Page 12 of Not Just for Christmas

I chose to ignore that last comment. ‘It’s really kind of you, but I’ve got to pick up where Jack and I left off and give Sam a proper family Christmas again. At home; our own traditions, our own small family. Sam, Heather and me. I’ll just have to get on with it and remember it’s only one day.’

‘The offer’s there if you change your mind. And you’re right, we overthink Christmas, make it far more of a big deal than it needs to be. So, onward, let’s talk New Year’s resolutions.’ She paused to sip her tea. ‘I’m giving up booze.’

‘You?’ I choked on my tea. ‘At least set yourself a goal you’ve got a chance of reaching.’

She was silent for a long moment. ‘I’m serious. Ed and I want to try for another baby. One last hurrah before I get too old.’

‘Oh. Good for you,’ I stuttered out, feeling a small piece of my heart break. I had always wanted a big family, but I hadn’t got pregnant again after having Sam. Caroline and I were both forty next year. ‘But please don’t say you’re getting too old. Because if you are, then so am I. And I’m not ready to accept that I’ll never have another child.’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t think.’ Caroline’s face went red. ‘Of course we’re not old, there’s plenty of time. You could definitely have more kids—’

‘Hey, it’s fine,’ I interrupted her quickly. This was the last thing I wanted to talk about right now. ‘Dry January it is. Maybe I’ll join you.’

‘What about you?’ she said brightly. ‘Any New Year’s resolutions?’

‘I don’t know,’ I said with a sigh. ‘Maybe I’ll sell the farm, travel around the world, homeschool Sam and live out of a backpack.’

My best friend did a double take and then laughed. ‘As if.’

I forced a laugh too. I had intended it as a joke, but maybe a fresh start was what I needed, somewhere different without all the memories. Heather’s words drifted back to me: Merrydown Farm will stay in the family for another generation. Of course I couldn’t sell up. I couldn’t go anywhere, not even to Australia to see Mum and Dad. I was stuck in Devon for the foreseeable.

‘Yeah, you’re right,’ I said dryly. ‘I’d much rather run a dairy farm singlehandedly for the next however many years until Sam is old enough to take it on.’

Caroline stared at me, her eyes gleaming.

‘Why are you looking at me like that?’ I automatically checked my face to see if I had crumbs about my mouth. ‘What?’

‘You sound like you again.’ She grinned. ‘A bit punchy.’

I gave her a blank look. ‘As opposed to who?’

She helped herself to another Lebkuchen, groaned and then shoved the bag out of reach. ‘As opposed to someone who has been drifting through life without agency.’

I swallowed. ‘I had a wake-up call from my mother-in-law yesterday. She assumes that I’ll stay as I am, running the farm so that it can stay in the Oakley family. I’m not sure that’s what I want.’

‘Then don’t,’ she shrugged. ‘It’s yours, you can do what you want.’

I shook my head. ‘Jack would want Sam to have it. It’s not that easy.’

‘Ask Nick,’ she suggested. ‘He’s a property expert; he might have ideas. Like leasing it out or something. Free you up to do something else.’

‘Nick?’ I frowned, wracking my brains.

‘You must know Nick,’ she laughed. ‘Tall, dark and handsome. Always trying to catch your eye in the playground. Don’t look now but he’s over by the gate.’

Obviously I looked immediately. A tall man in a ski jacket and woolly hat waved at me. I had no choice but to wave back.

‘Oh God,’ I cringed. ‘He saw me.’

‘Told you.’ Caroline sniggered and waved too. ‘FYI, he’s divorced Shall I call him over, offer him a Lebkuchen?’

‘No!’ I grabbed her hand and yanked it down. ‘What would I say to him?’

‘How about “Fancy coming back to mine so I can show you my assets?” ’ she snorted.

‘That’s actually not a bad idea,’ I said, chewing it over. Maybe getting a professional opinion would help me think things through. ‘But he’d have to be very discreet. I wouldn’t want anyone to know, especially Heather.’

‘Right, I’m getting his number for you next time he comes in the pub.’ She let out a gasp. ‘Ooh, I’ve thought of a New Year’s resolution for you.’