Page 95 of Somewhere Only We Know

My jaw dropped in disbelief. Unbelievable. She wasn’t at death’s door, she wasn’t even ill. No, she was simply repeating her bad habits from decades ago. Ignoring demands for payment of bills until finally the control was taken out of her hands. I was incensed, and annoyed with myself for almost being taken in again and coming to her rescue.

‘No.’

I could almost hear my mother’s shock. ‘Pardon?’

‘No, I’m not coming back. The last time I was in Bali I had to leave early to look after Kat because you’d messed up. This time, you can sort yourself out. You can face your own problems. Because God knows it’s about time you did. And as for little Sam – he’s your grandson, go over there and help Kat out. You never get enough sleep when your kids are ill.’

‘Ha!’ my mother retorted. ‘Always back to this. Change the record, Magnolia. You love pointing out my faults, don’t you? You weren’t always perfect either. I knew all about Brontë’s gap-year plans long before you. She confided things in me that she probably never told you.’

How could she? I was seething with rage. ‘And what did you confide in her, that you told me to get rid of her when I was pregnant? That you wanted her dead? Well, you got your wish: she is dead. She’s dead and it isn’t fair. She was the centre of my world. I barely scratched the surface of yours. I wish it had been you, Mum. I wish it had been you who died instead of her.’

My heart thundered against my ribs as the awful words poured out of me. Years of resentment, disappointment, and a longing to be mothered – they were no longer prepared to remain hidden.

The heavy silence on the other end was replaced by the dialling tone. She’d hung up on me. I turned to see Barb and Stanley staring at me in horror. And no wonder. I picked up my things and strode back to my room, sending Kat a message about Sam as I walked. I didn’t want to be here; in fact I wasn’t sure I wanted to be anywhere. I drew the curtains and lay on my bed in the dark, willing the earth to swallow me up. I had to have hit rock bottom. There couldn’t possibly be anywhere lower to fall.

Mum’s Gap Year

My darling Brontë,

It’s day two in Bali and other than some walking around Ubud to explore, I’ve been very lazy. And gosh, it has felt good to relax and slow down for a while. I have got a trip planned tomorrow, though, so don’t think that I’m not making the most of being in such a beautiful place.

I don’t mind admitting that I’ve been feeling low since losing your itinerary, so I thought I’d cheer myself up this afternoon by writing to you.

I know that you’ll never read this letter, but it does my heart good to share my thoughts and feelings with you. I can’t explain how; all I know is that this keeps us connected, and the bond we have is as close as it ever was. I’ve been thinking a lot about the diary I kept when I was in Bali last time. I didn’t know it then, but I was recording the events which brought you into my world. Now here I am again. The wheel of life has turned, and you are gone. Being here has brought the memories flooding back. My head is full, and my heart is sore, and I can’t not write things down. I’m so, so sad that I don’t have your book to write in. For now, a few sheets of hotel notepaper will have to do.

First things first. Sam’s fine. Auntie Kat says it was the scariest thing she’s ever been through when Sam’s temperature spiked, and they had to rush him into hospital. But it was only a virus and once they’d dosed him up, he started to improve. I’ve spoken to him on FaceTime and he was his perky little self already. Thank goodness.

Unfortunately, I probably can’t say the same of my relationship with your gran. It wasn’t strong to begin with and now it might be over for good.

My pen usually scribbles like crazy, but I’m struggling to put these words on paper. That’s because if you were in front of me, I’d be too ashamed to tell you about the row we had on the phone.

I said some terrible things. Only a monster would wish another person dead, and it’s even worse if that person is your mother.

Something’s holding me back from making the apology. This time she pushed me too far. I know what I said was bad, but I’m not ready to say sorry and I guess Gran isn’t either because she hasn’t called since. I’ve spoken to Auntie Kat again and she didn’t mention our row, which means she doesn’t know about it. But she did say that Gran had offered to do some shopping for her while Sam was ill if it would help. Which is progress.

I would have gone home for Gran if she’d really needed my help, but I’m glad I don’t have to yet. Now I’m in Bali, there are places I want to go. I wish I had your book to see where you had planned to visit, but I think I can guess which places would have been of interest to you.

Following your path across the world has given me a purpose at a time when I was feeling lost. I’m scared of taking the final few steps you’ve set out for me, because I don’t know what will happen once your journey ends and mine has to continue alone. It’s almost time to face the future without you, so please forgive me if I slow down while I take these final steps. Wish me luck, my darling

All my love

Mum xx

Chapter 34

Bali

I leaned on a wall beneath a crumbling archway, angling my body to get as much of myself into the shade as possible. Far below was the sea, a constant muffled roar, crashing onto the rocky cliffs. In front was a set of ancient stone steps leading down into a fountain surrounded by gardens. Directly opposite on the balustrade was a lone monkey, tucking into a mango while staring at me, occasionally pulling his lips back to reveal long yellowed teeth. There were signs everywhere warning visitors to the Uluwatu temple to keep shiny objects hidden from the monkeys; they were such dreadful pickpockets that staff kept catapults and long sticks handy to protect unsuspecting tourists. I had a scarf covering my shoulders and backpack, and although I had my phone out, I was keeping a tight hold of it.

It wasn’t the ideal spot to take a Zoom call from my employer, but the message I’d received earlier had stressed the importance of the meeting and this was the only place at the temple that I’d been able to get a phone signal.

I had a couple of minutes spare, so I scrolled to my saved messages and replayed the voicemail I’d woken up to from Jono.

‘I’ve heard you’re in Bali. It’s all right for some! Daisy saw your update on Instagram, and that you’ve lost your daughter’s book. I know how important it is to you and I hope you’re okay. You never know, it might turn up; it’s got to be somewhere. But if it doesn’t, don’t let it ruin your trip by beating yourself up. You can still have a good time. Bali is a great place; I went with a bunch of mates years ago. Head down to Uluwatu and visit the temple. There’s a spirituality to the place that I think will appeal to you.

‘If you’re into surfing, go to Canggu – the waves are enormous. In fact, go anyway, even if you’re not. It’s fun to watch the surfers, and every other café is owned by an Aussie, so the coffee is great. Daisy says hi and Max misses you. He goes to Creek Cottage every morning to look for you. I’ve told him you’re not coming back yet, but we can always hope.’

There was a pause down the line.