Page 95 of A Merry Little Christmas

I don’t know whether you’ll see this when I’m gone or not. I hope so. Maybe you’ll get it when you’re eighteen. I don’t know how these things work. That’s me all over – I never know the answers.

And that’s how I feel now – that I’ve run out of answers. I don’t know how to be your mum; I only know that I love you and want the best for you. I’ve decided that the best is not with me.

My own mother hardly ever looked at me, did you know that? She had no interest in me at all; I’m not even sure if she loved me. I had four nannies at one point, each of them competing with me for her attention. I know I’ll never be able to steer you safely through life. I haven’t even managed to do that for myself. I’d have no chance doing it for someone else.

But I do love you, you must believe that. I’m not like my mum, I can hardly take my eyes off you. I look at you and my heart wants to burst, knowing that you’re mine. Against all the odds, I made the most beautiful child and, whatever happens next for you, please know that I loved you with every cell of my body.

I’m sorry for everything. I am so sorry you ended up with me as your mother. You deserve better. Without me around to mess things up, I hope that’s what you’ll get. I hope you remember me with love, even though I’ve let you down. But I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t. Will you miss me? I wonder. The selfish part of me hopes you will, but I know that’s not fair. Above all else, I want your life to be full of light and happiness.

I’ve hurt everyone who ever loved me, including your father, Ray. Remember Ray? He used to visit sometimes when you were little. But not anymore. I sent him away when I found out he had another family, another daughter. I hope he manages to make a go of it with them. He’s a nice man. A bit flaky, but then who am I to talk?

My darling girl, I spoke to you on the phone last night. You were full of stories about the foster carers you’re with. About the snake and feeding it with frozen chicks. The massive Christmas tree in the living room. It sounds so much better than here with me. You’re having fun, part of a big family, living with a woman who is so good at being a mum that she looks after other people’s kids too. I envy her. But I’m grateful to her too.

I’m getting sleepy now, M, so I’ll say goodnight. Always remember how much I loved you, you’ll carry a piece of my heart with you wherever you go.

Your loving mum xxxx

Chapter 40

Merry

‘“I look at you and my heart wants to burst.” That’s what she said.’ Merry had read the letter twice and her tears were coming so thick and fast she could barely see.

These words were never going to leave her. She already knew that by the end of today she’d be able to recite the entire letter from memory.

Her mum had written to her. She had thought of her. Merry had been on her mind in her final hours.

The more she processed this fact, the more she was able to unpick her own thoughts, about herself, her lovability, her self-doubts about her place in the world and about their mother-daughter bond. She wasn’t quite sure why this letter held such power, such magic, but it did.

‘That’s so beautiful,’ said Nell, a wobbly smile on her own face. ‘I’m so happy for you.’

Nell moved seats so that she was next to Merry, who leaned into her friend, resting her head on Nell’s shoulder, both letters still on her lap.

‘She did love me. Nell, she did love me. Right up until the end. I thought she didn’t love me enough to stay alive for me. This changes everything. She was a good mum, wasn’t she?’

‘She was.’ Nell kissed the top of Merry’s head. ‘She was ill and didn’t get proper help, that’s all. It was never about whether she loved you or not.’

‘I’m so sad that she felt I’d be better off without her in my life. How could I possibly have had a happier life without my mum?’ Precious memories flashed in and out of her head of the good times the two of them had spent together: her mum reading to her in bed, dancing around their flat to ABBA, sipping hot chocolate on Christmas morning while she opened her presents. It was little things like these which filled her with joy, both then and now. She wished she could have told Sam that. ‘No parent is perfect, no human is perfect. Maybe if I hadn’t been away in foster care when she’d been so low that killing herself seemed the only option, maybe then she’d have felt responsible for me and she’d have stayed alive.’

Nell was quiet for a moment. ‘As tempting as it is to go over these scenarios, I think it’s better not to torture yourself with what might have been. It sounds like she had a rough time with her own mum, and didn’t receive love. Despite that, she knew how to love you, with every cell of her body, she says. And she passed on that ability to love to you.’

Merry nodded. ‘You’re right, I know. Let’s focus on the important things. Like my dad. She confirms that Ray is definitely my dad. That’s …’ She sighed happily. ‘Such good news. Emily and I never wanted to take any tests, we were just happy to have found each other. We decided to be sisters regardless of genetics. But now it’s really true, and Emily will be pleased. That’s a lovely thing to discover. And it means this baby will have a proper auntie on my side of the family.’

Nell laughed softly. ‘Does that mean I’m an improper auntie?’

‘Of course.’ Merry grinned. ‘Everyone needs an improper auntie in their lives.’

‘I’ll always be there.’ Nell squeezed Merry’s shoulders. ‘For this child of yours, and for you.’

‘I know. We’ve been idiots. I’ll be there for you too.’ She looked down at the letter again. ‘Oh, Mum, of course I love you, I have always remembered you with love. And there isn’t a day goes by when I don’t miss you.’

‘I think she’d be so happy to see the sort of life you’ve got. And very proud. She’d love Cole, she’d have boasted to everyone about Merry and Bright and how smart her daughter is.’

Merry made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a sob. ‘I remember feeding frozen baby chicks to that hideous snake. I used to have dreams that it would escape from its tank and get me. And she was right about the big Christmas tree, I was very envious. We’d only ever had a tiny one in our flat. But I hadn’t met you then, I had no idea how posh Christmas decorations could be. The first time I saw your house at Christmas, I thought I was visiting the royal family.’

Nell cringed. ‘I blame the TV documentary Mum watched once about Chatsworth House, she modelled herself on the Duchess from then on. And our annual photo shoot in front of the Christmas tree, in Christmas jumpers, remember those? Always when I had a big spot on my chin.’

‘I do.’ Merry looked at her friend fondly. ‘I’m so glad that it’s you here with me right now. No one else would understand how much finding this letter means to me. You’ve always been there. For all the big things in my life.’