Page 45 of A Merry Little Christmas

Emily glanced at her phone as a text came through. ‘That’s my taxi.’

Merry felt herself gripped with dread. Despite the circumstances, it had been a relief to share the stress of Ray’s fading health and generally just lovely spending time with her sister. ‘I’m going to miss you. And thank you again for taking me shopping for baby clothes. I’ll always treasure the things we found.’

Emily’s surprise trip on the afternoon of the candle -making workshop had been to their favourite vintage shop in Bakewell, where Merry had found her wedding dress last year. They’d sifted through baskets of baby clothes and found the most exquisite lace christening gown, three hand-crocheted cardigans and a delicate patchwork quilt with baby animals all over it.

‘I probably loved it more than you did, and I’ll be back as soon as this baby comes,’ Emily promised. ‘If not before.’

‘You’d better be,’ Merry said wanly, as Emily got up and helped her to her feet.

‘You are OK, aren’t you?’ Emily studied her sister’s face.

Merry hesitated, wondering whether she could tell her the truth.

Not really, I wanted a baby more than anything, but I don’t know if I can do it. Being a mother feels so daunting, and now I realise just how much I’ll have to give up.

‘Of course,’ she said instead, deciding against it. ‘Just got a bowling ball pressing down on my bladder, but apart from that, happy as a clam.’

‘Ouch,’ Emily giggled. ‘No wonder you look tense. I’d better say goodbye to Dad and go.’

She gave Merry a hug. ‘Love you.’

The baby chose that moment to start its afternoon aerobics and Merry took Emily’s hand and guided it to the right spot.

‘And I love you too, little one,’ said Emily. ‘Please be good for your mum.’

‘More to the point,’ Merry murmured, ‘will I be good for the baby?’

Emily couldn’t have heard the note of anxiety in Merry’s voice because she called her a loon, gave her one last kiss and ran to say goodbye to Ray before dashing to get in her taxi.

Ten minutes later, Merry was in the ladies’ bathroom feeling perilously close to tears. She was probably just tired. She should go home and have a rest, then perhaps this morose mood would pass. This time last year, she’d been planning her wedding and had really wished her mum could have been there to help her. Now, her first child was on its way and Merry was missing her mum even more fiercely than ever. She would love to have someone to reassure her that she was going to make a fantastic mother, that just because Sam hadn’t felt capable of looking after her daughter, it didn’t mean that Merry didn’t have what it took to be a good mum to her own baby.

She’d tried to explain to Cole how inadequate she felt, but instead of really listening to her underlying worries, he’d told her how Lydia had been just the same when she was expecting Harley and how every new parent wishes babies came with a manual and that everyone muddles through in the end. How his first wife coped wasn’t what Merry wanted to hear and didn’t help in the least.

She half regretted not confiding in Emily while she had the chance, but there’d been a slight danger of Emily feeling the need to warn Cole about Merry’s worries. That was the last thing she wanted. Nell was the one she really wanted to confess to, but that wasn’t an option, not now that Nell and Olek were having fertility problems. How could she admit to being scared about her impending role as a mother when poor Nell was desperate to be in her position? It would be cruel. And that was weird, Merry mused, that Nell didn’t want to talk about it; they’d always talked about everything in the past.

Her phone buzzed with a text message, and she took it from her bag to read. It was from Cole and her heart squeezed with a rush of anxiety, followed by a burst of sadness at how quickly and how low their relationship had sunk. She took a paper towel from the stack and dried her hands before reading it.

Darling girl, I’m sorry we argued, and I’m sorry we haven’t made up before now. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you straight away about going to Germany. Originally, Astrid planned to go before the due date mid-Jan and I’d agreed to go, but obviously everything has changed now. TBH, Astrid is pushing me into this, she’s extremely keen, and Dad’s worried she’s going to go back to Germany without him. Families, eh!

But I’ve let Astrid know I won’t be going, and she understands.

I’m sorry Meadow View isn’t ready yet, but I give you my word I’m throwing all my best men at it to speed it up. We’ll be in as soon as humanly possibly, I promise. I’m cooking your favourite tonight, and we can snuggle up by the fire and watch a film, I promise I won’t say a word if you make me watch The Grinch again. I love you xxx

‘Oh Cole,’ Merry murmured. She didn’t deserve him; he was too gorgeous, kind and thoughtful. This baby was the luckiest child in the world – alongside Freya and Harley – to have him as its daddy. If only – if only she could say the same about its mother.

Her eyes pricked with tears and for once, instead of blinking them away, she let them fall.

She was mopping her eyes a few minutes later when the door opened and Bernard’s elderly Scrabble partner walked in. She was a no-nonsense, steely-haired woman in an olive-green jumper and tweed trousers, the sort you knew would always have a clean handkerchief and would calmly see off a burglar with a few sharp words.

‘Oh dear,’ she said, spotting Merry’s tears. ‘I can either look the other way and save you the discomfort of having to explain yourself …’

‘Or?’ Merry asked with a sniff.

‘Or you can unburden yourself to a stranger,’ she said, briskly. ‘Easier than telling someone with skin in the game, I always think. I’m Hilary by the way. Ex-colleague of Bernard, and apparently one of his few friends. Hardly surprising given how rude he is to me.’

She locked herself into a cubicle and Merry twisted her damp tissue between her fingers, debating whether to make a run for it or take the opportunity for a non-subjective ear.

‘I’m Merry Robinson,’ she began in faltering tones. ‘I’m Ray’s daughter. My baby is due very soon.’