Page 79 of Not Just for Christmas

‘Calm down, Lucy, for heaven’s sake,’ Caroline muttered, wrapping her arms around Sam.

But my imagination had created such vivid pictures of what might have happened that I couldn’t calm down.

‘You had no right to bring him here without my permission.’ I pushed myself away from him, my body convulsing with adrenaline. ‘No right at all.’

‘OK.’ He held up his hands, his eyes hurt and confused. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know. I’ll get changed and we’ll leave.’

He reached behind his back, unzipped his wetsuit and peeled his arms out of it. Caroline gaped at his naked torso for a second before giving herself a shake. I turned away – I couldn’t bear to look at him.

‘Why don’t I take Sam back with me?’ Caroline hooked an arm around my shoulders and squeezed me tight. ‘Would you like that, Sam? You can play with Tilly for a few hours? And then your mum can go home for a rest.’

‘Yes, please.’ Sam’s blue eyes brimmed with tears and I felt like the worst parent on earth. ‘Are you OK, Mummy?’

I bent down to give him a cuddle. ‘Sorry, darling, I didn’t mean to frighten you. I’m fine now I know that you’re safe. I’m just a bit tired that’s all.’

‘Can you take Lucy home?’ I heard Caroline ask.

‘Sure, I’ll take care of her,’ said Dylan, packing up all the beach stuff into a bag. He paused to drop a kiss on Sam’s head. ‘Have fun, buddy.’

Their voices sounded muffled and distorted; I put my arms out to steady myself.

‘Call me later,’ said Caroline softly, taking Sam’s bag from Dylan. ‘I can keep him overnight if you need me to. Get some rest.’

‘Thanks. I’m sorry I spoiled your lunch.’ My head was swimming, my legs were trembling, and all I wanted to do was to crawl into bed and sleep.

She hugged me briefly. ‘Don’t be. But … do something for me. Talk, please, whatever this is, you need to talk about it.’ She glanced at Dylan and lowered her voice to a whisper. ‘And if not to a therapist, then to someone who loves you.’

‘I’ll think about it.’ I tried to take a step forward, but I didn’t have the strength to hold myself up. The world was spinning out of control. Dylan caught me as my knees gave way.

‘Hey, it’s OK.’ His eyes locked on mine. ‘I’ve got you. You’re safe.’

‘I can’t do this,’ I murmured, leaning against him. ‘I don’t think I can live like this anymore.’

Chapter 33

It was dark by the time we reached the farmhouse and Christmas lights twinkled in the windows. I could have cried with relief at being home. After a late night with the twin calves, and a tense day, I was desperate to rest. We’d stayed quiet during the journey, interrupted only by Gus’s rising enthusiasm from the back seat as we neared the farm. Most of the time I’d kept my eyes closed, but whenever I’d opened them I’d found Dylan looking at me, concern etched across his brow.

I shot upstairs and changed into dry clothes, leaving Dylan to bring in the wetsuits and towels and rub the sand off Gus’s damp paws.

He was waiting for me when I came back down and handed me a mug of hot chocolate.

‘I figured you could use some sugar?’

‘Thank you.’ I took it from him gratefully, hugging the mug to my chest.

‘Come and get cosy,’ he said, pushing open the door to the living room. ‘I’ve left Gus in front of the Aga to dry off, and I’ll light a fire in here for us.’

I tensed. ‘I know what this is. You’re going to drill me on why I was so angry at the beach. And then you’ll tell me that it’s all in my head. So no thanks. I’ll drink this and then go check on the herd.’

Dylan drew his eyebrows together. ‘You have to be the most stubborn human I know. You nearly collapsed earlier, Lucy. For once, let someone take care of you. And I promise I won’t try and analyse you, OK?’

I glanced at the Christmas tree, the sofa with its squishy cushions, the fairy lights glowing over the fireplace. It did look cosy.

‘Fine. Ten minutes,’ I said. The cows could wait. Pete would have done all today’s chores before he left anyway.

‘It’s a Christmas miracle,’ he said dryly. ‘Did you hit your head when I wasn’t looking?’

‘Are you going to let me in or not?’ I said, trying not to smile.