly. ‘Now you’ve got me worried about what’s causing that guilty look. When is honesty not the best policy in Nell’s world?’

Oh God. This conversation was getting more and more difficult. She picked up her bag from the footwell and prepared to leave the van. ‘Well, in this case, we haven’t mentioned anything to your parents about trying for a baby before now. Once we tell them – your mum especially – they’ll want weekly updates, and Irena will have lots of “helpful” suggestions. I love your mum, but this is private.’

He took her hand and laced his fingers through hers. ‘My mother does have a habit of poking her nose in. She’s asked me in the past whether you and I would have children and I know she’s dropped hints to you before. I’m wondering whether if we told her that things weren’t straightforward that she’d perhaps be a bit more sensitive around the subject.’

Nell nodded slowly, seeing his point. ‘Can I think about it? I’m not ready to talk about it with anyone.’

He held her gaze. ‘And that seems to include me.’

She felt her throat constrict. ‘It’s not that …’ She couldn’t get the words out. ‘I’m still coming to terms with it myself, that’s all.’

‘OK,’ he said sadly. ‘I think we should make another appointment with Dr Bajek. I feel bad about not being there at the last one.’

Nell’s stomach lurched and it took all her willpower not to jump out of the van and put an end to this conversation. The last thing she wanted was to see Dr Bajek again. ‘It wasn’t your fault.’

Olek touched her leg. ‘Maybe not, but if I’d known … Well, I wish I’d never accepted that emergency job, I regret it now. I should have been with you. I know you’re finding it hard to talk about, but I wish I understood more. I know how important this is to you.’

His wording made her breath catch. ‘But not important to you?’

This time, she held his gaze.

‘Nell!’ He looked wounded. ‘Nothing would make me happier than for us to have a child together. Nothing. You’re such an important person in Max’s life and he thinks the world of you. But having stepchildren is not the same as your own flesh and blood. Sometimes when I look at Max, I could burst with love and pride, just knowing that I’m his father. I’d love for you to experience that feeling; you’ll be a wonderful mother.’

His use of the future tense, and his certainty that it would happen one day, brought a lump to her throat, as did his expression of love for Max.

‘Thank you, my love, for saying such nice things, but …’ She shook her head, struggling to find the right words. ‘It’s not to be.’

He brought her fingers to his lips, kissing them before speaking again. ‘Nell, if there’s a chance that we could get pregnant somehow, wouldn’t you want to look into it?’

Oh, Olek, not if you aren’t the father.